5:34am- I really do wanna disappear... I think today I'm just chill and keep to myself. This weekend I'm chill and not answer my phone. I been seriously looking inside myself and trying to figure out what I got going on. Why my relationships not working correctly... Also Tuesday is still the big day and my kids got no school. So I think I'll bring them with me that day to do everything. Tomorrow I'm go get the sage and probably take the boys to Barnes and nobles. I'm change their book report to monthly. I woke up around 4 and haven't been back to sleep... I should've gotten up and prayed the whole time. Hind sight is 40/40.
11:24am- being a dad ain't easy. But I gotta get my goals. Get the life I deserve and what.
1. Buy a house
2. Get bachelor's degree (in cyber security)
3. Buy a used Tesla ($20k or less cash)
4. Make $100,000 a year solo (after taxes with degree or without)
5. Build brand (YouTube, books, movies, tufting)
6. build self (learn languages, healthy living & body)
I'm do this thing and make it happen. One goal at a time.
10:17pm- I finished my pros & cons list about myself.
Pros
-financially independent and stable, good with saving and finances.
-open minded and willing to learn and grown in all areas of life
-looking for marriage and life partner not a girlfriend or fwb. Dating with purpose.
-loves kids and being a father
-has his own car and house and wants to obtain more material goods
-intelligent in various different topics. Mainly finances and electronics
-easy to talk to and can talk to about any subject
- high sex drive and sexually open
- can cook and wanting to learn to be better at it
- likes to try different foods (restaurants) and activities (indoor sky diving, axe throwing, golf, kayaking, etc)
- wants to eat healthy and exercise(actively trying)
- God loving and fearing (prays, but not overly religious)
- openly speaks his mind, likes to talk about his feelings, the possible future, and planning things for the possible future.
- relatively physically healthy (no chronic illnesses or diseases)
- caring, empathic, sympathetic, sincere person to everyone he meets and interacts with.
- college educated (associates degree) and going for bachelor's degree in cyber security
- emotionally intelligent(can recognize his own feelings and how his actions can and will make others feel )
- very self aware and self conscious frequently self-reflecting (can be viewed as over thinking or self debt or stressing but actually not)
- talks positive to people speaks life into partner and others.
- cares about the planet and practices no littering, minimalist life style, water preservation, etc
Cons
-two kids without a mother
-can be emotionally unstable at times
-very needy, attention hungry, consider clingy
-when upset can either shut down or sometimes say hurtful things. (Working on it but needs help)
-talks a lot
-can be selfish at times. Wanting what he wants and upset if he doesn't get his way
-can come off as controlling or bossy when he thinks he knows what's the best thing to do
-not into clubs, bars, ghetto hood activities(could be a pro)
- can be an overthinker at times
- sometimes when talking to people can come off obnoxious or egotistical
- some of his insecurities can come off as low self-esteem (actively working on it, reassurance resolves most issues)
- mental health issues; bipolar disorder order, anti social personality disorder
- addictive personality, drinks heavy, smokes weed heavy weed smoker when he smokes
- can be a people pleaser at his own lose. Over extend himself to those who don't reciprocate
- is a minimalist (could be a pro)
- once I think something of somebody, it becomes very hard to change my mind about that person
- avoids emotional confrontation sometimes instead of addressing something as soon as it happens, I hold on to it. I let it Fester and it builds up until I explode with anger
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