restart

5:53am- well we start all over. like that song says. if at first you don't succeed. pick your self up and try again. so that's what I have to do. but whatever. I woke up feeling a lot better this morning, I feel more focused less distracted. an honestly I learned about myself I need my sleep. I hate and I mean hate, waking up tired. I like waking up and feeling normal. waking up and feeling like I got enough sleep. I will say them gummies help me in some way. I took a half of gummy, showered, made dinner, took the other half and then started feeling tired. Today should be a much better day. Later today I have Jophiel virtual meeting with this lady. then tomorrow is court so I'm excited about that. Tonoight I'm supposed to go to dinner with a friend. she wants to chop it up and talk. see how I'm doing, she ain't physically see me in a while. shit I been hiding from everyone. I barely answer my phone, I try to always text back though. I ain't been feeling nothing lately, just a undying focus on getting things done, getting things right. I didn't get to start on my 4 year plan. I'm going to write out the plan, the fiancial part and the goals for all my other stuff. like career path, personal projects. in 4 years I'll be 40 which means I'm already half way through my life. 36+36= 72...so if I die at 72 that means I'm literally half way through my life. I need to make changes and make something happen. an tonight I need to work on my outline for my gobabytrade video. I wanna film that tonight or tomorrow after court. 

 6:23am- I feel excited about today about life. Today and tomorrow are big days for me. I might be able to close a major chapter in my life. that would be so good, such a relief. an this next video I'm drop is going to be good. i'm excited about that. matter fact I'm get back into making videos. I been thinking about going live. I wanna go live for like an hour while I work on my youtube videos or while I write. this way I can turn the live into a video by itself and people can see the process. but I'm feeling good, slowly getting back to my old self. yesterday I was really feeling emotional. I was feeling super lonely and just wanted to be distracted from my feeelings and emotions. today I feel...Good and hopeful about the future. today I feel like I can do anything and will do everything. I got a of things to do but thats good. it'll keep me distracted from thinking about being distracted.

6:46am- my damn cousin got me thinking, she said this to me last night and it was on my mind. which is apart of the reason I've been making boards and putting them on my wall. Trying to get my thoughts in order. Get my emotions in order to figure out what I'm doing what I'm trying to do. I'm literally half way through my life. That's fucking crazy. 

7:34am- that means if I got married tomorrow I would only be married for like half or a little over half my life... I wanted to spend like 20-30 years in love with someone. Growing and. Building in life with someone. 😭😭😭 Dude I really only got 30+ years of life left... Shit maybe 40... Cause 40+36= 76 which is the average American life span. An that's including black people specifically. Since we have little healthcare and usually eat bad. I gotta live a healthy life. I want 40-50 more years of life. An I want a 30+ year relationship. But I'm not going to think about that. Today we not thinking about love. My mind needs to be focused on making some YouTube videos tonight or tomorrow. Focused on my 4 year plan. Focused on doing some job applications. An focused on this Jophiel stuff. 

7:58am- everybody has somebody they wanted or want. An I mean in a romantic way. See I'm ok with letting go. Letting go of people letting go of beliefs and ideas. An that's because I'm ok with change. Regardless if I wanted or want someone. I'm over with letting them go if I know I can't have that person. 

8:13am- my mind is all over the place today. but I think subconsciously I've felt this way for a while. It's apart of why I want a relationship. To spend the rest of my life with someone. It's why I'm stuck on Jessica and Edith. Jessica would've been perfect. Young, beautiful, could've started a family and she's career driven. No kids we could've had 3 by the time she's 30 and I'm 40. Or Edith we both got kids so we'd already be a family. Just building our financial lives together. I gotta shake this off though. Ok focus today. Focus!!!! 

10:38am- so 3 life options. 1; focus on postal career meaning apply to any jobs anywhere in the post office until I get one.

2; focus on my future career option. Which is going to get my bachelor's in cyber security and applying for jobs in that field all over America. 

3; focus on my personal projects, YouTube, writing, trading and make a life in fort Pierce. 

10:57am- Im such an emotional coward... Im ready to move and get a new job just so I never have to see or hear from this girl again. I was going to stay in fort Pierce just too be with her. But fuck that, I gotta go back to chasing my money bag. Moving wherever I can get more money. So that's the move. I'm going to apply for better positions at the post office and try to get this cyber security thing going. I'm do all 3 plans. I'll leave fort Pierce. I'm single no kids here. I'll leave this place. 

11:37am- an she's so right. It's time to move on. After Tina moved I only stayed to finish college. Then I stopped college and I stayed to try an be with Jessica. Although I was super shit to her and didn't give it a real try. An I stayed for E, wanted to really make a life with her. But now, no reason to stay. There is nothing here for me for real. 

2:20pm- I'm supposed to go to dinner tonight with my coworker. She wants to gossip and catch up. I think her husband will be there as well. I forgot until my other friend asked me if I wanna go get drinks tonight. I really don't wanna drink. I have the urge to drink. But I don't want to do it. That shit is poison. 

3:26pm- mer says I have abandonment issues so my relationship style is which I think she's right ... So I gotta fix that. 

5:47pm- fuck I'm late for my interview. And tomorrow is court, I spoke to my lawyer earlier. She said everything would go smoothly no guaranteed, but we'll see. An so that really makes me feel good. I'm so ready for new. And I think I'm get back to... Ugh I can't even tell you. I gotta stop talking about what I want to do. I can talk about what I'm doing. But I can't talk about what I'm going to do. So with that said, big changes are coming. I've been super like.... Emotional and mushy and just feeling totally blah. But I'm shake that shit off and get back focused and stick to it. I can do all things. Consistency is the key to anything. 

7:16pm- I really don't want to go to this dinner but I've been home being sad for like a week now. I can't stop my life. I can't sit around crying (not literally 🙄) about a love that was never mine to begin with. 

9:27pm- I'm glad I went outside for dinner... Ok I feel better about everything. I seriously gotta get my emotions in check. I'm just all fucked up 😭😭😭