10:53pm- I don't know what's going on with me. But I have to stay on this journey. Something good will come out of it. I really hope so. I gotta focus, I gotta really fight for my life. Fight for my spirit and future self. This shit is crazy, this shit is hard, it's hurtful and just ugh…I gotta really push through this. I gotta really stand tall. This shit hurts and it's hard. An it's not even about her. Or any person. It's about me, about what I want for my future. It's about really chasing my dreams. Really giving myself the attention and time and energy I deserve. Really locking in and doing this shit.
11:17pm- I am scared of doing the work. Scared of being alone. Scared of failing…I'm scared of trying so hard and nothing happens. I'm genuinely scared of never finding love. Never having love. It feels like God will leave me single forever. But I have faith he will fulfill his promise. He rewards us in this life and the next. I'm really in a fight for my life. A fight for my spirit, for my success, I really gotta fight man. The time of talk is over, only action can be done now. Only I can do what needs to be done. I won't and don't have anyone to motivate me. No one to speak life into me. No one to help me. It's me all alone doing this shit, what a fucking life. What a thing to have to do. If I don't make the actions I need I'll be stuck in the same cycle. If I go back I'm be in the same cycle of hurt and pain. I have to fight. I have to make moves. I have to push forward pass the fear pass the loneliness pass the hurt. I literally have to do this alone. And I'm honestly scared and sad about that. I'm a little angry as well. Because it's like God could've given me a woman who would motivate me. A woman who would love into change hold me through my fear. But it's like no, no you gotta do it alone. An I understand only I can do it. Only I can do the work. But why alone? I don't know…I know I gotta concentrate, complaining, venting, crying, thinking about it does nothing to change the situation. Only action will save me. I have to do it…I am literally fighting for my life. Fighting for the life I know I deserve, the life I'm supposed to live. I can see the vision see the life I'm supposed to have. I'm so close but I have to do more sacrificing. Go through more hurt. God I pray you really help me do this. Please I'm ready but I'm scared.
5:32am- I'm fucking tired…I tossed and turned all night. I think I need to turn the AC lower. It's to hot and maybe get new pillows. But I went to bed late and slept horribly.
yeah I ain't get good sleep. I don't know, I might not go out tonight. Probably just stay home and sleep through the new year.5:46am- I feel kinda sad, kinda scared…I'm not sure what's going on. But I don't feel so positive and up beat. I'm wash up stretch pray and get ready for work. Try and shake this feeling off. I don't think I'm go out tonight. I really do need to focus. I need to fight for the life I want to live. Fight for the future I envision.
6:12am- I don't know if it's from all the thoughts last night or the lack of sleep. Or something but fuck I feel alone. I woke up this morning with that weight on my heart again. That heartache. That longing for another person. But it's like that's a distraction. Another person will occupy my mind and prevent me from focusing on building the life I see in my vision for my future. Because when I have a girlfriend I wanna spend time with her. I wanna be around her, I wanna have sex, I wanna cuddle, I wanna talk. My time, energy and life is consumed by the person I'm interested in. So if I'm not with a woman whose like. Babe you haven't made a video in a week. Or babe why don't you work on your books. Like a woman who reminds you to get back to work. I'll get caught up in her. Which is probably apart of my codependency issues. It's something I gotta work on. That's how I know I probably need to sit with myself a bit longer. I gotta feel through this pain. This shit hurts but I need it to develop into my new self. I'm so sick of living in fear, constantly feeling hurt and sad. I'm so tired of the same old shit. I really am ready for new, I want new, I need new. I will have new.
6:58am- The post office has no positions in my area. No advanced positions. Yeah it’s like my only option is to pursue my art, focus on cyber security, apply to other government agencies. There are no advancement opportunities in my area in the post office. An because I just bought a house I don’t want to move anywhere and I’m not willing to drive more than a hour for work. An driving a hour to get to and from work is fucking crazy. My tesla can handle it but it’ll be annoying. An I’m buying a tesla. That’s the next big purchase this year. This year I wanna focus on paying off all my debt and buying a tesla cash. An I think the first thing I’m going to do is pay off the high interest debt. Then I’ll focus on the debt that has no interest. Then I’ll focus on the debt I have because of other people. I got a plan for my life but it’s just doing it and sticking to it and praying and hoping it’s what God wants. An if it’s not what God wants than I pray for the strength to do what God wants me to do.
7:08am- there is a genuine pain at the lost of the life I could've lived with her. Life can be so cruel…to love someone, to go from talking everyday to not at all. From having sex everyday to not at all. From thinking of them everyday to not at all. What a cruel reality, a cruel truth that nothing last forever. Nothing really matters.
7:20am- tomorrow I wanna get Jojo glasses fixed, get a oil change, paint my office. Look for the wall paper for the boys.
8:48am- today should be a easy day. But still feeling a bit emotional for some reason.
10:29am- I really feel emotional. Last year I was with E. We brought in the new year together. She's so fucking stupid. I hate being hurt…I hate how emotional I feel. I think I'm going to stay in the house tonight. Fuck that I don't want to be around anyone. I'm legit still hurt, I thought I wasn't. Thought I was over her over the possibility and honestly I still feel some way. The thought of her bringing in the new year with her new man is at hurtful. Fucking whore…ugh no no. She's healing. I'm not supposed to be thinking negative. I legit never wanna feel this way again. I never wanna be this hurt again. This the type of hurt make you never wanna be in a relationship again. Just have casual sex with people. Because why would she do that to me…but there goes my ego. It's not about me. She needs to heal she needs to figure out why she got those problems. Why men don't stay, why she's so negative, why she drinks, why she got all those issues I can easily see and she knows she has but refused to fix. I just hate this though. I'm hurt and I don't want to be hurt.
