11:11pm- I have to be alone for awhile. I need to break free of this fear. This fear of being alone. Fear of failing. Fear of success. Fear of doing things alone. Fear of not being seen. Like what's wrong with me. Why do I constantly think of other people. Thinking about if she's thinking of me if she thinks of us or me at all. If she's getting fucked (probably) if she's happy. It's like why does any of that matter. Than I think about well ok let's focus on us. Let's work on our art on our stuff on what makes us happy and feel fulfilled. An I'm thinking why, why do any of it. Why do it if in reality I want a partner. It's like a partner for what? Sex? Dude that won't stop the anger. That won't stop the desire for more out of life. Only facing the fear. An to face the fear I have to focus. I have to pay attention to me. Sit with the loneliness. I'm going to bed for real now .. But it's so right in my face and I don't want to face it. I'm literally trying to run. I'm not using sex, alcohol, or drugs to run. But I'm still trying to run. Twitter, YouTube, anger directed at my kids. Anything to not the loneliness to not work on my art to not confront my thoughts…it's so sad, so many people live like this. I live like this. I just stop using sex and alcohol to numb the feelings. What a sad way of existing. I'm no better than the alcoholics and drug addicts.
6:23am- the life I want to live and the life I'm living are separated by the ability to stay focused. By discipline and hard work. Tonight when I get off work I'm going to do some grooming. Maybe set up my cameras. Clean up a bit. And work on my book. I might make a video and watch joker 2. Tomorrow I wanna do house stuff.
6:50am- I really do try not to think about or linger too long on what could’ve been, the life I could’ve had with anyone. Those types of thoughts make me feel sad, the idea that in almost all of my relationships I loved more than being loved. Vanessa I know I messed that up and the same with Melody. I was to young and dumb to understand the idea of love in it’s totality, an honestly I was still to hurt and angry. That’s why I know sitting with myself in this time is the best thing for me. It hurts like crazy but it’s something I really need to do. I’ve avoided this work for so long. Avoided feeling this fear and anxiety. This shit is like a weight on my heart. I can literally feel the emotion in my chest. This little thing in my stomach is just sitting there. An I keep trying to identify it but it’s like no, not yet. I think it’s loneliness but honestly I’m not sure, I know I still think about E. I think about if she thinks of me, if she misses me, I think about the life we could’ve lived if she would’ve put in the effort, I think about her daughter. Her laughter sitting down and coloring with her. Then I remember how angry I am, I feel this anger inside me. This part of me that is always saying burn down the world. Do whatever you want, nothing matters who cares. Fuck everyone else because they don’t care about me. An it’s like no man, I don’t want to live like that. I’m not that person, that’s not living and existing in God’s love. I have to get rid of this anger inside me. Or redirect it, again if I’m going to be a angry person I rather be angry at work and come home and pretend to be happy. Instead I go to work and pretend to be happy and come home angry. I don’t want that for myself or my children. If anyone deserves to live with a fake version of me. It’s my children, they deserve to think their father is a happy go lucky guy with no stress or issues. Not these people at work who really don’t give a damn about me. Although hell I feel my children don’t care about me either but that’s expected since they’re children and only care about themselves. I’m navigating life just like everyone else, I’m trying to figure out my emotions and what i’m doing just like everyone else. Some people are blessed to get to do that with another person. I am unlucky because I have to do it alone, which was my biggest fear in life. To be alone and suffer alone and exist alone in this vast ever expanding universe. Crazy how some people are broke but have a partner and others have money but no partner. Rich and miserable and some are poor and happy. Smart and sad while others are dumb and blissful. What a life to live, a way to exist. An all those are ok, all those just are. It’s about time to head to work and get this day going.
10:24am- I'm in a good mood. God is good, they make me laugh at work. They're so funny and chill to be around. It's a good feeling being surrounded by positive upbeat people. So today will be a long day I'm going to deal with it. I'm grateful for the money.
1:52pm- I'm over E…. But I'm still healing, still going through the process of accepting being alone. I hear the voice saying to me we're not ready. We can not and should not distract ourselves with someone new. We need to be alone a little longer. We need to sit with our inner child for longer. I can hear the voice, I can feel myself still getting triggered at thoughts and words.
5:55pm- I suddenly felt triggered…her sister probably has her daughter for Christmas. Which means she'll be at her new man house getting fucked while I'm home alone healing from childhood trauma and heart break. How fucking lucky am I 😭😭 but I know it's the best thing for me. It stings but it doesn't hurt as much as it used too. Now it's like whatever man, she can do anything she wants. She's living in pain and ignoring her trauma. She ruined her chance for a good life just to drink and hop from dick to dick. That's so stupid…I guess I'm still hurt and a bit angry. That's probably why that voice said I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm still hurt and still moving with Anger in me. Healing really does take time. It's a process, it's hurtful but it's needed. I'm so tired of being hurt all the time. Being angry all the time. Honestly not drinking or smoking has me in a better place controlling my emotions.
7:05pm- I would've like to be with my person. Holidays are for family for being with people you love and care about. Last Xmas me and E was together. She really just started a new with someone new. What a way life works. Her and Vanessa are the only two women I celebrated Christmas with.
10:24pm- I pray my next love is my last love. I just wanna pour my heart and spirit into loving someone and they loving me back fully in all the same ways. Openly and freely and we grow and thrive in life. Would've been nice. I'm still grieving the life me and her could've had.
No comments:
Post a Comment