It was a day

6:52am- One of the things that gets me is that I’m not alone and I know I’m not. I have my family and cousins and my friends. I have women who want me romantically and say it daily and make it clear that they want to be with me in a romantic way. But I feel alone, I feel alone in the sense that I don’t have a romantic partner. Someone I can give my all too, someone I can pour into. But oddly enough I literally vent to my cousin everyday we talk on the phone everyday. I talk to Mer all the time, Asia hits me up all the time, clerk text me daily. Like I have friends and family that I’m in contact with daily. But still yet I feel alone, I feel without something, I feel a longing. It’s so odd to me because it’s like Joseph you are not alone, little me you’re not alone. We have so much love pouring into us, so much love and tenderness around us. Why do you feel this way, why do you keep running back to the memory and thoughts of this girl, of this person who has not chosen you. An I think to myself is it a self esteem issue? Am I so internally broken and damage that I subconsciously believe I don’t deserve to be loved I don’t deserve the love I think I do. Which goes into why I do my affirmations everyday. Why daily I tell myself I deserve to be loved, I deserve to feel fulfilled. I deserve a healthy relationship, a wife, someone who chooses me daily. An I wonder who is this inside me working against me. Who is this that’s saying we don’t deserve good love, we should go back to her, we should reach out to her. We should try again. Because I want to hug that person inside me, because I don’t. I chose her and she didn’t choose me. Even now she doesn’t choose me, she didn’t reach out or try or say anything. She has moved on so why does this person inside me keep trying to make me go backwards? I think about my past and all th times I’ve done that. I’ve reached out to past lovers to try to fix things and make it work again. Hell I did it with 20, I kept reaching out to her, kept trying to fix things with us. But she didn’t and doesn’t want to change or grow. Same issue I’m having or had with E. Like I deserve to be with someone who is willing to grow and change with me. Same way I’m willing to grow and change with someone. Like look how I know for a fact that was Jess(20) calling me earlier this week. She called me and I answered and she said nothing, then I text and no response and she did that for 3 days. Never once saying a word or leaving a message or texting me. That is so immature, like why reach out to do that. An I get it if she had a moment of weakness or thought maybe I do want him then second guessed herself. An it’s like don’t do that. Because it’s not just about you and your feelings, but it’s about the other person who you’re interacting with. I deserve love, I deserve someone who chooses me, I deserve a healthy relationship, a life partner, someone mature enough that I have converse with them in a way that feels natural and deeply connected. Life is to short and way to long to play around and pretend we’re not feeling things when we are. Ok I’m done sharing this deep intimate thought for the day. I’m going to head to work and get this long as day over with. It’s easily a 7-8 day I feel it already. 8:06am- it's such an odd thing to sit with yourself sober. To really feel through your emotions hear your inner voice, confront your fears and distress. Life is such an emotional thing. A thing of feeling and acceptance. Honestly death will reach us all and none of this will matter. It'll all be a dream, a blip of time in the ever expanding universe and that leaves me with a sense of dread. A sense of urgency to experience life. If our spirits really do just keep coming back to the earth machine living different lives experiencing our karma our frequencies from our past lives and future selves. Is important to live in your highest frequency to get the most positive uplifting joyful experience. 9:14am- today feels emotional. I feel hurt and sad and lonely for some reason. I'm thinking of her but not really. I just feel empty and alone. It's odd, but I'm sitting with it. Also working on this Lexington law stuff. I want that check. 11:00am- so far the day is not so bad. I have a strange stagnant feeling inside me. I'm not feeling angry or hurt or sad. It's a odd feeling in my belly. I'm trying to identify it. And what's making me feel this way…on another note I think I know how I'm distribute my time and energy. When I work I'm going home to work on my art. YouTube and writing. On my days off I'm going to work on my house. The night before I'll do my grooming and cleaning. The day I'm off is good work projects. I know I wanna paint, I'm just not sure what color. I still got that big bucket of paint. But I'm use that for my office. Maybe the bathrooms. 2:00pm- I really look for anything or anyone to distract me from the inner work. From sitting with myself…this whole process is annoying. 2:44pm- I didn't know what it is. But it feels like something is sitting on my heart. I don't feel bad bad but I don't feel good either. 6:28pm- grieving the lost of the life I could've had. The lose of people I wanted in my life. The lose of my plan. But God got me and I gotta have faith in that. I gotta focused and strive. I gotta let God do his work and I do my work. Sacrifice. I've always known it. I'm just scared of it. 10:01pm- the time flies by way to fast for me. Definitely going to have to push my bedtime to 11. Which sucks because if I go to bed at 11 and wake up at 5:30 everyday that’s what…six and half hours of sleep to function off of. I mean it ain’t super bad but it aint all that good either. But I gotta do it to get things going. I need to be dropping videos and working on my art. I’m republish my books and work on my new book and fix my old books.