Life is pain

6:05am- I live a life of fear, fear of being alone and never knowing true love. Fear of failure and never knowing true success, fear of losing my life dream and goal that I will live a mediocre life a regular life like others. I fear that I will never be loved like I give love. that I will spend the rest of my life always giving and never getting. showing love and giving love to people and never getting that same love back. I fear dying without purpose, dying without any real impact on the planet. dying and being forgotten. my existence never truly meaning anything. just another human that was once here.I live a life of fear and I don't want to anymore. When I think about mail I really do wish she was ready, I wish she wanted what I wanted. an I wish we could've made things work. that we could have been a family and build our lives together. I keep crying about her crying about what we could have been. an I think that's what lingers in my heart. when she spoke to me she said don't wait for her. an that hurt me, because that's literally what I'm doing. it's what I want to do. I want her, to love her, to be with her. An she's so ready to move on, to find someone new, to start over and replace me. an honestly that really does hurt me a lot. Today is the day I make the final move for mail. like seriously...I still have stuff for her, her sams card and some of her clothes. she said hold onto it and she'll get it when she needs it. and honestly that makes me feel hope. It makes me feel like she will come back to me soon. that we could still work things out. so today I'm doing it, I'm making the final choice to finish this. I texted her last night and honestly I think she blocked me again. I have not looked at my phone and I'm not going to until around 10 or 11. and if she hasn't read my message or read it and didn't respond. I'm going to throw away her stuff and block her number and move on with my life. if she responds I'm going to ask to talk to her and bring her stuff and say my last piece. like look ___ we can be friends, but friends that are celibate and working on getting back together so we can get married and live our life. If you want to be friends that fuck other people and we're platonic than no I'm good on friendship and give her her stuff and block her. I can not be mails friend, I literally can not look at her and know she's with someone else, that will hurt me. I can not be her friend and know she's moving on without me. that will hurt me. I can only either be her friend who becomes her husband or be nothing at all. and if I'm nothing at all then I have to block her, delete her pictures, stop talking about her and completely let her go and move on. That's the only option...which is crazy because I am friends with my exes. I'm friends with a lot of girls I've had sex with and don't anymore. but her, I have not felt this way about a person since vanessa. I can not be her friend. I'm going to go do laundry at 7 and this time it will be the last time I go to a laundry house. Tuesday or wednesday is the big day, God willing things go smooth and I'll have a big announcement. God willing, next year I'll buy a tesla and that's another big announcement. even if I get mail back I'm still going to keep on this path, I just want to stay on this path but with her. with a partner yes, but specifically with her.

7:00am- mail literally lives up the street. 

which reminds me that 23 lives a little further but is also close and I don't see her either. God is telling me to let go and let the pain, hurt, and anger wash through me. 

8:49am- thank you God for taking these people from me. I'm scared, I'm angry, and I'm hurt. But I will trust, I will believe, I will have faith. Please don't let my pain be in vain. Thank you God for taking these people from me. 

9:15am- I completely cut her out my life. She's found someone new...I dropped off all the stuff I have for her and I blocked her on everything. I put my phone on DND I really don't want to be bothered by anyone for a while. I'm sad, angry, and just hurt. I'm so confused about my life. Like why would God do this to me. But than again it's like there was signs. Clear signs... Can is just and nothing he does is unfair. I thank him for this... For taking her away for allowing this pain. I'm fighting the urge to go buy a cigarette and beer. I hate feeling this way. I'm really hurt man. I don't think I'm going to make any videos or do anything today honestly. I kinda just want to lay down and die.

4:15pm- I got these books at Barnes and nobles. I just woke up. i started reading these books. Well I started the anxiously attached book. The other book is more like a journal so I started writing in that. I really don't feel good. I'm just going to be alone for a while. I feel confused and angry. Like why did God bring her back in my life when I was feeling good getting over her. An boom that bullshit happen, that was hurtful man. But whatever, I'm going to focus on my goals and put my head in the sand. I'm really hurt world, really sad, really angry. I'm just read my books and focus on my goals. 

6:00pm- I really like this. because honestly I feel like disappearing yes, but I also feel like many of my friendships have run their course. Like it's time to step back and let people go. It's apart of the reason I leave people alone. I don't call or text because it's like, the path they're going is not my path. I've been feeling like I need better friends for a long time. I need better quality people in my life. People who care about the planet, who care about investing, who want to help and be helped. I been feeling stuck with the people I have in my life. Like they're apart of the old me. The old life I had in Broward. They're apart of the old ways. I really think I'm going to take the leap and truly give into this change. This new growth and shed my old skin, my old life. 

7:54pm- I really was willing to settle for her. This is her pros and cons list. 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/180hPn23fH4kVAL09snufAnSNA61Nlh_rgLAPV1N1Fig/edit?usp=drivesdk