letting go hurts

7:10am- there is no way for God to give me a wife if I'm stuck on this girl. No easy the universe will send my person when I keep thinking about what ifs with someone who literally said they don't see a future with me. I have to let her go. I need to master living in the present. I think to much about the future, about the what if the possibilities. But that's so hubris in a sense. Only God can determine if I'll live to see tomorrow. I have no idea what is going to happen in 2 minutes from now but I day dream about years from now. About a house about a wife about more kids. What if I never have more kids what if I'm single until I'm 50. I mean life happens and only God knows what will happen. I woke up late because I went to bed late. I just wanted to share that we can't walk through a new door if we're constantly looking back. The universe works off vibrations. If you constantly think of the past think of old things those vibrations will continue to radiate from you attracting those same things that you've always gotten. I want a wife, live with my wife, have us a house, raise our kids and worship God together, vacation, laugh, fight, and grow together. Someone to bounce ideas off of. I want peace and happiness with another person. To feel secure when we're apart and reassured when we're together. 

8:08am- well there how my opt. So I'm back to bouncing around route to route. What an annoyance. I still don't want to go back to Orange. If I have to than fine, but I prefer staying away from mail. Like I said this morning, I can't move forward with my life and. Get what I want (a wife a life partner) if I'm obsessed with her, if I'm constantly thinking of her. If I'm constantly desiring her. An honestly if I go back there I'm going to want to talk to her. I'm definitely going to look at her. And looking at her always makes me smile. Since the first day I saw her. I couldn't stop smiling couldn't stop thinking of her. Our lives are made up of moments. Emotions remind me I'm alive. 

10:33am- I'm ok with change, I get hurt or sad or anxious when it's a change that I didn't expect or plan or decide to do on my own. So like today all of a sudden I feel sad, anxious, and hurt. I feel weird. My heart been pounding and just feeling like wow... An it's like I'm scared...I been thinking of mail as well. An it's like why? Why can't I shake her... Than 23 text me today and I told her she deserves love. She been through a lot she deserves someone who will help her get to where she wants to be. 

Thats her response to me...I can't be with her knowing I want to be with mail still. My heart still longs for mail. Let's get this day over with. It's looking like around 6.

11:49am- I'm not the best man in the world but I'm a good man. I try really hard to be a good person to be a good dad to be a good man. I really do deserve a love to recognizes my worth. A love that sees me and says I want him in my life I want him as my man. I want to be apart of the reason he's happy and at peace with life. These moments of weakness and emotional pain remind me I'm alive, I'm having a human experience.

2:32pm- they want me go out tonight. Maybe I will go... But I don't wanna drink. Go listen to music drink a soda or a beer. No hard alcohol... If mail goes I'm immediately leaving.

5:23pm- ganna be a late Day. I gotta go help. Which means I'm probably not getting off around 6. Which is good, I want the money, plus I kind don't want to go out. I'm scared to drink and scared to see mail. Plus I was thinking of indulging after work. I know I've been doing really good. A whole month I've been clean. But idk I was feeling it and honestly was going to go do it right after work. So I'm glad God intervened. I keep praying that God protects me from myself. Protects me from my flesh. 

5:47pm-

8:38pm- I was ganna go out and hang out with Maria and clerk. But honestly, I don't feel good. I think I'm go to bed... For some reason I feel like crying but I can't.