consistency

6:28am- I spent the weekened really cleaning up and organizing my thoughts and ideas. Getting my food ready for the week, making my list of groceries, just over all trying to focus my mind on the things that will change my life and matter the most. I barely thought of her this weekend, which is a lie. I think about a relationship everyday. I think about being distracted from my thoughts and desires everyday, I wish I didn't long to be loved but I do. I want it badly but I'm not desperate for it. So today after work I'm going to only do my spin wheel. come on do some pullups then shower and maybe go to publix for some dinner stuff. I'm finishing up my grocery list. I have been going to the store and picking up a few things here and there but I need to seriously go to the market and get everything for the week. I should also finish my october budget for the month. I started it and did most of it but I need to budget every single penny. this week I'm going to try and spend as little money at work as possible. This week the goal is to actually do work that will progress me forward. Wednesday after court I need to do some youtube filming for my children. sitting around getting high off gummies thinking about my old sex stories wanting to masturbate and watch porn isn't going to make me money. it isn't going to help me. I did go to the job fair and I'm going to do those job applications. I have been sticking to my working out as well. so I'm greateful and proud of the little work I have been able to stick too. but I need to do more. I'm single and emotionally not in a good place. that means I need to focus and do more. occupy my time with things that matter. for the blog I'm going to stick to this method. throughout the day as I think of things I want to share with the world. I'll write them and at the end of the night before I go to bed I'll publish it. as for my celibacy journey (lusting for liberation) I'm still working on that. I'm not going to make it a journal. instead I'm going to write a book about my journey...I thought about Jessica all weekend. she was on my twitter I thought we would grow a connection again but I think she said she pregnant. which she probably did because she is or because she wanted to upset me. either way I stopped following her and muted her account. I don't want to know about her...I would've man I should've settle down with her and made a life. we would probably have one or two kids by now and living together. but instead I pushed her away and treated her bad and tried to get her back when I realized my mistake. the very thing I hate people doing to me I did to her. what a sack of shit I can be at times...I'm just trying to be better. today I will be better than I was yesterday. no indulging, no alcohol. so far. day 2 no alcohol and day 7 no sex. even though I really want to have sex, I just want a girlfriend who will become my wife to have sex with. 

 9:50- the idea of sharing my life my fears my mind and thinking and desries with someone has always appealed to me. I've always been in love with love. in love with being in love in love with feeling and getting loved. I love love and want to dwell in it and around as much and for as long as I can. this week is a big week for me, I have to seriously do this week. it's not enough to plan and think about things, it's the time for action. a time for doing. the time for thinking and plannig is over. now is the time for action and doing. I'm so scared though, scared of failing scared of being laughed at scared it won't work or happen right...I guess anything to not do. anything to not move to not attempt. but thats not me...oh and wednesday I'm supposed to take Jopheil to get his hair done...we'll see if she mentions my ex since it's her "cousin"...which it's not but for her everyone she grew up with is her cousin...I hate that...why am I talking about this girl or thinking of her. I need to get ready for work and get my son out to school. life is what we focus on. y'all keep your mind focused.

7:42am- my mind is super distracted with the past today. Plus I know I already fucked up my evening... I started cleaning my room this morning. So I got that big pile of papers and put it on my bed. But really I'm going to throw everything away. Go through my closet and get rid of all those clothes and random stuff I have. I hate my house being full of stuff I don't need or want. But when I get home I'm supposed to only do the wheel. Idk we'll see what I do. What happens. God willing I can get off by 5... But realistically it's probably a 7 day. But I wanna be grateful. Thank God for my car, for the fact I have money in the bank. I have my own place that I can afford by myself. I have a sense of a piece of mind. Even though I feel alone and unwanted. Although I am wanted and don't have to be alone. But I want to be different. I want to be better, so I won't even allow certain people to have access to me. I need to check my accounts to see if I can buy lunch this week. An how much I can... But when I get home. I need to finish my Walmart/Publix grocery list and my bulk list. I can use D info for Sam's club. She already text it but I can ask again. I know I wanna start drinking tea as well. Maybe at night, tea with my gummy in it... No matter what I really gotta do some work and stop being distracted and scared. I'm not indulging in my addiction. But I'm still eating weed gummies, still sitting around watching YouTube... Yes I've been being productive and getting things done. But I feel like I can do more... This is where a partner would remind me I'm doing good enough. My partner would remind me how I've come so far and done so much. I guess I am my own partner. I am alone. 

