Life itself is art, this is the art of 1 of 7 billion plus humans living on a rock speeding through the vastness of outer space. These are his rambles.
Monday, May 5, 2025
something's happening to me
On the other side of fear is the life we all want to live. the life that we imagine for ourselves. The life we know we are meant to have if we were brave enough to make the sacrifice and let go of those people, places and things. The idea that everyone does not want to live up to their best selves is such a lie. it's something people tell themselves so they can feel good about being a coward. but that's that thing I'm learning. I've learned. The very thing I judge others for is the very things I used to do. the very things I want to do. and my judgement is more of jealousy and envy. that they can indulge in their lower forms and I can't. Because to know better you are forced to do better. if you know better and still choose the lesser. you simply do a disservice to yourself. you hurt your own feelings. hurt your own pride. you hurt yourself and it's only so long you can hurt yourself before you mind and body begin to fight back. begin to force change and force encounters of change.
All of us know what we are supposed to do. what we have to do to live the life we want to live. We all know the needed actions and words. at least I know...but I'm scared. I've been isolated for months now. I've felt so alone for months. The thing I desire the most has been out of reach for months. An it hurts, it really does cut me deep. but maybe this is what is needed. If God thought I was ready he would have given me the thing I prayed for. but he doesn't give it to me because he knows I'm not ready.
people will look at my life and think I have everything. A house, a car, money in the bank, a stable job, intellect, physical good looks. but they miss the most fundamental part of the human experience. I'm a human, I'm a person. I have desires and wants. My spirituality is weak and I'm ashamed of that. My desire for affection and love makes me not see my own worth. My childhood haunts me. the desire to save my mother when I see her in other women with low self worth. My mind races with theories and ideas of life and existence. At this stage of my life all I want is a family. I want to have a child(ren), I want to get married to someone who loves me and is loyal to me. someone who sees me and recognizes my value and worth and honors that. someone who wants something out of life and works towards their goals but wants me there with them. Someone who wants to be loved and wants to give love.
The sadness that I live with daily is self inflicted. I have nothing to be sad about, nothing to be hurt over. Vanessa is dead and gone, my mother is living in survival mode and I have to avoid her. My siblings have their own problems. I'm alone in a world full of hurt, selfish, ignorant people. and the people who do like me I'm not attracted to them. so as always. I either settle for a trash ass woman I'm attracted too or I settle for a woman I'm not attracted too but she likes me. I've yet to meet an attractive woman who is not trash and she likes me. Honestly, that hurts, that makes me think the universe God is actually against me and wants me to be alone. but that makes no sense, that's not how the world works. That's not how things are supposed to be. that's not true...but for some reason that feels and seems to be my reality.
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