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12:00am- I'm about to hit the road…I had such an odd dream. I was out with Bruno he worked at some place. An some guy was flirting with me. But I didn't realize that's what he was doing. I thought he was just being nice. Being friendly. An he never leaves until all the customers leave and I'm about to help Bruno close up and he gets angry because he's like aren't you going home with me? An I'm like sir I'm not gay. Plus if I was gay I don't get fucked I do the fucking. And the guy started snapping. And Bruno is like when he told you you are beautiful that was a sign. An like whatever I thought he gave me a compliment. So the guy ends up leaving me and Bruno are laughing about how I almost got raped then a drunk lady tries to get into the building and sets off the alarm and I wake up … I haven't heard from Bruno in months. I think he's on jail. I forgot what state he's in. He was going through and stuff last time I talked to him. I know he hasn't seen his kids in years. Ex wife did him wrong, I know he lost his CDL and he totally went downhill after that. But I'm up, so I'm shower wash up pray and hit the road. I'll get there early morning which is cool. 

5:04am- the loneliness really does eat at me. It's my ego. My ego tells me this is unfair. Tells me I can love her out of her pain. I can love her through her pain. My ego tells me I'm the one. I'm the one for her. She needs my love…knowing it's my ego makes it easier to not act. But still doesn't take the pain away. Oh Lord help me. I'm over her y'all but my ego is bruised. My ego is angry. Disgusted with myself. Like bro we're the business and you let this broken girl create self doubt in us…my ego tells me let's be a whore. Let's just have sex with the women who want us. 

7:38am- it really is my ego that's hurt. I wanted to leave her when I found someone new. Because I don't want to be alone. But I'm angry that she jumped on someone new before I could find someone new…but I don't want to settle so it makes sense that she found someone. She settles for anyone. I'm not willing to settle anymore. I used to settle all the time. 21, 23, 40. Hell even her…I settled for these women. In my core I knew they wasn't for me. They wasn't willing to grow and change. They want to stay the same as they are. An that's not going to work for me. I need a woman who wants to grow. Who wants to be better than she was yesterday. A woman who looks at me and says growing with him is worth it. None of the women I've met up this way are willing to change. 

7:47am- I'm angry and I want to lash out at her…I'm not going too. But I can see my ego. I can see how I'm a nasty person. I'm not this nice guy I portrait myself to be. I pretend to be that guy. I'm trying to be that guy. I want to be that guy. But I'm not him yet. I'm still a angry passive aggressive petty guy…but I won't act on it. Because I honestly do love her. An love doesn't hurt. It doesn't lash out in anger. I really do need to be alone for a while and figure me out. Really dig deep into my person and learn who I am and who I want to be. 

5:10pm- Tanvi talking about ice skating. I'm nervous as fuck about that. But excited to see my friend. An love my niece and nephew. And love my damn sister. OMG she's my best friend.

5:21pm-look at the painting my niece made and let me have. very nice. She free handed it. Also they delivered my couch and didn't deliver all of it. 2 out of 3 boxes and said the whole thing came. I'm drive back home Sunday morning. 

10:14pm- I love my family. I love being here with them. God is good. Tomorrow I'm kick it with Tanvi. I'm excited about that.