endure

5:32am- I had some wild dreams. I mean really outrageous... I went to be around 10:30-11. Which nah I thought I could sacrifice my sleep. But nope, I like my sleep to much. I'm keep going to bed before ten. Fuck that, that's the move. 

5:46am- nothing happens to us without God. 

no matter what you go through, good or bad. In your mind, the reality is God allowed it. God let it happen. An in his infinite mercy and wisdom we must believe that he allowed it for good reason. He knows the best things for us and the things not best. Pray for the strength to endure. 

6:05am- stay committed to the finish line. Not the process of getting there. I know who I want to be and that's what I'm pushing for. That's what I want, I know who I want to be. Im keep pushing forward keep going the path. I've been emotional and just feeling crazy. But I didn't drink I didn't indulge I didn't do any reckless behavior. I didn't call or talk to anyone about it. I'm going to grieve, grieve the lost of my old self grieve the lost of the woman I love who refused to change. As I look at the pros and cons list I was a fucking fool trying to force change on someone. That's not my place now hubris of me. I'm not God, who am I to try and change someone. I believe God is preparing me for my wife. I started writing a pros and cons list of myself. 

6:25am- mer gave me a book years ago and I read it and it helped me get over Malika and Vanessa. the book really helped, I opened it this morning. that first read touched me. Cause now that I got that list and read it Everytime I think of her. I feel good, I feel ok. Cause it's like God is legit getting me ready for a real love that's for me. An I'm so ready. Exercise, read books, Chase my dreams. Ok let me get ready for work. 

12:01pm- it hurts to still be in love with her. She legit rather we part than fix this... I'm getting off around 7 today. Get this money. Go home shower and edit this video and drop it tomorrow. Thursday I'm be off and I'll make another video. Get back into reading and writing my books. Damn I wanna cry... I really fucking love her. I'm sad she doesn't want to fix this. 

3:26pm- God is good, it's my cousin birthday today and it's D5 birthday as well. That's what I call shorty. She was be with me but she a hood 5 piece. An that hood shit don't move me. It don't turn me on or nothing. I'm actually turned off by that ghetto shit. Being ignorant isn't sexy people. That shit just dumb. But God is good, he's working for me and I'm giving praise and chilling. 

6:43pm- grab some chicken and bread and go home. 

8:49pm- I feel so stupid. I found her number on eatable arrangements and called her and of course I'm blocked. I left a voicemail like the stupid shit I am. I feel hurt and sad. I'm going to bed