7:12am- family drama and problems are real. An they're annoying. But I love my sister and nephew and niece. An I pray God protects them from the evil of their heart and mind. What an annoyance. Like how when you got to pay for something that you didn't expect to pay for. But I'm grateful to God that I have the money. Tonight when I get off I'm going to home Depot to get more house stuff to get the house in order. 2025 I wanna have it fully designed and ready. If by my birthday I can have it done I'll be so happy. If by my birthday I can have my Tesla, house in order, physically in shape, inner child healed and most my goals accomplished. Man that'll be wild. I gotta get gas tonight as well. Tomorrow me and the boys going to Dave and Buster's to celebrate our house. I love being a dad. Love my son's.
7:52am- dude my legs are totally weak. They feel like jelly from those lunges I did last night. I'm actually ashamed that my legs are so weak. I seriously gotta take my exercise more serious. Stick to it and really push myself to make my body more healthy and more visibly appealing.
11:10am- I really would've liked to make a life with her.
11:30am- oh boy my mom is hurt and angry. My sister really hurt her with that crap she pulled. That's on Mom, she thought money would make my sister loyal but it didn't. It turned her into an obnoxious egotistical person. She created a monster and is now dealing with it. An you know I get it. She took years to accumulate her material goods. But it's like Mom, God is giving you a chance to restart your journey to open a new door to get out the fire of physical life.
12:49pm- I got a sudden feeling of fear and uncertainty. I legit get scared I'll see her again. Fear I'll bump into her and I'll get weak. I don't feel the need to reach out to her. Because I know she has to come to me. If her and I are meant she has to come to me. But I suddenly felt weakness and fear. It came out the blue. This is something to sit with. To process and understand what just triggered me.
1:20pm- sometimes I think do I still think about her and feel for her because I have a problem letting go? Or is it because God wants me to hold onto her as he prepares her and opens her mind and heart to realization that I'm what's best for her. It's like have I ever felt or been like this for anyone else? Am I just unhealed and my inner child longs for someone to sit with him? Like what's going on with me…it's something I think about.
1:56pm- the plan is the same. Get off work and go to home Depot to get house stuff and paint stuff. Tomorrow I think I'm still do Dave and Buster's and get on a strict budget after that…. Seriously I would've really liked to make a life with her. I know I keep saying it and gotta let it go. I keep hearing her words. “We don't have to be together" “I don't see a future with you" “I'll stop drinking when I find out I'm pregnant" “I'm talking to someone".... Man that girl really fucking hurt me.
2:22pm- my pride and ego are truly hurt by this girl. Because it's like God showed you how good your life can be. And you rather wallow in your pain and hurt. Like when Vanessa died I never got that. I never got a woman that came along and wanted to grow and heal with me. I never got somebody that was willing to help me be better. Who demanded better out of me. And It's like how could she not pick me up. But it's not a personal thing because she doesn't even pick herself. She doesn't even pick her child. She doesn't even pick God so how can she pick me but my ego is so bruised it's so hurt at just this situation. And so one of the big lessons that I'm getting from this is I have to learn to kill my ego my pride. I have to learn to kill my ego.
3:03pm- my ego genuinely got bruised. Because it's like I pushed so much to the bottom of my memory, the bottom of my heart. Ignored so much that happened to me just to move forward. And it's like sitting with myself right now, healing myself is truly hurtful. It's a painful process to deal with these feelings and memories. To accept my mistakes and forgive myself to forgive others for hurting me. To have understanding for the evils done to me. It's like I get it…I really do get it. So much of my pain is a ego thing. It's a who not me. Why not do it for me. All I do all I showed all I sacrificed all I gave. An yes it was because I wanted to. But it was also because I wanted her to love me. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel loved and desired and adored. An it's like that is ego.
4:15pm- I don't like a woman or person whose always angry and aggressive. An I don't like a woman who clubs and parties all the time or every week.
4:19pm- there is no distracting myself from this. Bi hiding from it anymore.
5:22pm- whatever lesson I needed to learn I feel like I learned it and God need to remove this woman from my heart and mind so I can move the fuck on. Because why the fuck am I still bothered and thinking of her. An I get it, my ego was hurt that my love wasn't enough to make her want to grow and be better. I get that lesson and I'm ready to move on. Like come on God.
5:32pm- here comes my mom calling to cry about my sister. Boy oh boy. This lady really not trying to hear nothing. She just wants to vent. Scream and yell in my ears. Oh boy…but she created this monster. She literally put this little girl on a pedestal. Than my niece and nephew carrying on causing my sister stress and problems. And I'm over here to heal my inner child and get over a girl who literally chewed up my heart shit it out and laughed about it. Boy oh boy, God can be rough sometimes.
6:17pm- going to home Depot now…it sucks my mother has to go through this. Especially your own daughter your favorite child doing you wrong. But I guess I'm the favorite child now. It's finally my turn 🙄. But it does suck…I pray my son's never hurt me like that. I try to be a good father. Teach them morals and to be upstanding people. I hope they see that regardless of my mother treating me like shit as a child. I'm an adult now and I care for her in her old age.
7:25pm- fucking hell I'm spending up money. But it's fine, I got the paint stuff got the yard lights. Got the water salt. Got everything I really needed except the damn lawn mower and weed Wacker. That's going to run me $500. Fucking hell man, but it's got to get bought. Plus I need the shed. Next day off I'm get that. But yeah I'm take my baby's to Dave and Buster's. We'll celebrate our new home our new life…damn it would've been nice to have a wife. Fucking Edith being so dumb. Ugh I wanted to marry her. She has always made me feel good when I see her. Even after all this hurt I still love her. I still want her. Fucking asshole woman. Whatever…so yeah tomorrow for lunch or dinner I think. For sure we'll by 4. I wanna be back home by 8 and it's a thirty minute drive there and back.
7:47pm- I think I'm shower and go to the kava bar. Go sit down and have a drink and just chill for a hour. I do think I'm start going there on the weekend to just get out the house. If the vibe is good I'll even bring my laptop and do some writing in there. I'm sure it's the same place E went and had a bad trip which means I'll probably never see her there. She probably went on a date when she went there. Whatever…but I'm shower and go check it out. Tomorrow morning I wake up early get the boys up. Put in my lawn lights, and I'm thinking about doing some painting for real. Dave and Buster's opens at 10am tomorrow. So I'm thinking we can probably go around eleven noon. And be back home around 2-3 then we can do our painting and chill for the rest of the day. But I'm ready to start getting the house customized. I took some paint color papers to really get a look at which color I wanna do the living room. I'm still thinking a soft greenish blue. My room I'm still thinking green and purple. Cause those my colors. With a flower wall paper to bring the two color togethers. But tomorrow when we paint I'm thinking we paint the boys bathroom, the laundry room, and my office. With the blue paint we currently have.
9:57pm- oh I'm bringing in new years here. This kava bar is awesome. It's a really chilled place. I can definitely bring my laptop and do some writing here. The kava does something to me. I'm not high but I'm not normal. I feel good…I really do miss her. And I'm still not over the life we could've had.
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