8:06am- single people want to be married and married people want to be single…I hate feeling this way. My children deserve a mother and I tried to give them that. But it's like God is like nah. So now it's like I'm just trying to focus on me. Love on me…figure me out…I'm seriously going through my shadows y'all. I'm seriously hurt about a lot of things. I'm trying to understand and figure out what I'm doing and what I'm going through. I hate feeling so lonely so empty inside. But it's like that's an internal thing, that's a me thing. Not something someone else can do. No one can be my all no one can be God no one can be my happiness.
10:13am- hate a woman with a man who always calling and texting me for advice and help. Like why you with a man that's dumb and can't help you? You might as well be my woman since I'm the man in your life guiding you.
10:27am- I'm about to take my babies to Dave and Buster's. Eleven to about two. Than we coming home to paint.
10:36am- I need to hit a car wash as well.
11:40am- I love my son's, I love being a dad. I love making them happy and building memories. I should go play with them. I think I will go…this girl literally uses me for motivation and to help her feel good and she got a man. I'm start ignoring her honestly. Cause it's like. I hate being friends with a woman I want to be romantic with. That's what Edith wanted me to do. Like girl you know I'm in love with you and you want me be your friend while you fuck other people. Yeah fuck you.
11:45am- this place needs more games. Better games, some VR headset games. I'm thinking about buying a VR headset. The Oculus.
2:44pm- that was a good day. A good time. Going home to paint now. I wanna get my house in order. Painting is the first big step.
5:09pm- I'm really proud of this painting job. We did the laundry room and the bathroom.
i never took before pictures. But the bathroom was all white. I really like this blue. Funny enough it's the same color as the outside of the house.5:43pm- I hope my wife comes along soon. Cause I really do wanna give my love to someone. An I've been thinking I want more kids. Two more kids would be nice. An I wanna get married. I wanna call someone my wife. My person. My external happiness…but whatever, God time is better than my time. But I'm happy about the painting. I gotta pick a color for the living room, fix the hole I made in the baby boys room then I can paint his room. Tomorrow my Google watch comes which has me a little excited. An I think I'm going to bring in the new year at the kava bar. It's a cool vibe of people. Mainly white people but that's ok. They usually have a mellow vibe. They said they'll have fireworks as well.
6:05pm- look at my lights I got from home Depot.
fuck I love having a house. God is good for real. 6:30pm- come January I'm going on a strict budget.
8:37pm- fucking random number keep calling me. And I feel like its Jessica. But whatever, she ain't talking which means she ain't trying to fix nothing. Cause it can't be Edith. She ain't going to call from a new York number. And she would legit say something. She would talk, Jessica is young and would play stupid games thinking I'm supposed to figure something out. Which is so fucking stupid. Whatever though…I'm watch this anime and go to bed. I'm having a great day and I ain't letting no one mess it up. I barely thought about anyone today. I'm healing my inner child sitting with myself. Haven't drank or smoked or had sex. I just been dealing with me and I'm keep it that way. Although I do want a wife 😭😭😭
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