who do I want to be?

5:33am- I didn't go out last night... I was feeling emotional for real. I legit felt like crying but nothing came out. I went to bed and woke up around 4:30 went back to sleep and now I'm up. I got work today. Tomorrow I find out my new schedule. I don't know what happen to me. Why I was so emotional but I was. I'm not big on going out. Honestly it reminds me of her. I've been praying to get over her but I keep thinking about her. But I get it, her and I are completely done. Don't mean I'm not hurt about it. An I'm not her, I'm not going to drink and go fuck new people to numb my feelings and act like I don't care. I'm a romantic a real lover boy. 

6:27am- I'm so ready to be over this dip. Over this sadness inside me. This hunger for deep human connection. This hurt of lost. 

i literally want to move on. Just let her go and move on with my life. 

7:15- 23 is upset with me, I get it... She wants to be with me, but like I told her. I wouldn't do that right now. I'm not over mail. That wouldn't be fair to her or a nice thing. She deserves good honest loyal love. An right now in my heart I want mail. If she came back I'd be so happy. I gotta get over that before I jump into something with someone else.

8:21am- I'm take more pictures

i got more film and magnet cases for the film. I'm take more pictures and send them to people when i mail out my monthly letters and cards. Pictures of nature or myself. But at the beginning of every month I like the idea of mailing people kind cards and nice words. I wanna help make the world a better place. Give people encouraging words and reason to check their mail box. 

8:55am- I'm so ready for change. To become this person I'm supposed to be. I'm locking in, I'm giving up on bullshit. Fuck going out fuck laying around. I am my worst enemy and the best way to defeat a enemy forever is to make them a friend. https://youtu.be/QkCa--fyGjA?si=Mc-V4SEtfIqqPR3F

9:48am- ok let's get this day at work done. Go look at houses, go home edit my film and do my list of things to do. See if she wants to do the podcast today as well. Make some spaghetti for dinner and lunch for tomorrow. I'm so ready for success. To do what needs to be done. I love my sleep but I gotta give up a little bit of it. 6 hours of sleep should be enough that with some coffee and I should be good to go. 

2:45pm- I saw her car pulling into her driveway and I turned my head so fast... Fucking bitch probably coming back from some dudes house. Found her some new dick to lie to and say she don't suck dick. 😭😭😭😭 She's so stupid, we should be house hunting together. Should be married by now. Ugh I miss her, I wish she would've been good so we can be together. 

3:04pm- I didn't mean those things I said .. I don't know where she was coming from. An is not my business. She's not my girl. I got hurt and jealous I think. Like right now my heart feels weak. I honestly feel sad. I'm home I'm cook shower and wait for the realtor. Edit this video and just be productive... I long for a wife. A life partner. Someone to share life with in a intimate way. It's why I don't indulge, why I haven't been sexual with anyone. I want a deep connection to someone... An right now that someone is still mail. 

3:24pm- I don't want to be angry. I don't want to think about her. I just want to let this go and move on with my life.

3:32pm- from last night to today. I feel sad, I feel hurt. I'm legit trying not to think about it. But it hurts. I feel the anger inside me and I don't want to be angry.

3:55pm- ok I'm going to go look at a house. She couldn't get access to get into some of the houses we spoke about but she got access to this one. I'll go look... I did finish cooking dinner, so I'm happy about that...I wonder if I'm angry at myself, angry that I feel lonely... But I don't feel lonely. Like I have friends and family I can call and talk to and hang out with. I desire a spouse, a wife...a specific person. But again lately I feel so angry. I don't know who I'm angry at. Maybe I'm angry she hasn't come back. Hasn't tried to be better to change so we can be together. What the fuck is wrong with me. I gotta stop thinking about this shit. Thinking about this bullshit. I have to move on.

4:17pm- she doesn't love me and she really doesn't care. I have to let her go. I have to move one. Buying a house won't fill this feeling of emptiness. That isn't why I'm doing it. Really I'm doing it for commitment. Stability... To progress my life. Own a home, buy my stock and plan my retirement, and eventually buy my dream car. A Tesla... God will decide when and if I ever find a wife or have another child. 

5:02pm- this woman really broke my heart. Instead of being better and changing her ways. She literally said fuck you I'm stay the same. Blocked, rather be without you than with you. A fucking year and 3 months of my life wasted. I was going to marry this woman. Fuck that shit hurts man. 

5:39pm- she really broke my heart... I'm done looking at houses. I only fell in love with one. So we putting in a offer for it. This girl really broke my heart. Y'all have no idea how hurt I am over this woman me I legit felt ready to spend my life with her. But she didn't see a future with me 😭😭🤢😭😭 I'm shower and go lay down. 

6:10pm- I feel so angry and I don't know why. I want to drink I want to indulge. I want to feel better. I don't wanna feel this. I feel sad and angry at the same time.

6:11pm- look at God. as soon as. I opened the app... Maybe she will come back later. Or I'll eventually find someone when I'm healed. But I want someone ... Ugh I'm having a human experience. 

7:22pm- God I feel so angry and sad... I didn't edit my video I'm going to write a letter and lay down. Order my uniform... I feel so hurt and angry... But honestly I started a pros and cons list. I'm going to get over this girl. She legit wasn't all that I don't get why my spirit longs for her... Like I'm looking at this list and there are WAY MORE cons than pros.