illusion of control

What does it mean to let go? To forgive, to move on. What does it mean to really move on with life and not be triggered by the past. Not feel pulled back into old habits. Not be angry about the things that have happened to you. The people who have done things to you. How do you let those things go? Forgive yourself, forgive others. Letting go is like falling asleep. You don’t force it, you don’t make it happen. You don’t command it. You simply let it happen. You know you want to do it and you relax yourself and it happens on its own. That’s letting go, that's freeing yourself. How do we let things go? I think we simply don’t. We fully embrace the emotion, embrace the experience. Let it happen, let it do what it needs to do for and too you. Let the emotions have their way with you. Let the thoughts run through your mind and observe. Simply observe everything. Look at yourself feeling through these things. Look at yourself thinking through these things. And when you get to the other side you’ll be able to see that you are not your past, not your pain, not your thoughts. A lot of the time we don’t let go because we are trying to force it. We are so afraid to let go that we hold on by trying to let go. The key is to go through it, to feel through it. To not run from it. And I'm learning that, I’m seeing that God will control your life if you let him. If you let go of the illusion of control and allow the universe to control your steps and guide you. It’ll be scary but it’ll be obvious which way to go. Which steps to take. I’m scared of letting go of my old self, but I’ve already let go of my old self. Who I am today is not who I was last year or this year. I’m not even the same person I was yesterday, I’m so different mentally and spiritually and emotionally. I’m really just scared to not control any aspect of my life. I’m scared to go with the flow because it’s like I can’t really see the future. I can’t really see the future I want for myself. I can hope and dream that things work out how I want. But I just see more pain and hurt ahead and that scares me. Letting go is not forced, letting go is something you just do naturally. Letting go is feeling what needs to be felt.

it means something

Love is something we all desire. Some of us seek it in drugs, sex, and random connections with others. I feel as though love is like the ocean. On the surface it looks so beautiful and calm. So clear and easy to look into. But then you step into it and learn how deep that water goes. Learn how fast you stop feeling the bottom. Learn that there are things living in the water, you are not alone. The storm begins to approach and the water turns rough. It pushes and pulls. It crashes against the surface of itself. Crashes against the beach. Crashes against you. The water thrashes your body around, pushing you under it while holding you above it. The water doesn’t care who you are, what you do, or what you want. It just is. It just does. I imagine that is the beauty of life. The scary beautiful part of life. It just is. It doesn’t care if we live or die. If we fall in love or get our hearts completely broken. The universe exists, being here experiencing life. It doesn’t care about anything. It is simply being. An that is the state of mind we all strive to reach. To just simply exist in the world without any real care for anything at all. To know that my eyes opened and I am alive. An that is enough, that is the purpose, that is the goal. I am alive and nothing else needs to be done or said about it. I always think back to something I heard. A review about movies like cast away or the grey. An the guy said in these movies. The characters are in situations where they NEED God. they are alone and trying to survive and still yet they refuse to reach out and beg. To reach out and acknowledge. An it’s because God doesn’t care in the sense that we think. You can’t call out to God and expect a hand from the sky to reach down and greet you. It’s like you were born and said hey God hey universe. I’m here…and you got silence in return. Because what does it mean to God that you are alive? That you exist? God is God regardless of you praising and living. He was and is and will be without or with you. You are but a speck in the grand scheme of things. Even smaller than that when you really think about the vastness of time, objects, the amount of people to have existed and will exist. I say all of that to say. Love fully, speak your truth, explore the depths of your heart and mind. Give yourself grace and mercy. Allowing your mind and heart to wonder and explore with each other and without. Love hurts, life hurts, but it’s also fun and nice. An in the end we do all of this just so we can die. Go through all these things just so when death reaches us we can say we had a good time. We can say I tried, I pushed, I pulled, I took, I gave, I grabbed, I threw, I caught, I spit, I swallowed, I tumbled, I got up, I did, and I did not. I was alive and that has to mean something.

shame

There is a level of shame I feel. Shame for how I feel about her. Shame that I even still care about her even though she was horrible to me. Shame that I allowed it to go on so long. Shame that somewhere Inside me I still want her. I still want it to work. Shame that I would pick her and not all the other obviously better choices... To be human is to love someone with flaws while loving your own. 

This shame brings me shame. To conquer it is to face it. It's not enough to recognize it. To see it inside me and give it a name. Give it acknowledgement. To conquer it is to face it. To speak it, to express it, to feel it openly and honestly. The quzzy stomach is an indicator that there is emotion there. There is fear, anxiety, hurt, shame... There is humanity... 

But I'm going to run, I know the right thing is to conquer but I'm scared. I'm an emotional coward. I'm unwilling to endure the emotional pain for growth. I'm defiant to God's clear path. I am too walk the road of hurt. Walk the road of emotional pain for the growth of detachment. But it hurts and I'm unwilling. But I don't want to hold anymore. I want to let go of the shame. Let go of her. Let go of it all. But I'm scared of the hurt, tired of the hurt, unwilling to endure the hurt. But I hurt regardless. 

