the reward is the work not the goal

If your life feels stagnant or stuck. Like you feel trapped in a situation. I'm learning that means you're leaving the situation. It means you've entered the part of change that hurts the most. The part when you've gotten hurt and recognize it. Then you've cleaned it and it's preparing to heal. It's not healed, but it's healing. Because time is constant, there is no pause. No moment in life where nothing is happening. 

It's like I always tell people about people. EVERYONE changes, and is constantly changing. Now you're either actively changing for the better. By being mindful of your thoughts, actions, and words. Or you're passively getting worse, by allowing the current algorithm your brain runs on to continue to control you. Change takes effort…even think about your body healing. You have to provide your body with the nutrients, sleep, none touch or activities to the part damaged for it to heal. So your lack of action is action.

There is no pause in life. Time is an ocean, it's push and pull endless. A beautiful thing without observation and with it. It exists with or without. Which is why the reward of life is life. The reward of anything is the thing in that very moment. So if you feel stagnant or stuck or like things aren't moving for you. Remember they are, with or without your observation. Time is functioning how it should and your reward is not the things you want or work for or towards. Your reward is the moments. Like right now your reward is not the knowledge and insight you just gained reading this. Your reward is the act/time you read this. Your reward is right now and the aftermath is the result of your reward. 

GoBabyTrade October 2025 || Oohoo What's That?

the pain of pain

One of the most hurtful things about life is it doesn't stop. 

You could lose everything, everyone you know dies, your health completely deteriorates, and still the world will spin. Your bills and responsibilities will still be there waiting for you. No matter what it's happening to you in life. Life just keeps going. 

Even down to the idea of human existence ending. Life will not stop. There will still be animals, insects, microorganisms. Life will still continue to exist. Human society as we know it may end. But even that thought…as we know it…

I've always wanted things to pause even for a moment. If someone close to you dies or something traumatic happens to you. The world should pause for just a moment. But then what if the world simply stopped. Because every moment is a traumatic moment somewhere for someone. 

Death is not something to be afraid of, we should be excited and proud of it. Enlightened at the idea that after this, something else awaits us. I guess what I'm saying is. Life is about suffering and we all have to pick our suffering. Pick what we hurt over, what we think about, what we focus on. Pain comes and it goes. Don't sit with it too long. 

protect your sense of self

It's wild to me how some humans can behave. You can go into a bad situation wanting to find solutions and make things better. An people will sabotage you or dislike you because you wave change. People will assume you're trying to take something from them. People will be people. 

I strived to get here, diligently worked towards my goals. Helping people along the way. Encouraging others to seek improvement and growth. An here I am in a situation surrounded by scared, selfish, ignorant individuals. It's teaching me that kindness should not be given to everyone. The situation is asking me to change my moral code. To become someone I'm not. 

There is so much money in the world. So much we can all have, an not at the expense of another. But small minded individuals will assume your growth and success means their lose and demise. So I wonder how do I navigate these people? How do I coexist? An my mind says you don't, you simply get away from them. 

God will never put you in a situation that you can not handle. All things in your life has purpose and meaning. God could've given me a position anywhere, instead he put me where I am now. At this exact moment. An I can not see why, or understand why. I'm simply going to be me and follow my spirit. In the meantime while doing just enough. I'm going to begin my plan to exit. I would rather deal with the devil I know instead of the one I don't. These people have killed my desire to help. And slowly I feel them turning me into a bitter person. 

So the point of this was for me to vent my thoughts and feelings. It's also to encourage you to remain yourself. When you see others are turning you into someone you're not. It's better to leave and preserve your best parts. Don't lose your smile because others are frowning.

