5:32,am-😭😭 why did I dream we spoke again. Why did I dream we was sitting on the phone talking about it. Then she was in front of me at a park and we was talking about it. I remember saying you really hurt me. An she's like you hurt me. We hurt each other but we don't have to…that's definitely not how she talks but just the dream alone was like what.
6:38am- I really do sit down and think about my actions. How I could've said more and spoken up more. How I could've communicated better with her. I'm not beating myself up or putting myself down. In the end mistakes were made. On my part on her part. A. If God wants us together we'll be together. I'm adjusting my behavior becoming a better person and if she's meant for me. She'll have been doing the same thing this whole time. Not fucking and sucking and clubbing. But I don't know and I can't let that consume my mind. I can only stay focused on me and keep pushing forward trying to be better and build a better life. But I really do think about how I could've been better. Cause I know I ain't perfect, I ain't easy, I got insecurities and hurts inside me that seap out. I'm a person just like her, but I chose her. Everyday I chose to love her and try and make it work. An that's what a relationship is about. That's what life is about. Waking up each day and choosing to be better, choosing to build something better, choosing to learn and grow in a specific direction.
7:20am- I have positive uplifting people in my life. But I feel so unseen unloved…I have good people in my life who reach out and help me and remind me of my external value and worth. But it's like I don't feel that at times. I don't feel seen…like truly seen for who I am and what I'm trying to do. An it makes me think. Why is the romantic part of my life so important? Why do I desire this deep connection with another person. A romantic connection. A desire to be seen in a loving and desired way. What an odd sensation a odd thought a odd realization.
7:41am- his self work really does hurt. As I listen to this book and realize so many things are me. So many things are in my mind. So many things I ignore and live in the fear. So many things sit in my heart sit on my mind. I really do and needed this time alone. This shit hurt though. Realizing who I've been. Who I am. Realizing how I've behaved…I'm taking my time. I gotta be gentle with Joseph. I'm scared…I'm nervous…I feel so anxious. So full of…just emotions…it's hard to identify. It's like I know exactly what I want. But it's like why don't I go for that? Why would I accept less. Why would I accept a woman who isn't giving me what I clearly say I need. Ugh I gotta figure me out. I have serious problems…an I really wanted to do this with someone. I really wanted things to work with her. I really wanted her specifically. My spirit did…does. But won't have and that still hurts.
10:53am- you don't get your partner to change with punishment…only with positive reinforcement. Man I gotta keep growing. I gotta be with someone who wants to grow. Who wants to be their best selves. I want someone like that. Cause that's me.
11:18am- I really can't make her love her …she'll probably be there Monday and will say nothing. An it will hurt. I just keep hearing her say “we don't have to be together" she didn't want it. Doesn't want it…I can't make her love me. Can't convince her to love me. Can't prove why she should love me…man that shit hurt. Hurt to think it. Hurt to say it out loud. Hurt to write it. Just hurts in general.
11:33am- this chapter is really breaking my heart. Really hurting me.
is like she's speaking directly to me. This desire to be better hurts. This desire to break my old patterns hurts. I'm at work but I just keep thinking let's go back. When we get off let's go have sex. Let's get a weed pen. Let's chill. We deserve it... But it's like that won't make her love me. That won't make her see my value. That won't heal me. That won't help me grow. And I want to grow. I deserve a wife. I want a healthy relationship. I want to change.
11:55am- I just wanna move on. I wanna stop thinking about her. Stop feeling hurt and sad when I think about how I allowed her to treat me. I wanna not care. I wanna stop thinking about her moving on so easily. It's like what more do you want brain? What lesson is there to learn spirit? Like let me go. Let me live freely. This shit really hurt me. Really cut me deep and changed me in a way I needed to change but don't know if I was ready for such a huge sudden dramatic change. The pain is intense, the fear is intense an it's still here. An it's like sharing it makes me slightly easier. But it still hurts.
12:03pm- I just want to be free. I want to be free of this hurt. I seriously hate this hurt. I just want to move on. I hate being stuck on her and she not stuck on me. I hate hurting over someone who doesn't even think about me. This shit is corny this shit is wack. Like look at me. I'm physically attractive, smart, money in the bank, home owner, growth mindset and still yet I attract people that are not all those things. It's something about me. It's my vibration…but this hurt. This hurt and anger and pain. I wanna be free of it. I can't figure out how though.
2:20pm- there are no victims or villains. Just two humans trying to navigate their individual lives and the feelings that come with it. But still yet I'm hurt and I have to deal with that.
3:07pm- I just had to do some breathing exercises. Because it's like Joseph relax. Seeing her won't kill me. It won't end the world. Plus Monday is Monday and today is today. Focus on the present and not the future. The future that I have no control over and I don't even know if I'll live to see it. It's like this is apart of my story apart of my growth. Allah wants me to go through this or I wouldn't be going through this. I feel some way because there is something I still need to learn. Something that I'm missing.
4:44pm- I left her, I broke up with her because I deserve better. I deserve a good woman. I deserve a healthy relationship. I deserve a woman who sees my value. And she's not her. So I'm go to work Monday and I'm not going to look at her and I'm not going to deal with her and keep it moving. She's not going to talk to me and that's fine. She's trash and never tried to be better and that's on her. An although somewhere inside me I still want her. I know that's the part of me that's trash. An I can accept all of myself. Even the whore trashy side of me. But I don't have to accept a ghetto bum whore as a girlfriend.
5:46pm- I love being home. And I have things to work on. I'm eat, shower, pray and knock out this stuff I wanna do
- clean bathroom
- fold cloths
- show Joseph grades
- install light strip
- find Jophiel dentist email and write numbers for West Palm to call on Monday.
then watch YouTube until I fall asleep. I am grateful for the life I built for myself by myself.
6:04pm- an you know I'm not saying she's a whore bum blah blah blah. I'm just saying I deserve a good woman. An she wasn't ready to be that. But I just found she's not going to be there Monday. Thank God I feel AWESOME!!!
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