7:05am- I don't know, I hate that someone will say I'll love you always and then leave you. Say I wanna be with you forever and still walk away without a fight. An it's like well they said I wanna they didn't say I'm ganna. But because I care so much about words. I watch what I say to people. Because I don't wanna say something I don't mean. That's why when I get angry and say hurtful things. It's truths. I'm not just saying some random hurtful thing. I'm saying the thing I always wanted to say but didn't because I know it's mean. I just don't like the idea that people can come into your life. Hurt you and destroy you and then leave and go hurt someone else or leave and go be nice and happy with someone else. Like what the fuck is that. You know all my life I've been a open book. The type of person to tell people what I'm doing and who I am. An I get it, everyone ain't me. Everyone is who they are doing their thing experiencing life in their way. It just bothers me, sits on my heart as an annoyance.
7:30am- letting go is so hard for me. Letting go of people, letting go of physical things, letting go of memories. The thought of letting go is scary. It's like if you let it go it won't exist anymore. It won't be a thing anymore. It's like did it actually matter after you let it go? Did it even happen how you feel it happened? Is such a weird way to think about life. But it's like that's the reality, none of this really matters. None of it is as important as we think. The world will continue spinning no matter what. Life will continue going with or without you. Weather you're in pain or joyful. Life will move forward. An I don't know that hurts me. That makes me want to hold onto things onto people. Because they exist when you hold them. When you remember, when you give it thought. You give it life an life is beautiful. Life is…love I guess…this heartbreak really changed me. It really opened me up. It's like I want to love but I don't. I don't want to be bitter and angry but I can't be happy and joyful. I'm hopeful, hopefully I'll find love. Someone as into me as I am them. No more women who don't like me. No more people who want to play with their time and lives. No more hurt people, I'm fucking hurt and no one has and no one is willing to help me heal. So I gotta do it alone. Which means I don't want to be with someone who needs to heal. Do it alone like I'm doing it.
8:14am- it's looking like a eight o'clock day today. But when I get off I still wanna do some stuff. And I'm going to bed around 10:30. I'm make sure I take that magnesium so I can get that good quality sleep. And Tanvi wrote me back, I don't need a letter back when I write my people. But it's nice when they do.
9:12am- I can look back now and see where I could've been more gentle more loving more patient and understanding. I can remove my feelings and analyze my actions. I was good to her but I was to critical. She knows she's toxic knows she's negative knows she needs to eat healthy and exercise. Me saying it to her daily didn't help. Me pointing out what she already know doesn't help her love me more. I know she knows I'm the best man she's ever had. But I know she knows she's not willing to change and grow so she won't come back. Embarrassed ashamed and just overall stuck in her ways. She will not do what's best for her or her daughter. An I understand that now…but given the chance, I'll love with more patience and praise for the things done right. And I'm practice this way of loving on my kids.
9:56am- all of this realization and still yet I hope I never see or hear from her again. Because I know she's not going to change. An I know I'm not strong enough to deny her access to me. I'm not strong enough to stop her from hurting me all over again. Which is why I blocked her and her family. It's why I don't talk about her or let anyone talk about her to me. I gotta protect myself from evils of others.
1:49pm- I'm going into this new cycle of life with a brand new aura. I'm so ready to be my best self. My healed self, living, moving and existing in love. That girl really hurt me but I see I needed that to push me into the next evolution of Joseph Bristol. To truly change my ways and kill my old self. Kill my shadow self kill my ego impatient angry me. I needed to really get hurt to do this hard work needed.
3:12pm- why the fuck am I thinking about her. I understand thinking about her yesterday but today. I don't wanna fall back into this. I don't wanna go through the pain of losing her again. Cause I hate that I still think about her and I feel like she doesn't think about me. She doesn't give a fuck. She's talking to her new man getting fucked not caring about how she hurt me. How happy we could've been if she just did the work to be better. What an annoyance, I really don't wanna go through this shit again.
5:40pm- still at work. It's looking like a eight o'clock day. Than I'm get off and shoot to Walmart for groceries then the apartment to get my last bit of stuff. But I don't know why she's been on my heart today. That sadness hit me again today. That shit hurt man. But I didn't call or text anyone. I just sat with it. I just let it be…it's such an odd thing. Wanting to let go but knowing somewhere I don't. Even though I know Allah don't want her with me. He don't want me to settle. My life has done nothing but gotten better since I left her alone. But still I miss her, still I want her.
7:52pm- I'm now getting off and I'm tired honestly. So I think I'm skip Walmart and stopping at the apartment and go to Publix by the house to grab some stuff. Sunday I'm off so if anything I can simply do everything. Boys might not get to go to Dave and Buster's. But I want to take them because this will be the last time for a while. Next year I'm really going to live on a budget. I wanna buy my Tesla cash, I wanna pay off my debt and invest more into crypto and stock. I like to see those numbers go up. I wanna interior design the house. That'll take money, the curtains the rugs the sectional the TV mount the paint the wall paper. All these things will cost money. I gotta get things going. Stay busy, deal with my hurt, deal with my trauma and heal my inner child.
8:54pm- finally going home…I told myself I'm supposed to work on YouTube or my book when I get off work. Everyday I gotta do something. But I'm tired and annoyed. And I'm annoyed that I'm in my fucking feelings all damn day. Annoyed that I'm the only child helping my mother and she treated me the fucking worst growing up but God expects me to be kind to her. To keep helping her and making myself available to her. I'm annoyed that I called my kids to find out what they want to eat and they didn't answer the fucking phone. Annoyed that I have stable income money in the bank a car a fucking house and no God came wife who adores me and I adore her…I'm going to shower pray and go to bed. I need to emotionally restart cause I feel fucking agitated.
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