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6:25am- when I first moved to fort Pierce I tried so hard to get the job at waste management. I went there everyday for 3 weeks begging for the job. I prayed about it, I spoke to the manager daily. They finally gave me the job. 9 months into the job I totally ruined it. I was breaking mail boxes, complaining about pay, complaining about helping other people on they route. I mean I absolutely made a shit show of the job. Of course they fired me... I ruined my blessing, God gave me what I wanted and gave me chance after chance to care for it correctly and get my act together. I doubled down on my bullshit on my carelessness. An I lost my blessing. Of course I learned from that experience and knew next time I got a job I really want I won't mess it up. Which is why I've been at the post office for the last 2 years going on 3 and it's the longest job I've ever had and I've not squander the blessing. God will come to you and say it plain and clear. Stop what you're doing and change or you'll lose this or that. He'll show you that what you prayed for is right in front of you. He'll give you chance after chance to change your ways and enjoy the blessing so he can double it. But it's your choice to change. Your choice to receive the blessing. Your choice to say yes I'm sorry I messed up and I'm ready now to grow and change. Some people never do that and die in their sin in their filth. Some people go through the same cycle for years until death the same cycle for years until they literally ruin themselves and those around them. I don't want to be one of those people. I changed and I grew and I BEGGED her to change and grow with me. God told her you could be happy with him you could live a great life with him you could have a family your daughter would have a father you would be secure and have a man obsessed and in love with you. But you have to change you have to stop. And she said no, she said no to change and yes to staying exactly the same in the exact spot she's always been. An that hurt me, I took that personally, I took her deciding to stay the same and not join me on this journey or growth as a personal attack. It never was, it was never about me. It was always about her. She doesn't want to change and she's said that before and shown it. Change fucking hurts and as I'm going through this healing journey going through this change myself. OMG this shit HURTS!!!! but I keep telling myself it's worth it. Is worth the pain. Shed that old skin and grow new. Become a new person to live a new life. I've been sober from drugs, alcohol, and sex. I've been dealing with childhood trauma and triggers. I've been really sitting with myself and asking hard questions. Change, growth, it truly hurts in places you didn't expect. Today I'm off and Xfinity should be fixing my Internet so I'll be making a video soon. I'm get into my office and figure that out as well. Do laundry and overall just work on my life. I'm in a better space now, it took a few days of prayer and talking to Mer to really get my mind and feelings in a better space. I've been praying for Edith. Because in the end, I truly did love her. So may God heal her heart, spirit, and mind. 

9:35am- $190 for a lock Smith to open my office door. 😭😭😭 Now I need to make copies of the house keys and im get a smart lock for my office. Cause that was ridiculous. 

10:38am- something I realized while sitting with myself for the last few days. I never wanted to heal alone. I know it's a process I have to do alone. I have to go through it and what not. But I didn't want to do it alone. I wanted to heal with a partner. Like buying my house, I wanted to buy a house with a partner. I've always been afraid of being alone. Afraid of doing things alone. Is why I don't like going places alone. It's why I begged her to come with me on this healing journey. To stop drinking with me. Stop clubbing and going out and stay home with the kids and me. Exercise together eat healthy together. I didn't want to do it alone. I don't know why or when this fear consumed me. But it became apart of my core personality. An now it hurts to be alone, but I understand I need this pain. I need this pain to grow and change. To develop into who I need to be. Growth and change hurt and I didn't want to hurt alone. I wanted to hurt with someone. 

2:34pm-boom comcast is up and running. I feel great about that. I'm about to drop a video.

4:22pm-i probably should've did my driver license stuff today. But fuck it I'll do that next day off. Today I chilled and enjoyed my house.  

5:30pm-ok so I'm thinking I'll go to bed around 11. So by 10:30-45 I'm in my bed reading or meditating as I prepare for asleep. Since I wake up at 5:30am everyday. That'll be a lil over 6 hours of sleep. Not the most ideal but definitely a good minimum amount of sleep to get. 

7:44pm- yo I really like shelves. 

i been slowly customizing my house. Fuck I love having a house. I bought a water filtering system today as well. They supposed to come and install it tomorrow while I'm at work. But yeah I'm back at it. I'm drop a video tonight for sure. It's loading up. I need to get my office in order as well.