10:57am- that shit hurtful that the same people who call me to vent and cry about their life I can't call them to vent and get my emotions out. It's always give me a second I'll call you back. Like bro 2025 I gotta seriously take care of me and give back to everyone what I get in return. That shit hurtful. Today feels rough and it feels like it's getting tougher.
11:21am- I hate people not seeing my value. Like they treat you bad and nasty until they realize of shit he was honestly the best he was so good to me. An it's like fuck you now…. The shit makes me doubt myself. Makes me feel less than. Like I'm not who I'm trying to be. I'm not who I think I am. I don't look how I feel. This journey of betterment fucking hurts man. I'm trying to forgive and live in love trying to be better.
11:37am- when is it my turn for love and dedication and happiness.
12:01pm- I'm still angry with my mom. Still hurt over the past. I thought I was over it past it. But I'm not…an really sitting and trying to understand why am I at angry? Why do I feel so abandoned so misvalued. My mom is asking me without saying it. But asking me to be the man in her life. An I feel angry about that. Like she treated me bad for so long and now she wants to build a relationship and it bothers me. It upsets me at times. Because it's like now you only do it because you have no one. An I don't like that…I'm still hurt and angry about how she treated me all those years ago…I gotta learn to let go. Let go of the past. Let go of the hurt. Forgive her forgive myself and move on. She's different now, she's learned and grown. She's not that and person I'm not…this growth journey really is hurtful. It really is intense and I see why people literally don't heal…I wish I had a wife to call and talk to about it…. But than again it's like one person can't be your everything. I need a therapist not a wife. I need to fix me and not want to put that on someone else to help me do the work. It's like fuck man.
12:36pm- knowing I have to go through this in order to get that healthy life long relationship doesn't make going through this any easier. Like I said, I would've like to heal with someone. Be able to cry on they shoulders.
1:58- I know God got me. I just get scared and nervous. I get anxious and not want to wait for my blessing. But this work I'm doing matters. It means something what I'm doing. The building myself into a better person. Healing these broken parts of me. Focusing my mind and energy on my financial dreams and goals. 2025 I'm so ready to sit with myself and heal. I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to let the fear stop my growth. This work is worth something. This work will be rewarded. I know it will because God keeps his promises and he's a rewarder. God wants the best for us. He gives us good and gives us the best when we strive and work hard.
2:47pm- I really to this girl one time and instantly feel better. She's the type of woman I want to heal with. But I guess I am healing with her. I have to stay on my journey of growth. People go through life and never heal or grow. The hurt and losses from my pass have brought me here. E not wanting to change has brought me here. Jessica not wanting to change has brought me here. Asia not wanting to change has brought me here. These people reminded me I'm doing the same fucking things I was doing in Broward county. This journey is lonely and scary and hurtful. But I want a better life. I need a better life. I deserve a better life.
3:44pm- everyday I gotta remind people. I'M NOT LIKE YOU!!! I'm D@T GUY, you'll never in your life meet a person like me. To have met me is a privilege. To get to know me is a blessing. I'm literally the one. But people front like I'm not. It's ok, I just keep proving all the time. I'm not like you people.
4:13pm- an honestly that's the problem. My ego…because I know my worth. I know I'm the one. It's like why won't you change! Why won't you grow for me!!! But growth, change, healing, these things are individual. They're internal.
4:42- going home now. Probably go make a grocery list and buy some food for the boys. Get some kombucha and stay inside for the night. This is my story my journey. I have to continue this journey of bettering myself. To heal and fix; kill my ego, forgive myself & mom, let go of the past, be secure in myself and free myself from insecurities.
5:34pm- I like the Kava bar. Nice people for real. Very nice vibe. I'm chill in the house tonight though. I was going to go out there tonight. But fuck that. I'm staying inside and going to force myself to do something. Honestly I need to force myself to write daily. That's my passion, that's my way of getting out the emotion and pain. I need to write more poetry.
6:17pm- had to tell my neighbors don't park on my grass. Don't park on my property. Then I jumped on the prayer call. Tomorrow I gotta buy a lawn mower and weed Wacker. My grass is too high.
8:22pm- boom my cameras came and I got to post on fivver for a artist to help me with the cover. I wanna fix the cover for Human Nature; seven suns. It was never the cover I actually wanted or liked. An the cover for poetic suicide I might change that. But in all reality I’m start working on volume two. I got some new poems I wanna publish in there. And I’m get back into writing poetry as well. I think I’m set up my camera tonight. I’m have to buy 3 more in case my stupid neighbors try to start a war because I told them don’t park on my property. Fucking dick heads for even thinking they could. Damn people didn’t even come over to welcome me to the neighborhood but going to park on my property. Fuck you!!! Although 2025 I’m try not to curse anymore. I wanna stop doing that, that’s apart of embracing the new me. The different me, the change I want to become and see.
8:45pm- look at this old photo of me I found. Even as a kid I was that dude, iced out. MONEY!!!! Bro I'm not like these other dudes. I've always been D@T GUY!!!! All my life, stop it.
