6:36am- shake it off... The day will be over soon enough. Than everything can go back to normal.
8:42am- I pray God heals my heart, removes this desire for things that are not good for me. I'm genuinely hurt. But I keep reminding myself God got me. God is protecting me. God is moving in my life. Let the pain flow through me, let the pain remind me that God is leading me somewhere. That everything happens for a reason and if God so chooses I'll know the reason soon enough. God is building my life and working on things I could and will never understand. God is doing for me without me even knowing. Faith is believing even when it hurts. And I'm hurt, but God is my savior and I'll keep pushing forward and believing.
9:00 my heart is racing, beating fast. I'm getting nervous and anxious but I'm praying it off. Trying to relax myself. God got me, she doesn't want me. She doesn't want my love. I have to let her go. Leave her alone... No matter how bad it hurts. God doesn't want her in my life. I'm going to leave my house at 9:30.
9:26am- I really do hate feeling this way. Late that someone who doesn't care about me has me feeling this way... But I did it to myself and I do it too myself. Stuck in this state of mind, in this thinking pattern.
9:41am- I'm here... 55 is usually when I go inside. So I'm just in the parking lot with my heart racing. Listening to NPR radio. Man it hurts for real... This feeling of wanting to love someone and be loved back. The feeling of wanting to come home too someone. Wanting a family of my own. This feeling really does hurt, it's like a hunger you can't satisfy. I'm going to focus on my goals though. Focus on my cyber security and building my financial life. I only pray God will send me someone to love fully. Someone who will love me openly and fully. An I can love them, I long to be held in the arms of love. But God decides when that'll happen if that'll happen and how that'll happen. The worst part is I understand that no matter what love ends in heartbreak. No matter what love ends in being hurt. Being hurt by the lose of love. Either one person dies first or y'all drift apart and break up. Leaving the person still in love to hurt at the lost of their love. Even if the person only changes, you'll mourn the loss of the person you were in love with. My heart hurts... But I thank God I got to experience love. I thank God I got the chance to show her love. I'm going to be ok, this hurt and pain won't last forever.
1:52pm- she parked right next to me. I only know this because Maria had to say something to me. Had to ask me what's going on. Like girl I'm trying to get over this woman. I want to be free of this feeling. I didn't look at her or speak a word. An that's how I'm keep it. May God give her healing and heal me as well. I'm about to be done with work. I gotta pay these people and do more paperwork. That's fine with me, I'm grateful for the direction my life is going. I pray God continues to move in my life. Heals my broken heart and grants me focus on my goals. No more women no more love. Clearly it's not meant for me to have a partner and build my life. So I'll just build my life and pray this desire for a partner goes away completely. That girl really fucking hurt me man.
3:10pm- God is so good to me. I praise and give thanks.
3:46pm- God is so good. I'm take the boys out there.
6:28pm- yeah I desire deep human connection. I desire more than a sex. More than alcohol and drugs. This shit with mail really hurt because I let her in. I knew she didn't like me but I guess I was hoping she would see how good I am for her. How well our pieces match... But it's fine. I'm going to focus my time and energy. Disappear on everyone and just focus my mind and energy. It's going to be hard, but I want it. I want better, I want to love and be loved openly and freely.
9:30pm- I did good, I didn't look at her or say a word to her... Kinda pissed me off when two people said something to me about her. But whatever, I feel good that I did get through it. But it really did hurt me. She literally moved on with her life. Found new dick and doesn't give a fuck about the year 3 months we was together. The cruise, the gifts, the unprotected sex... None of it meant anything to her. That shit hurts, cause it meant something to me. I legit wanted to marry her... I'm trying... I'm going to let it go. But it hurts still. I gotta just focus on my goals.
1. Buy a house
2. Get bachelor's degree
3. Buy a used Tesla
4. Make $100,000 a year solo
5. Build brand (YouTube, books, movies, tufting)
6. build self (learn languages, healthy living & body)
I'm sad and want to cry. I'm going to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment