fear dear

7:24am- I woke up a little later than usual. I was in a good sleep. A deep sleep, but it's time to hit the road for court. No matter what God is good. When I get home I wanna make my YouTube video. Oh an I was right. Last night at dinner she told me how my ex is right back at the parties. Right back to her old life. Yeah I want better, I need better... So yeah I'm stop thinking about talking about her. Cause it's a waste, what I want with life she doesn't. So I'll have to leave her alone. But I'm ready, I'm excited, I need the change. I know what to do. It's just having the courage and fortitude to be consistent. 

10:12am- boom is over and I win. The baby boy stays with me. I gotta wait 6 months to move out of state. 

1:10pm- ok I'm going home to work on my stuff. But overall I realize why I'm doing what I'm doing. In order for a new life a new beginning. The old has to die. New can not truly begin without the death. 

1:44pm- I barely practice what I preach... I'm such a fraud. I'm so afraid of change. Afraid of sacrifice. I know change comes no matter what. It's how life works. Constantly forward, constant change.... I have to get myself in order. Get my mind right... I really need to fix me. 

5:47pm- today is such a great day. God grace shine on me today. But fear has a grip on me. Fear of change I imagine. 

7:12pm- a senseless stupid fear... This is what I wanna give to myselfi deserve six months to a years no distractions. No going out unless it's with the boys for our monthly outings, like I wanna focus my mind. Really do my stuff. Don't think or worry about anything else. 

7:39pm- I got to make being afraid my trigger. All I do is think about the future and try to predict and try to plan and think of ways to create the future I want. But that's apart of what adds to my fear. I gotta live in the now. In the present... God has shown me so much grace today. I got a major win with my son's case being closed how it did. It's like I know the life I could be living if I just do things and stop being scared. God is guiding and watching over me. He'll ensure my success but I'm so scared I do nothing. But today marks that God will give me a new life. He just waiting for me to take it. 

7:52pm- scared of what? The change in my life. Will I have a much fun as I have now? Will I feel as good or better? What if I miss out on something chasing this new life? Miss out on true love or physical pleasure I've never known... I'm scared of the work to build this new life... The no alcohol. No sex no weed or drugs? I was thinking of keeping the weed. I thought of buying a PS5 to distract me from the unhappiness in my personal life. At work I'm usually ok. I just work and focus on that. But at home off the clock. Even though I should be studying or writing, or something productive. I want to be loved on and love someone.. I want to be distracted so I can accept this beautiful blessing of a life God has allowed me to build. I fear new, I fear the now for love of a future that doesn't exist... Is like mer always said. I need to meditate to control my speedy mind.