8:03pm- I can be so ungrateful... Like God really did protect me. A year and 4 months of unprotected sex and she ain't get pregnant. I really wasn't happy with her. The whole year I was drinking and smoking heavy. An that really affects your state of mind. It really puts you in a place of clouded judgement. My friends literally kept asking me. Are you sure you wanna be with her, like she's probably not what's best for you. The whole year I was down on my money. An in the time I cut her off my money has grown so much. I'm literally making a HUGE purchase. I got custody of my son... I mean God has shown me time and time again that leaving her alone is and was the right thing to do. I dragged it out and now look at me. Angry with the Lord that I'm hurt. Angry and hurt that God didn't change her for me. But I changed, I changed for the worst messing with her. I changed into a drinker, a clubber, I went back to indulging and living for my flesh, I was so insecure, I gained a bunch of unhealthy weight. My life was spiraling down hill. I grew accustomed to it, got comfortable in it. An now I have to break that. I have to learn to be healthy again. I have to sit with myself for a while. Really learn why I keep doing this. Why do I cling to trash women. Why do I want to be with trash people. Think about it, we broke up and she jumped on new dick the next day. I don't want a woman like that. I want a woman comfortable being celibate. I want a woman who wants to get married, I want a woman who respects a man in the traditional way. A person health conscious, who cares about the planet. I'm so tired of trash girls... People who talk. They don't actually do and they don't want to change. I don't want these people in my life. I have to change me, change my vibrations so I can attract new healthy connections to spiritually well people. I'm going to stay in DND mode. An at work I'm going to leave these people alone. If they mention her I'm going to ask that they don't. At home I'm going to read my books, exercise, write my books, create content, tuft, pray, blog, write letters to people (instead of texting and phone calls) and just focus on me. I still love her, but she's not for me. She's trash and she deserves trash. An I'm not trash, I have to many good qualities. She needs a boy to her girl.
5:36am- wow yesterday was REALLY emotional day. I feel a little better today. God is good and I'm grateful for everything he's done for me. I'm sorry I'm so ungrateful. I pray Allah forgive me for questioning and being angry. I pray Allah forgive me and protects me from myself. Protects me from my flesh. Protects me from the evil of others. I'm stay on DND today. Might have to turn it off for work. But we'll see when I get there. I would rather not even see messages, than ignore messages.
7:14am- I'm really thinking about signing up for better help. Because financially I feel good, I feel safe in my financial life. But it's the other part of my life that I want and need to build. I think soon I'll go out and be social. Find a writers group, find a crypto group, spend more time with Maria and her wife, maybe even voluntary at the homeless or animal shelter. But not now, right now I want to focus on my goals.
1. Buy a house
2. Get bachelor's degree (in cyber security)
3. Buy a used Tesla ($20k or less cash)
4. Make $100,000 a year solo (after taxes with degree or without)
5. Build brand (YouTube, books, movies, tufting)
6. build self (learn languages, healthy living & body)
I want to focus on me and taking the time to read my books and understand myself and what I'm feeling and doing.
7:23am- building your life feeling your feelings. These are spiritual powers, healing is a spiritual thing. People really don't try to heal or feel their feelings that they feel... Feeling uncomfortable is the spiritual building of your spirit. It's building, like my book says... Being aware is the first step it is the growth. Be aware, be acceptance, change... This is the order this is the way. The way of growth the way of building the way of being.
7:55am- I'm not angry. I'm not hurt. I'm just blah... I'm ok. I'm going to buy a Tesla next year and I'm REALLY excited about it.
2:11pm- I love the things that destroy me. The things that hurt me deep in my core. I hate that God allowed this to happen to me. That I have to go
2:54pm- it fucking hurts man.
10:23pm- I'm glad this chapter of my life is over. She really was not for me. But I need to do the work to figure out why I keep attracting ain't shit women. Why do I keep attracting women who wanna club, not be Mom's, dress skimpy, drink all the time, hunger for men's attention... Sometimes I think it's because I see my own mother in them. I got some serious childhood trauma to unpack. I really do need to be alone with myself for a while.
i started reading these books. Well I started the anxiously attached book. The other book is more like a journal so I started writing in that. I really don't feel good. I'm just going to be alone for a while. I feel confused and angry. Like why did God bring her back in my life when I was feeling good getting over her. An boom that bullshit happen, that was hurtful man. But whatever, I'm going to focus on my goals and put my head in the sand. I'm really hurt world, really sad, really angry. I'm just read my books and focus on my goals. 
because honestly I feel like disappearing yes, but I also feel like many of my friendships have run their course. Like it's time to step back and let people go. It's apart of the reason I leave people alone. I don't call or text because it's like, the path they're going is not my path. I've been feeling like I need better friends for a long time. I need better quality people in my life. People who care about the planet, who care about investing, who want to help and be helped. I been feeling stuck with the people I have in my life. Like they're apart of the old me. The old life I had in Broward. They're apart of the old ways. I really think I'm going to take the leap and truly give into this change. This new growth and shed my old skin, my old life. 