I feel shame for sharing, shame for expressing the anger, the hurt, shame for being me. I can't figure out how I got back here. How I ended up back in this cycle of running from my emotions. Running from pain. Running from emotional growth. 

do everything with intention

I know exactly what I want in this life. I know exactly how to get it. I move with intention. Everything I say to people is with intention. Every place I go is with intention. Knowledge gives power and power gives control. Control allows for your life to be what you want it be. 

- I wanted a house but I wanted to buy it with a partner. To buy a house with a wife... I didn't get to do that. Because I can't control who will be my wife. I can't make a woman see my value. See my worth. See how I'm better than any man she's ever been with or ever will be. That the very fact that I'm interested in her is a blessing to her. But in the end I bought a house. A 4 bedroom 3 bath. 

- I want a Tesla, a fully electric self driving car to be more obscure. It just so happen Tesla is the only brand that has the type of electric car I desire. I can buy a used Tesla right now for around $21,000-$25,000. I have the cash for that but I'm waiting for Tesla to drop the model 2 which is rumored to be $25,000 starting price. So I wait. 

- I want to make $100,000 a year after taxes. I'm already halfway there, a little over halfway there. I have an associates degree and I'm studying to get my bachelor's degree. That'll help me increase my income, but I am also going to get my CompTIA security+ certification which will get me around $70,000 starting and with experience I'll hit my $100,000 goal in about 3 years. I also have a class A CDL with all endorsements so I could do that as well. 

- I want a wife... Someone to share the up's and downs of life. A consistent sexual partner, a mother to my son's, an a mother to my future children. A person to talk to about my life goals and desires. Bounce ideas off of and speak about daily stresses and joys. Someone I'm physically attracted too and sexually compatable with. Someone who wants me and I want them. They choose me and I choose them. They respect me and I respect them. Someone I can pour into and she'll pour into me. Our love would be an act of worship to the one true God. 

I know exactly what I want in life. I'm working towards all my goals. I'm going to achieve all my goals. The only goal I can not control is the wife goal. But I truly believe God is going to send her to me. She will make it so obvious that she likes me, loves me, wants me, is willing to fight for us. She will not only want to be a wife, want to be married, want a relationship, but she will want it with me specifically. My time is coming. I only need to keep moving with intention. With focus. With determination. 

GoBabyTrade May || Oohoo what's that?

something's happening to me

On the other side of fear is the life we all want to live. the life that we imagine for ourselves. The life we know we are meant to have if we were brave enough to make the sacrifice and let go of those people, places and things. The idea that everyone does not want to live up to their best selves is such a lie. it's something people tell themselves so they can feel good about being a coward. but that's that thing I'm learning. I've learned. The very thing I judge others for is the very things I used to do. the very things I want to do. and my judgement is more of jealousy and envy. that they can indulge in their lower forms and I can't. Because to know better you are forced to do better. if you know better and still choose the lesser. you simply do a disservice to yourself. you hurt your own feelings. hurt your own pride. you hurt yourself and it's only so long you can hurt yourself before you mind and body begin to fight back. begin to force change and force encounters of change. All of us know what we are supposed to do. what we have to do to live the life we want to live. We all know the needed actions and words. at least I know...but I'm scared. I've been isolated for months now. I've felt so alone for months. The thing I desire the most has been out of reach for months. An it hurts, it really does cut me deep. but maybe this is what is needed. If God thought I was ready he would have given me the thing I prayed for. but he doesn't give it to me because he knows I'm not ready. people will look at my life and think I have everything. A house, a car, money in the bank, a stable job, intellect, physical good looks. but they miss the most fundamental part of the human experience. I'm a human, I'm a person. I have desires and wants. My spirituality is weak and I'm ashamed of that. My desire for affection and love makes me not see my own worth. My childhood haunts me. the desire to save my mother when I see her in other women with low self worth. My mind races with theories and ideas of life and existence. At this stage of my life all I want is a family. I want to have a child(ren), I want to get married to someone who loves me and is loyal to me. someone who sees me and recognizes my value and worth and honors that. someone who wants something out of life and works towards their goals but wants me there with them. Someone who wants to be loved and wants to give love. The sadness that I live with daily is self inflicted. I have nothing to be sad about, nothing to be hurt over. Vanessa is dead and gone, my mother is living in survival mode and I have to avoid her. My siblings have their own problems. I'm alone in a world full of hurt, selfish, ignorant people. and the people who do like me I'm not attracted to them. so as always. I either settle for a trash ass woman I'm attracted too or I settle for a woman I'm not attracted too but she likes me. I've yet to meet an attractive woman who is not trash and she likes me. Honestly, that hurts, that makes me think the universe God is actually against me and wants me to be alone. but that makes no sense, that's not how the world works. That's not how things are supposed to be. that's not true...but for some reason that feels and seems to be my reality.

fear

There is a fear inside me that doesn't go away. A sense of what am I doing? What do I want? Where will I be? But I don't let that stop me. I don't let it consume me and cripple me. I don't dwell in it. I feel it, I acknowledge it, and I let it pass through me. I let my thoughts come and go. I am just another scared person. But I don't live in fear. I don't let the fear have it's way with me. I don't live in the fear. I don't live in the comfort of what I know. I'm excited for the unknown and scared of it.