7:55am- I'm at work now. I think I'll make a journal entry draft work. Start the day with... 

1, what am I thankful for? 

2, all my accomplishments so far...I gotta be more grateful. More thank ful to myself for all the work I've done and am doing. Be nicer to myself. Nicer to my future self. Nicer to my past self. I'm not my own enemy. I am my best friend. 

12:31pm- I don't know why I'm feeling so lonely. I usually would call her and just sit on the phone. But that's after listening to my financial stuff... Today I legit feel lonely and sad about being single. What the fuck is going on with me. 

12:48pm- I didn't do anything last night. As in going to have sex and indulge. I stayed home and worked on my plans and made adjustments... But I think the whole desire for sexual stimulation and my watching a bit out pornography. Currently has me missing my my most recent sexual partner. Unlike her (who literally said I'm go out and find someone new when you leave) I'm not trying to get over my feelings for her by being with someone new. Instead I wanna learn to be ok with being alone. I wanna learn where I went wrong and how I can be a better man, lover, and friend. But for some odd reason. I can't stop thinking about her. About us. About a life with someone. 

1:14pm- her sister is on my route and I just saw her and some of her cousins... I miss her. Which is dumb I know... But I miss having someone to call and text. I miss having someone to share life with. I'm a sucker for love. 

2:25pm- talked to my fav cousin on the phone today. An it got thinking. Just feeling some way... I gotta keep pushing forward and really just. Do my stuff. Stop talking about it and just do it. So today I'm do the job applications grocery list and write. 

2:41pm- I just caught myself trying to message Jessica on Twitter. That girl hasn't responded to a dm or Snapchat message in months and I really tried to reach back out... I always liked jessica. I originally wanted things to work out with her. But she wasn't willing to compromise. Like I'll change but so does my partner. Im definitely feeling this single shit. I got a problem. 

4:31pm- where do I wanna be in 4 years. What does my life look like? 🫤🤔

6:37pm- I want to feel connected to another person. I want to fall in love, be vulnerable, and really connect to another person. I want to love someone and truly be loved. An so we're here. You're here and I'm here. Learning and understanding myself. Figuring this life thing out. But I'm tired of meaningless sex. Just having sex because I'm horny. I want to be with someone who knows in their mind and heart they'll be with me. I was ready to commit to my girl for life. I legit wanted to marry her. But to many red flags, to many flaws that she was unwilling to change. My cousin sent me this list that I thought was great. i want a better life. I want a wife. I want a family. I want to dream and plan a future. I'm not having sex again until I feel a real bond with the person. I want love and want to be loved. Dear God please give me the strength and wisdom to find and keep love. 

8:03pm- see for me it's about having someone to distract me. Someone to spend time with. Someone to call on the phone and talk to about life and annoyances. I've been trying to get what I had with Vanessa back. Living together, talking on the phone, planning our lives and futures. I've never met another woman who wanted to do that with me. And said it. Because these girls claim it's what they want. But they don't act like it or say it. But I feel better now. Cause I know exactly what I want. An I won't settle for less. I want a woman who wants to get married who wants to live together who wants to be with ME wants to have MY baby. What's to own me and be owned by me. A woman who sees her future with me in it and we actively work towards a future together DAILY!!! Until this woman finds me. Because I'm done chasing woman. If a woman don't show interest in me. That's it no more communication. Leave her alone. If she attractive and shows interest and likes me and we can grow together. I'm getting married and making a life with her. But it's 2024. Women want alcohol, weed, random dicks, and money... Been there done that. I want to settle down and be boring with someone. I'm 36. If I never have another kid I'm ok with that. If I had another kid. Thank God. October I'm going to watch my money heavy and I'm going to focus on other things. No more talking about her or thinking about her. She wants to club, hang out with her friends, talk to niggas, and get drunk and flirt with dudes. I'm so sick of those types of women. I need a good girl... Last good girl I had was Jessica 😭😭.