illusion of control

What does it mean to let go? To forgive, to move on. What does it mean to really move on with life and not be triggered by the past. Not feel pulled back into old habits. Not be angry about the things that have happened to you. The people who have done things to you. How do you let those things go? Forgive yourself, forgive others. Letting go is like falling asleep. You don’t force it, you don’t make it happen. You don’t command it. You simply let it happen. You know you want to do it and you relax yourself and it happens on its own. That’s letting go, that's freeing yourself. How do we let things go? I think we simply don’t. We fully embrace the emotion, embrace the experience. Let it happen, let it do what it needs to do for and too you. Let the emotions have their way with you. Let the thoughts run through your mind and observe. Simply observe everything. Look at yourself feeling through these things. Look at yourself thinking through these things. And when you get to the other side you’ll be able to see that you are not your past, not your pain, not your thoughts. A lot of the time we don’t let go because we are trying to force it. We are so afraid to let go that we hold on by trying to let go. The key is to go through it, to feel through it. To not run from it. And I'm learning that, I’m seeing that God will control your life if you let him. If you let go of the illusion of control and allow the universe to control your steps and guide you. It’ll be scary but it’ll be obvious which way to go. Which steps to take. I’m scared of letting go of my old self, but I’ve already let go of my old self. Who I am today is not who I was last year or this year. I’m not even the same person I was yesterday, I’m so different mentally and spiritually and emotionally. I’m really just scared to not control any aspect of my life. I’m scared to go with the flow because it’s like I can’t really see the future. I can’t really see the future I want for myself. I can hope and dream that things work out how I want. But I just see more pain and hurt ahead and that scares me. Letting go is not forced, letting go is something you just do naturally. Letting go is feeling what needs to be felt.

it means something

Love is something we all desire. Some of us seek it in drugs, sex, and random connections with others. I feel as though love is like the ocean. On the surface it looks so beautiful and calm. So clear and easy to look into. But then you step into it and learn how deep that water goes. Learn how fast you stop feeling the bottom. Learn that there are things living in the water, you are not alone. The storm begins to approach and the water turns rough. It pushes and pulls. It crashes against the surface of itself. Crashes against the beach. Crashes against you. The water thrashes your body around, pushing you under it while holding you above it. The water doesn’t care who you are, what you do, or what you want. It just is. It just does. I imagine that is the beauty of life. The scary beautiful part of life. It just is. It doesn’t care if we live or die. If we fall in love or get our hearts completely broken. The universe exists, being here experiencing life. It doesn’t care about anything. It is simply being. An that is the state of mind we all strive to reach. To just simply exist in the world without any real care for anything at all. To know that my eyes opened and I am alive. An that is enough, that is the purpose, that is the goal. I am alive and nothing else needs to be done or said about it. I always think back to something I heard. A review about movies like cast away or the grey. An the guy said in these movies. The characters are in situations where they NEED God. they are alone and trying to survive and still yet they refuse to reach out and beg. To reach out and acknowledge. An it’s because God doesn’t care in the sense that we think. You can’t call out to God and expect a hand from the sky to reach down and greet you. It’s like you were born and said hey God hey universe. I’m here…and you got silence in return. Because what does it mean to God that you are alive? That you exist? God is God regardless of you praising and living. He was and is and will be without or with you. You are but a speck in the grand scheme of things. Even smaller than that when you really think about the vastness of time, objects, the amount of people to have existed and will exist. I say all of that to say. Love fully, speak your truth, explore the depths of your heart and mind. Give yourself grace and mercy. Allowing your mind and heart to wonder and explore with each other and without. Love hurts, life hurts, but it’s also fun and nice. An in the end we do all of this just so we can die. Go through all these things just so when death reaches us we can say we had a good time. We can say I tried, I pushed, I pulled, I took, I gave, I grabbed, I threw, I caught, I spit, I swallowed, I tumbled, I got up, I did, and I did not. I was alive and that has to mean something.

shame

There is a level of shame I feel. Shame for how I feel about her. Shame that I even still care about her even though she was horrible to me. Shame that I allowed it to go on so long. Shame that somewhere Inside me I still want her. I still want it to work. Shame that I would pick her and not all the other obviously better choices... To be human is to love someone with flaws while loving your own. 

This shame brings me shame. To conquer it is to face it. It's not enough to recognize it. To see it inside me and give it a name. Give it acknowledgement. To conquer it is to face it. To speak it, to express it, to feel it openly and honestly. The quzzy stomach is an indicator that there is emotion there. There is fear, anxiety, hurt, shame... There is humanity... 

But I'm going to run, I know the right thing is to conquer but I'm scared. I'm an emotional coward. I'm unwilling to endure the emotional pain for growth. I'm defiant to God's clear path. I am too walk the road of hurt. Walk the road of emotional pain for the growth of detachment. But it hurts and I'm unwilling. But I don't want to hold anymore. I want to let go of the shame. Let go of her. Let go of it all. But I'm scared of the hurt, tired of the hurt, unwilling to endure the hurt. But I hurt regardless. 

I feel shame for sharing, shame for expressing the anger, the hurt, shame for being me. I can't figure out how I got back here. How I ended up back in this cycle of running from my emotions. Running from pain. Running from emotional growth.