5:54am- when you're used to being alone and never getting anything from people. An you finally feel like someone is seeing you and giving what you feel you never got all your life. It makes you desperate to hold onto that. I vaguely remember my dreams, but they felt real. I can still see the text that was in my dreams. Hear the voices... I really just want to be ok. I still feel the sadness, longing, and anger. It's inside me lingering around. But I rather take it out at work and be nice to my kids.
7:33am- I wanna say I feel numb, but more so sad... I have so many things to do though. Things to focus my mind on.
8:09am- is going to be another long day at work. Thank God for the money, thank God for the help with my children.
9:32am- there is no life greater than a life of servitude. To help others is the ultimate gift and power
12:15pm-truly I'm blessed, Allah has blessed me with this life. Money in the bank, a house, a car, good health, good looks, children that are smart and obedient. Truly I'm blessed and I'm grateful. But still my heart longs, still my spirit desires, still I feel for a romantic love. An that hurts me, that brings me sorrow. That plagues my mind.
1:51pm- she literally said I make her feel like she's not good enough. An instead of joining me on the journey of growth she stayed the same. I think I'm hurt because of that. Because I have to leave her behind as apart of my old life. She said she wanted to have a baby. Never said my baby but whatever. She said she wanted a baby and I said let's stop drinking so we can increase our chances of having a healthy baby and she said no. She'll stop when she finds out she pregnant. I said let's exercise together and she said no I'm not exercising. Like I just wanted to grow with her. I never wanted to be without her. But I can't become this new person with someone attached to my old life. But why would she do that. Why would she want to stay the same and not grow with someone. She's stuck in the past stuck in her own pain and hurt and I hate that for her. But I hate staying the hate. I hate this feeling hurt and loneliness. This hurt of leaving her behind...I pray she heals. Not so she can return to me (that would be great) but because I want to live in the essence of God's love. And God's love is healing and pure. So may God heal her of her self hate and self sabotage. Heal her and protect her from the evil of her heart and flesh.... I have to get over her and move on so I can find my one true love. So I can find my life partner. I'm ready to get married and settle down and build a better life with someone who wants the same with me.
3:03pm- one minute I'm ok the next I'm not. I hate this for me.
4:23pm- today might be my last blog post for a few days. I gotta stop talking about this girl, I think that'll help me get over her. I hurt at the idea that she really just moved on from me so fast. A year and 4 months and it meant nothing to her. She sucking and fucking some other dude, some dude who literally has less than me. I think it's hurtful that I'm a believer in the one true God and have done my best to be a good person. Helping others talking life into others. And this lady don't so none of that but shes allow to shit on my heart and move onto her next victim no real consequence. It's like fuck man ... I put my heart and soul into loving her into being with her and I literally got my heart crushed.... This shit hurts and I hate talking about it. I hate thinking about it. I hate that I feel this way and can't get over it. I hate that I can't drink to numb the pain or smoke or just have sex. Literally I just wanna have sex to feel better even for a minute .. these women will cuddle me and comfort me. But it's not right because I don't want them. Because I want intimacy and depth in my physical connection ... I hate this shit. So yeah, I think I'm stop posting for a bit. I gotta go to my personal journal with this. I'll be back when my mind is clear or I'm able to talk about something other than her.
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