I see me

10:37pm- man that shit still hurts... She really didn't and doesn't want to make a life with me. I really just wanna be over her... It's all on God time. But I really wanna feel better. I'm sad, angry, and hurt. She just out the living it up. I'm really fucking hurt. 

5:46am- I have to let her go... I had some of the craziest dreams last night. It was ridiculous, I woke up like 5 times last night. 

i was up at 5:30 but I'm still laying in bed. I was listening to the news and then got on Twitter and saw this. 

an I instantly thought of her. Because this what I was doing. I always wanted her to sleep over. I couldn't help but look at her and adore her beautiful face. I really was all about her. I mean when she made me insecure and did nothing to reassure me. That kinda would push me away. I always took her places. Casamigo was our spot. We went at least once a month. I used to buy her monthly present. A charm for her Pandora bracelet. I just wanted to love her and be loved back... I deserve love, I gotta let her go. I deserve a love as giving pure and obsessed as I am. 

7:26am- yeah I'm getting out of bed now... That hood shit is a turn off for me. I gotta lock in and protect my energy. Protect mental... These chicks are trash and not what I really want or need. I pray to God I find a love that is supporting, inspiring, and uplifting. I'm so tired of pouring into others and they don't pour back. Sick of women who seek validation from strangers and men. I want to be free from this desire to be loved, cherished, and seen for my worth. I see me and that should be enough. 

8:05am-crypto is pumping baby, this is the future of money. Every person I talk to I tell them buy crypto. Like this is the future of money for real. 

so because I'm making a big purchase soon. I've been trying to flip my lil money. Turn $1,000 into $2k or $1,500 at least by the end of the month. I'm praying. Cause after this purchase I still gotta pay bills and buy other things. I'm really just trying to live my best life. Live my dream. Own a house, drive a nice car, fully electric if possible, have a beautiful wife and raise good people. 

11:01am- very good fucking day man. I did more stuff for the lady sent that email with the information she requested. I got my video live and going. Did a lil cleaning and just been chilling. I was thinking of taking the kids out and getting some bottle water on the way back home. And getting gas for the week. My crypto is going up which makes me feel really good about that as well. I man I'm scared and kinda sad but I have faith. It's been a damn good day yo. I'm proud of myself and happy with this relaxation. I'm supposed to go hang out with clerk later. I'll probably pass on that. I'm not feeling social. Haven't really thought about mail but I'm not feeling social. Still a little anxious and nervous about the possibility of seeing her tomorrow. 

 11:33am- bipolar disorder, anxiety, antisocial personality disorder... This sober journey has been helping me really understand myself and control my emotions better. 

12:18pm- fuck I want a Tesla. look at the price and value of the car. Shit I owe $17,000 on my car right now... I'm buy me a house and save up $5,000 and buy me a used Tesla. I gotta get a house first. But then I'm get a used Tesla. I'm buy the car.

1. Buy a house

2. Get bachelor's degree

3. Buy a used Tesla

4. Make $100,000 a year solo

5. Build brand (YouTube, books, movies, tufting) 

6. build self (learn languages, healthy living & body)

Look at the the used model Y I might get that instead if it's less than $25,000.

it's absolutely worth it to me. Helps the planet and saves on gas. I mean this is the future. I want a fully electric car for $25,000 or less. But I would prefer a $10,000-$20,000 car. 

4:28pm- I told clerk I'm good, I'm not going out. I ain't in the social mood. I'm in the lock into solitude mood. Stack up my money and focus my mind. Plus I'm morning the death of my old life. I'm mourning the lost of the woman I'm still in love with. I don't wanna be around anyone. Especially not a married woman who is cheating on her husband with 3-4 different men. I want better people in my life. 

6:23pm- damn my heart dropped about tomorrow... When I go to work I'm putting in my headphones doing my work and going home. I don't want to look at her or speak to her. I'm genuinely hurt by this woman. But that's life, that's God will. I have faith he's making a way for me.