all praise to Allah

5:27am- God is good, I'm feeling a lot better this morning. At night I read my book and journal before bed. Then head to bed, getting my quality sleep. I wake up nice and early feeling good and well rested. An ready to pray and start my day. God is good, yesterday I was feeling crazy. Mer pointed out this is my first real heart break. Which is true, I've never felt this way. Other than Malika, which I tried to kill myself when that didn't workout. But I'm ok, I'm not suicidal this time. Because I got kids, an they don't get the the life insurance money if I kill myself. I feel some way but it's going away slowly but surely. I'm ready to truly grow and become a new person. I'm tired of this roller coaster, tired of the same old bullshit. I'm ready for growth ready to become the person God wants me to be. He's been so good to me, he's truly been touching my life. I'm scared but I trust my God and I'm going to keep trusting him and pushing forward. That means listening to my heart and mind and focusing on my goals. 

1. Buy a house

2. Get bachelor's degree (in cyber security)

3. Buy a used Tesla ($20k or less cash)

4. Make $100,000 a year solo (after taxes with degree or without)

5. Build brand (YouTube, books, movies, tufting) 

6. build self (learn languages, healthy living & body)

6:46am- I know I'll be ok, an honestly I'm freeing myself. I'm so tired of lust, tired of confusion. I release myself from expectations. From self sabotage. I release myself from toxic people that I keep in my life. I deserve more, I deserve a healthy loving relationship. I deserve a wife who adores me and values everything I do for her. I deserve to feel secure in my connection to another human. I release myself from self doubt, my fear of the unknown, from fear of being alone, from fear of mistakes. I release myself from this lesser self worth, from trying to prove to someone that I am for them. I release myself from the bondages of my childhood trauma. From the pain of growing up alone from the abandonment the abuse. I release myself from my anger and sadness. From my father from my mother... All day I will tell myself this. I release myself from this attraction to this woman that I know is hurting and toxic herself. I free myself from my attraction to toxic people. I can not heal or fix anyone. I pray to God he heals and fixes me. He allows this time to be my time of growth and maturity. He allows me freedom from these people that would hinder my growth. I pray God continues to remove them. He takes them from my mind and heart. Grant them healing and prosperity. Release me from them. 

2:30pm- is a good day. 

8:03pm- God is crazy good... Omg tomorrow is my BIG announcement.