hurt hurts

12:27am- I was at a with meeting hiding from mail so she wouldn't see me and when sneaking out Maria was talking to me saying she's looking for me. She was drunk and came to my car and said I'll be at your house. I was on a bike taking a co worker home who kept falling off the bike. He ends of falling in water twice and says he good he don't need a ride. She drives past me so I pedal hard to get home but the bike is broke so I start running. I get there and she says not there or says I don't want you. My heart drops and I wake up. Now it's hard to sleep... I did talk to Maria earlier today. 

12:38am- I get up to pee and Joseph on my computer .... Now I see why God woke me up. I couldn't help it I just grabbed him up. I almost punched him in the face. I just snapped about them touching my stuff. He's so stupid, a stupid teenager. 

12:55am- now I can't sleep. I'm angry... I'm sign these emails and do some deep breath meditation. 

5:24am- I tossed and turned all night. Literally all night. When I did fall asleep I kept dreaming of horrible things. Not violence but people cursing me out. Lost my job. Mail with a new man. I mean it wasn't nice... Another thing I'm thinking about. I might NOT buy the house. I'm put in the offer for these two. But I might wait another ten years. I would definitely move out of here though. I ain't staying in this apartment another year. I hope today's a good day. 

5:47am-i won't let today be bad. I'm about to get up pray, and start my day. I'm probably get one of those Wawa refresher drinks. Cause I feel a bit tired. But I'm drink some coffee first this morning. 

8:07am- what a morning, things been kinda crazy. I'm at work now and feel bit better. At work I know what to expect I feel more in control. Ugh, I'm talk to JoJo later today. I gotta sell more assets today as well. She said to have $6,000 cash ready to go. Even if I don't buy the house. I think I'll take that cash and either buy BTC or pay off debt with it. You know I still think about Mail...I'm hoping I get the 4 bedroom house. Then I can tell mail I got us a house. Stop playing, marry me, live with me, and let's make life. Let me love you out of grief and pain. Let our love for each other be a act of worship to God. That's the type of love I want and deserve...23 wants that with me. I don't know what my future holds, what's going to happen. I have no idea, but I know I'm going to make the best of my life. I'm going to stop living in fear.

10:32am- I miss mail 😭😭 I still love her. I wish she would call me. I look at these other women and don't feel what I feel when I see her. When I look at mail I literally think what are you thinking you gorgeous woman. I wanna know more about her I wanna hear her thoughts I wanna be close to her. Ugh she so dumb. So stupid I just wanna love her and have her love me back. Why can't she love someone who loves her. I love a woman who likes me. I like being liked by someone I like. Ugh... There it is. I like being liked by someone I like. She likes being liked by someone she likes but she doesn't like me so me liking her doesn't do anything for her. 😭😭 Whatever I don't care.... Of course I care but it hurts to care. I'm stop thinking about it. 

5:20pm- mail has been on my mind all day. It's annoying. 

8:21pm- this woman hit on me a few days ago and gave me her number and I didn't hit her up. And today I was like fuck it let me see what she talking. An omg the conversation is STIMULATING. I'm take her out Friday night and talk more.... Maybe this is God replacing mail... Telling me to move on. 

thank you God

5:48am- God really said she is not for me. It's crazy how everyone who meets me and talks to me likes me. The women I talk too all like me and want to get married and submission and what not. An this girl didn't want none of it. That's how I know she's still grieving. She's going through something. An maybe Mer is right, I have a saviour complex. I don't know, but I think about her. I went to be feeling great and woke up with her on my mind. 

7:03am- this is all I want, 

i want a woman who feels this way about me and I feel this way about her. Fucking mail 😭😭 I just wanted to love you. Give you everything... An no she doesn't read my blog. Honestly I have no idea who does. I don't check the analytics. I barely look at the analytics on my YouTube channel. I just do this stuff for the love of it. 

7:57am- today I woke up feeling fucking good, so I'm spreading the love and happiness to as many people as I can. I wrote a few letters and I'm mail them tomorrow. Life can hurt at times and it's nice to get a encouraging word and message. 

11:15am- ok what a good day so far. I'm about to leave the house and go meet the realtor. I set my rice to cook and I'll make the salmon when I get back home. I also started editing this next video I'm drop tonight or tomorrow. But we doing the same thing. I'm feeling good for real. Had mail on my mind but I'm ok... I hope she doing well. Hope God grants her healing. I did almost indulge earlier today. But I fought the urge. An I ordered more Polaroids I'm start sending pictures in my post cards. Didn't even know I could upload the photos to the appsthat's super dope. Ok I'm going to go now. I'm excited. 

1:52pm- yeah I'm moving to Vero Lakewood Park area.. I saw two houses I like a lot. The lender going to send me the numbers to find out if I can afford it. I don't want to pay more than $2,000 for my mortgage with everything included but if it goes to 2100 I can afford it. I'm going to finish making this dinner then I want to do a application and I want to finish editing my next video. God is so good to me. I'm so excited about what's happening in my life. 

2:44pm- boom dinner done. This salmon has no skin and I gotta be honest. I don't like that, I want my salmon with some skin on it. it's not dark enough for me either. I prefer it more dark, I'm cook it another 5 mins. 

6:52pm- yeah she putting in that work. I'm going to bed soon. I didn't edit the video or fold cloths.. but it's ok.