I'm scared

5:43am- I want another child but I don't. I had a dream I was having a baby. She an no I don't know who it was pregnant for me. But she was living somewhere else and I kept saying come live with me. And she refused, an I'm like come live with me. Let's get married and be together. And she refused and instead of getting mad trying to control her. I said fuck it do whatever you want. An that's what I want to do moving forward. I legit don't try to control people. I control my environment and as much of circumstances around me as I can. I hate the idea of controlling another person. But I also hate the idea of another person's dumb choices ruining what I got going on. 

i saw this and thought it's so true. Maybe God truly is protecting me. I always try God removes people from my life who don't mean me well. And he removed a few people and I've been better ever since. But it hurts to think that I want that person in my life. I want her by my side, but God is like no. Leave her to the streets, to the clubs and bars and being a side piece. Who am I to tell a woman. Give up the street life and settle down with me. Marry me, let's have family time, let's have our time for each other. Some people don't want to grow. Which is wild to me. Because literally everything changes. Even God changed from old testament to new God was different. An people really try to stay the same all their lives. But at the same time. Who the fuck am I? Just because I'm ready to change don't mean she is. I can either wait for her and hope she comes back or move on with my life and hope she never comes back. 

6:24am- I totally agree

when you really love someone. You never get over them, you just simply accept that you'll never have them in the way you desire. You accept that they don't want you but you still love them. You accept that you can't be with them because you love yourself more than you love them. Because they don't love you back. An that hurt isn't worth your mental and emotional well being.

6:50am- I fucking hate that ghetto hood shit. That shit is disgusting. These trash ass poor people pull up at six something in the morning playing Hood ghetto shoot em up music loud like people not sleeping. They trash ass people wake up and listen to that garbage and wonder why they mind is full of trash. Why they have nothing and will probably never have anything. Like fuck man...I have to move. I have to get from around here. Once these people moved in they absolutely ruined this area. Fucking trash on all over the parking lot, ghetto loud music earlier morning and late nights. Parking in people spot. These people are trash. Fuck it I'm going to start looking for somewhere new to live. I'm text my landlord today. Cause I'm sick of these people.

7:08am- some people really stop living because one bad thing happen to them. Like so fucking sad your mom died your dad died and you have cancer. Guess what? YOU'RE STILL FUCKING ALIVE!!!! Which means you have a chance to continue to experience life. Why shut down and shut others out. Why lock yourself off from love and happiness because a few has things happen to you. My great grandma died in my arms, my father died when I was like 8-10, my brother ran away and I grew up alone, my mother was physically and verbally abusive, my wife/baby mama cheated got pregnant by another man and was then murdered by him. None of the women I really wanted to be with wanted to be with me. Literally NONE!!! but still I live. Still I want more. Still I give love and speak life into others. Like that shit wack when people shut down because of some bad stuff happening. Like fuck you, life happens to all of us. All of us know hurt and endure. YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL!!!!

8:14am-

10:22am- great fucking morning, I did some filming I'm do some editing and get this thing popping.

11:36am- I recorded the cousins podcast. Now I gotta figure out how to upload it. Plus edit my YouTube videos. But I saw this on Twitter and burst out laughing and felt a bit hurt. 

this how I feel for real.

12:06pm- I'm going to the social security office. Let me get this thing done. I got the paperwork and I'm off today. I'm do it. Im sell all my fundrise account as well. Take that money to help buy my house. I need to call they Grandma about this weekend and text my landlord about the future of me staying there. I saw a really nice house I like. But I gotta start going to physically see these places and see how my spirit takes to it. Today so far is going great. It's been a really good productive day. 20 was supposed to come over and let me buy her yoga mat. Maybe she'll come later. She's being distant but wants to get close. It's annoying, but I get it.

12:26pm- it's been a good week as well.

man I'm feeling pretty good today. I still miss her don't get me wrong. But I feel good knowing I'm building my life. I feel good knowing I'm doing my thing. Knowing she's stuck in the same bullshit as she was when I met her. Literally doing the same exact thing. Not me, I'm grow and develop into a better person. A better version of myself. Hurts to do it alone but fuck it. That's the story of my life. Doing things alone, no one believing in me. 

2:12pm- I feel good again. Fucking 20 woke up on that dumb childish shit. I'm reminded why I couldn't build a relationship with her. Like grow the fuck up. She's supposed to come today to bring the mat I'm going to buy from her. I text good morning and you'd think she'd text back morning I'm coming around or mention when she coming or something. But nope, she just text good morning. So I have to ask when you coming. Why? Why do I have to ask? You coming to me. You need to check when I'm be home. Cause if you pop up and I'm not home you'll be hurt. So of course I said this. An she got a attitude about how I said it and said bye. I didn't even respond I just deleted the messages and I'm move on. Cause girl, you're a fucking child who is clearly the exact same way. Didn't change even a little bit. Just leave me the fuck alone and go find another child to play with you. Tired of these stupid fucking girls disrupting my peace of mind. Fuck out of here ✌🏿✌🏿

3:07pm- I feel great, got that done. Couple days and I'll be able to update that information online. I feel fucking amazing. God is good, he's been MOVING mountains for me. He ain't playing about me. Never has! 

4:44- check out my salmon. 

I love the look cant wait to taste it. Also here is the link for the podcast cause I can't figure out how to get it on Spotify. https://x.com/datguy_therapy/status/1848823590566908354

5:08pm- mails friends are trash, especially the Dyke and her mentally disabled sister. Her cousin a literal hoe, had two different guys come up to me randomly and say how she be fucking niggas. Like she on that. The only friends she got that seem sensible was the one in GA and the food inspector. I just realized she surrounds herself with trash people. Probably to make herself feel good about her life being shit and her doing nothing to fix it. This chick was corny as fuck for real.

6:13pm- sorry about that. I got angry thinking about the disrespect I tolerated from her friend(s) specifically just her one friend. And she never checked her friend about me. But of course she didn't, because she legit never liked me. Is fine though, I now realize I'm that dude. I was out of her league to begin with. Would I take her back? 🤣😂🤣 Hell yeah cause I still love her. But I wouldn't be the same. And I'm glad she's never coming back so it's fine. But I fuck I feel good about today. I got a lot done today. Like a lot. Almost everything for Jophiel is completely done. I'm going to read Ashley letter to me... Let's call her, plasma. I'm read plasma letter to me and then reply. I've begun writing hand written letters to people I care about. I think it's cute so that's what I'm going to do. Plus everyone who got a letter from me smiled and felt really good about it.I need to learn to make gravy as well. And tomorrow I gotta do more editing. Oh and no more soda. I've been drinking lots of soda lately. I think I've had 3 cans this week alone. Y'all be safe, I'm going to watch TV and relax now. I did really good today. I thank God for his mercy and grace on my life. My next big step is buying this house. No more fear.