2026 I really start that journey of self discovery. I broke the loop of a toxic relationship. Left the post office to start my tech career and really doubled down on fixing up my house to make it everything I want in a home. This journey has been so so so so very scary. When I say scary I mean it. It's been hurtful and enlightening.
I've come to realize I've been so afraid of being alone. So negligent of myself. My physical health, my mental health and my emotional. For years I distracted myself from the internal work I've needed with casual sex and drugs. Moving to fort Pierce I finally stopped smoking weed. Not forever but it's been about two years now. Recently I stopped drinking and don't really want to either. That's something I won't stop forever but know I don't need or want it right now in my life. I've been celibate for some time trying to figure out why I allow women who don't deserve me to have me.
When I say have me I mean my time body and presence. It's been lonely, hurtful and scary to really sit with myself. To sit in silence and listen to my inner voice. Listen to my thoughts and fears. To hear what I've been trying so hard to ignore. I sit and think about what life do I want? Who do I really want to be. Not just who I've been for the last couple years but all my life. The martial things I've gained over the years have brought me…joy but not happiness. I learned that love, being loved and giving love brings me happiness. Being able to be myself and love on someone in my fullest capacity really brings me happiness. Gives me a deep sense of meaning. Being a father has always brought me joy. Gives me a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment but loving a woman is a different thing all together. It's so meaningful and delightful that it's a longing I can't get away from.
When I gave my love to women who clearly didn't value it or see it's worth. I betrayed myself. Betrayed my urge to love. But being alone I thought would feel worse. I was wrong, after experiencing loving someone who repeatedly disrespected me and my kids just because I saw potential. I really hurt myself. I saw who she could be if she wasn't living in hurt. I thought if I could love her enough I could heal her. But that's not love that's not right. You can't love someone into healing. They have to want that. They have to put in the work to heal themselves or they'll hurt me. An I let her hurt me time and time again. No matter how much I told her she's hurting me she kept doing it. The why doesn't matter, the why I stayed doesn't matter, the why I kept going back doesn't matter.
Our past doesn't define us, we don't have to be who we were 1 minute ago. But if we stay in that place. In that mindset, in that emotional space. We'll be trapped in that loop. I don't regret loving her. I don't regret showing her love, buying her gifts, taking her out, doing things for her, making time for her. I only regret not listening to her. Everytime she showed me she doesn't care about my kids, she doesn't care how she hurt me, she doesn't care about my feelings, she doesn't want to change, she doesn't value me, she doesn't see my worth, she won't fight for us to work. Everytime she showed me this with her actions and words I didn't listen. I ignored it thinking she's just hurt. She doesn't mean it, her hurt is pushing me away but she wants my love, my value, my worth, us, me as a person. An that was a betrayal to myself. An that's what I regret, not listening to her sooner. Not loving myself sooner, not listening to God.
I think the most hurtful part is realizing everything I thought about her is true. Everything I assumed is true. She's living in hurt, moving from a place of hurt, speaking from a place of hurt. An I've been there done that. An that made me want to love her more. Because when I was living in hurt I just wanted someone to love me through it. But I also took the time and energy to try and heal. Would I take her back? I have no idea to be honest. The only thing I really know is I deserve better. My kids deserve better. She doesn't think her daughter whose father is dead deserves a father in her life. An that was the thing that proved she lives in hurt. She doesn't think my kids who mother is dead deserve a mother. An that proves she thinks others should live in hurt. I feel sorry for her, but more than anything I feel sorry for her daughter. Children deserve two parents.
I'm writing this because I need to get it out. I need to say it out loud to the world. To myself, to God. An I hope that you reading this will learn what I learned. You can't heal someone with love. They have to want to heal and your love can be the crutch to help them walk through their healing journey. But listen when someone shows you who they are. When they tell you with their words and actions. Hurt is a poison, it can and will infect you if you stay to close to it. Let it guide you where you need to be, where you need to go. But don't let it be your crutch, your driver, your being.
For me I'm not mad at her, not mad at myself, not mad at God. I forgive her, an myself. I truly believe that who God has for you will find you. No one is meant to be alone, no one is alone. Romantic love with find you or you'll find it. Be open to it, love like you never got hurt. Love openly and freely, forgive those who hurt you and move on. Don't punish your new person because of your past. Don't punish your new self because of your old self. Don't let love miss you because you're holding hurt close to you. A day will come when I will meet the person who will love me in a way I thought people only love in my fantasies. An when that day comes, I'll be grateful, I'll be filled with more happiness, I'll reciprocate. An all the past relationships and past hurt will be a lesson I'll be thankful for. Because it'll be the stepping stone that got me to that love. I pray she heals, I pray her daughter can have a father, I pray my son's can have a mom, I pray I can love and be loved by someone for the rest of my and their life. Until we return to the maker, then I hope I find them even sooner in the next life.
Love, hurt, forgive, live ✌🏿
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