5:37am- I went to sleep without the magnesium last night and I'm up today a little tired. Like I don't feel tired but I feel tired. And I tossed an turned a bit last night. I might need new pillows. But yeah I feel tired…I think the magnesium gives me a deeper sleep. A higher quality rest. Ever since my watch broke I can't get heart rate monitoring or sleep tracking so I have no idea what's going on. But I feel tired this morning and I went to bed around Ten thirty or so. So I really shouldn't be tired. At least in my mind.
6:44am- sometimes I get angry at the thought that I'm so nice. I try to help everyone speak life into everyone, educate and uplift everyone I come across. People tell me I'm so nice and caring but it's like I don't get that in return. Even now, my boys need to go to the eye doctor and God don't give me a weekday off so I can take them. And he didn't put in that girl's heart to be good to me so we can be a family. In which case I'd have a wife right now that I could lean on. Instead I'm alone and forced to do everything alone. An it's like God what are you doing? Like don't you see that I need help. I need a partner. An it's like God is like fuck you you'll be ok here's a house and money. An it's like I need that yes thank you so much. But I need help, I need a partner, I need another person in my life. Whatever man, I hate complaining. I hate feeling ungrateful. I hate being alone.
7:30am- like I got a serious fucking problem. I see why God making sit with myself. What's wrong with me. I'm so ungrateful. I have a life that people beg for. People pray for my life. And I'm angry and sad. All over the past, over things that's already happen and can't be changed. It's like why can't I let it go. Why am I stuck on the past. I'm alive today, I'm alive now, I'm blessed now and those things are done. So why can't I let them go? Why can't I fully move on?
10:10am- it's going to be another long day. I thank God for the money.
12:44pm- God love changes us. Us showing love to people who hurt us or did us wrong changes them…you ain't gotta go out your way to show them love. But you should show love to them.
4:35pm- holy smokes I've been living in the anger and fear that she would move on to someone else and be good to them. Give them the love and affection I think I deserved from her. I've been living and moving in my ego pride anger and hurt. Yo man that's not love that's not right. I wanna live in love. I wanna live a life of giving people love. Giving people mercy and grace so my God can give me the same. Because I love God with all my heart. But if I love God, shouldn't I love his creations? Shouldn't I move and exist as a form of his love. OMG OMG OMG 😱 😳
6:41pm- just like that. I'm never going back to that apartment again. It feels good to close that chapter completely. I was going to empty it out but than I'm like. Fuck that…they can empty it. Damn maintenance don't do shit all day. I was thinking of going to get some kava but nah. I'm waiting until Sunday. Or happy hour and bring my laptop and try to do some writing.
8:10pm- yeah I'm thinking Dave & Buster's with my boys Sunday. So Saturday after work, stop get some kava and Sunday we get lunch at Dave and Buster's and get the paint stuff to start painting and picking colors.
9:52pm- damn I love having a house. Finish this laundry, take me a shower, and go to bed. Everyday after work. I'm either working on my house, working on my books, or making a YouTube video. Tomorrow after work I'm get the paint stuff and maybe hit the kava bar. Tuesday I'm write out my budget. And yeah man. God is good…love changes people. I'm keep showing my mom love, keep showing people God love for me. And I know what to pray for. I gotta pray God takes this anger from my heart. Kills my ego for me. And teaches me how to move and exist in his love. Because when my wife does appear to me. I wanna be able to love her securely and properly. Not from a anxious attachment style.
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