🥺🙄🤷🏿‍♂️🙌🏿🥰🥲🙂‍↕️🙌🏿

8:48pm- I really do just wanna get over her. Get over this hurt. I really do just want to move on with my life. And Mer is right. She didn't do anything really. I mean it was nasty work that she found a new dude in literally a week. Which shows she had been talking to him. So the whole time she pretended I was tripping when I said she got men in her phone. I was right all along. But that's fine because I got my own secrets. So whatever. But it's like damn. She really rather stay at the bottom. Than rise up with me. An it's like yeah dude. She's a bottom feeder. Just keep going up. You'll find your person. But I'm lonely and want my person now. An God is like nope. You gotta keep going up alone. No friends to join me, no spouse, no siblings, no one. Just me alone to do it all by myself. An that hurts…I'm going to pray now and go to bed. Cause my heart hurts, I'm seriously sad. An I'm praying that tomorrow when I wake up I can go the whole day and never once think of her. I can go the whole day and just move on with my life. That tomorrow is the day I finally meet the woman who I'm supposed to marry and spend the rest of my life with. A woman who adores me and cherishes me and sees all the great qualities in me that everyone else sees. A woman who brings out the best in me and inspires me to be better than I am. I hope tomorrow is the day, because if it's not. That's total bullshit God. To

9:12pm- I get impatient... Than I snap and carry on. Than I see something or hear something. An I know it's God talking to me. 

maybe Edith really is healing and she'll come back and our love is meant to be. Or maybe I really am delusional and God is saying be patient for the woman who will truly love and value me correctly. Because it ain't Edith. She's not a good woman. An I deserve a good woman. A woman who sees my value and honors that. Sees how good of a father I am and wants that for her child. She's how smart I am and how I'm going places in life and wants to be apart of that. See how kind, generous, and loving I am to everyone an says I like those qualities in a person in a partner because he's a good person a good man I want him to be my man. She say all that and said nah I want a bum ass hood nigga. 🤢🤮🤷🏿‍♂️

6:24am- I need to clean up my room. i keep the snacks in here because they're for my job. My kids will eat all the snacks if I leave them in the kitchen. But I need to start working on my room. And working on getting the boys room finished. And I need to get my office in order. I need a new mop as well. I been coming home and going to sleep. But I need to get things done. Let me journal and tomorrow I'm going to do my budget. Well finish it.. cause this is how I do my monthly budget. I box each paycheck. And write what Bill needs to get paid with that check. 

6:53am- Ashley got me smiling ear to ear. Her letters make me feel so seen and wanted. She's always been such an amazing woman. I was young and scared and ran away from my feelings I was having for her and now she lives in another state and I'm here. It's always the women who live far that want me and love me and none of the women close to me actually see my value and worth. What a cruel way to exist. 

7:28am- I know she didn't mean to hurt me. An that's why I can't forgive her. I know she's hurting, she been through traumatic situations... So have I and I deserve a good healthy love and she can't give me that and it's ok. But I pray for her and I pray I get rid of this anger and insecurity. 

8:59am- she said your aura is giving hurt.

10:13am- everyday I hope today is the day she reaches out …I guess D is right. I probably do give off hurt. That girl said I wanna talk to you but your aura gives hurt. You need to heal still. Like damn, what is it about me giving that energy. 

10:48am- she's right though…I am still hurt. My ego is still hurt. 

11:53am- I think because I feel so unseen I try to make others feel seen when I think they feel unseen…like I don't want anyone to feel like how I feel. Cause I really feel like shit. I feel like I'm never going to know love. 

1:11pm- I complain so much about being alone, but it's like I'm seriously not alone. But I feel alone. But I know I'm not …I'm missing this girl and it's like she's still doing the same shit. She lost her car, her daughter getting older, Mom had a stroke, lost a good man. And she still clubbing drinking bar hoping chasing dick …an if that's not a sign of someone living in depression and hurt. An it's like I can't fix that for her. I can't make her see that. I can't force her to change and grow up. An it's like I'm hurt to be alone. Even though I know I'm not alone. But without the romantic love I feel alone. I feel unseen. It's such a sad odd thing. 

4:25pm- sometimes I catch myself looking into people's cars hoping to see her…I'm so ready to be over her. To move on. I literally can not figure out why breaking up with her hurt so much. Is my ego so fragile that someone choosing to be shit hurts me this bad? But it's like this is nothing new. So many women I've dealt with didn't wanna grow or change with me. Asia, Jessica, shit Malika was mad at the world. Hell earlene just wanted to use me financially instead of grow with me. It's like bro all I've known is shit women…which means I'm attracting that. Which means internally I think I'm worth shit which is why I'm attracting people that ain't shit. 

5:25pm- I'm ready to go home…I'm off tomorrow and I got a busy day. I need to go over my budget for tomorrow as well. I got Jophiel dentist appointment, my finger prints, and I wanna film. 

6:36pm- I'm living the life I prayed for. Living the life I dreamed about. I'm in a house, money in the bank, investments making me money. I have people I can rely on and depend on. My faith is shaky but it's strong. My kids are healthy. I'm healthy. God is good. 

9:37pm- ok I'm do this job application…you know mer pointed something out to me. This is the first time I've ever dealt with my emotions completely sober. No sex, no weed, no alcohol. Just me and my emotions raw dealing with my feelings. Ive never done that and it hurts. But after today I'm seriously going to push myself to get over her. To move on with my life. She doesn't want to change doesn't want to grow and clearly she doesn't want me. I'm going to push myself to move on. God please help me. Keep her away from me as you been doing. Keep her off my mind and out my heart. Prepare me for the woman I'm supposed to marry who will honor me and see my value and worth and cherish me and the love and dedication I give her. An our love would be an act of worship to you the one true living God. Y'all pray for me, stay blessed.