9:54pm- ok seriously no more buying. I got my cameras I'm good now. Next year I'm not spending like I did this year. Tomorrow I need to write out this budget. I'm about to go to bed.
6:57am- God is really good, and with everything going pretty smooth and falling into place. I think and know I need to start focusing on my art more. Although everyday I am doing one of three things. It’s either fixing up my house to customize it, working on my youtube, or writing. But the house is kinda my main focus right now. Because I want to feel great when I get home. That’s really important to me, getting home and feeling really good about my space of living. Then I can focus on my art and youtube and get that on and popping. The first quarter of the year I’m focusing on fixing up the house and getting that right. The second quarter is for art and youtube. Third quarter is for visiting family and kinda a relax reset. Because I think I wanna go back to college. I think I wanna get my bachelors degree for real man. I really think I wanna change my career and I wanna start working on it now. Because I wanna make $100,000 a year by myself after taxes. Oh another thing I need to do is fix my ID so I can get the homestead tax exemption. I also need to work on jojo glasses. And Jan I’m go see a doc since I got health insurance. I wanna test my sperm, make sure my swimmers are still swimming. Because I’ve been feeling the want and need for another child. One or two more, but I think I wanna have kids. I wasn’t sure before but recently with the house and my boys and the breakup. I’ve got it on my mind and in my heart. I want me a family. An next year I wanna buy my tesla. 2025 I wanna do a lot. 2024 was a good year. Started off a little rough with E. was stagnant all year around nothing changing or growing. Then at the end of the year a HUGE change with breaking up with E and buying a house right after and getting custody of my baby boy. An 2025 I’m hoping my art takes off, I can get a better position or higher paying job, maybe meet a woman and start working towards a marriage and family. Get my health in complete control, as in build the body I desire, ensure my swimmers are swimming, an just keep up to date with my overall health. I’m excited and scared about this new life I’m living. I feel so different, everything is so different about me. My life is changing kinda fast and it scares me. This healing process is hurtful but I feel good about what I’m doing. Finally dealing with these fears that have controlled me for so long. Even talking to my mom has been helping me, because I don’t wanna be angry with her. An I get it she was a young girl living life and I forgive her. But it crosses my mind, I get triggered about things she did to me. How she treated me. Sometimes I catch myself reliving hurtful moments and I have to stop and hug that young boy. But yeah that’s apart of healing your inner child. A part of forgiving and letting go of the past. I’ve been slowly letting it go, learning not to hold onto things that have already happened.
7:35am- when I think of a relationship. I think of being with someone open to change. Open to growth. Open to learning. Learning to be better learning to love better learning to think better. I wanna be with someone who wants to grow and keep growing who understands human connection is important. Someone willing and wanting to be vulnerable and connect on a deeper level. This time alone is so important. It's not enough to just be alone. You have to do be doing work to heal and better your mind and heart. As I better myself I better the world. I heal my heart it heals the collective. We're all connected and bonded. I desire a love that is a act of worship to God. A love that inspires me to greatness. A love that kills my ego. A love to connects me with my higher self with my spiritual self. My spirit and soul in communication through the love and patience of another.
10:43am- why the fuck did this girl just go out of her way to tell me that she was at work yesterday. Why they had me off and made her work. Scheduling her on the days when I'm not there. An I'm like Selena why would you say that to me. Why would you call her my girl and bring this up to me. That shit made my heart drop. Made me feel some type of way. I'm trying to get over this girl and she literally brought her up to me unprovoked. What was that about God? Than I said she not my girl. She going to say I see y'all getting back together. Like what? Like why are you saying this to me. Why are you trying to hurt my feelings? I had to tell her, please don't bring her up to me anymore. That was very hurtful. Cause like why you did that. Is that a sign from God that she and I truly are meant for each other. That's why I haven't been able to let her go? But I ain't reaching out to her and I don't know how to unblock numbers once I delete the contact. So she would have to reach out to me to fix this. That's how I'll know she's actually ready to grow and change and be a wife instead of a hoe. That's the same thing with Jessica. We never worked because she didn't want to grow and change. She thought I would change and she stay the same. I'm sick of being with women who think they perfect and don't need growth but I must change. I must grow while they stay exactly the same and I should accept it. Nah I'm good. That part of my life is over.
11:15am- I pray that if she does come back as a test to see if I'm really ready for a new life a test to see if I've really changed and want better. I pray God gives me the discernment and strength do pass this test to pass it with flying colors to stay strong to keep on my path of self and betterment and self-healing. If she comes back different ready to grow ready to change ready to try. I'll give her the chance I'll help her on her journey I'll heal and grow together. But I don't want to hurt anymore. She really hurt me and I don't want that anymore. I want to grow and be better and live better and have better. I won't get distracted or let anyone destroy that for me.
11:33am- my new watch came, which got me happy. An I'm really proud of me. I handled that situation this morning really mature. I told her how her actions/words made me feel. I asked her not to do it again. And I moved on…that's so different from what I would've done a few months ago. I'm really beginning to fall in love with this stuff assured Joseph.
12:01pm- these are some of the books I've been listening to too help me do the healing and inner work.
1:35pm- so because my watch came, I'm going to make a YouTube short tonight unboxing the watch. I'm make a one month review video. Maybe even do some writing, because I don't think I need to do anything for the house. Other than the laundry room shelf. Which is something I need to go buy and put up. So I'll figure that out. I need to fix the hole in the baby boys wall as well. That pipe hasn't leaked at all. I also think I picked the living room colors. I could go and get the price of the paint. Things are going good, God is good. New years day I'm take Jojo for some new glasses frames since his lens keep dropping out the one he got now.
2:00pm- man I hate hearing my mother cry…my sister really hurt her. I wish I had more money to buy her back her things. I dislike how much she's hurt from losing all her things. But I couldn't get involved in that. She said she was giving her house to Thays when she died. That's why I didn't get involved. Because that's not fair to me, why would I get involved in a house she giving to her daughter. But look how her daughter hurt her so deep. Cut her deep…but I'm here. I'm here to help my mother. God helped me so I'll help her. Show my son's this is how you treat your parents this is how you show love. This is how you change people with love.
2:23pm- LMFAO OMG the ladies at the 7 eleven are funny. They like are you single, what kind of women you like? Had me dying…I sometimes forget I'm a good looking guy and women see me and want me. Which is nice and I like that. Because I wanna be with someone who wants me. I'm never going to pursue another woman again. Done chasing or going for women who don't like me. She gotta like me first then I can like her.
4:02pm- fucking hell I just realized Jessica brain ain't fully developed. Damn girl is 26 years old. Human brain don't fully develop until 27-28. Of course she'll play junkie games still. She really need to stop it though. Ain't no growth in that. Growth is what life is about.
4:43pm- one of the things I said I would work on but don't want to work on is looking people in the eyes. In the face. I don't like it because I actually look at them. I scan their face and study it.i don't wanna know what some of these people look like.
5:08pm- I really want a circular driveway. Before I buy my Tesla.
5:37pm- I see some of these big houses on my route and I'm like damn I need to get my bachelor's degree. I need to change careers. I want more money. I don't need a bigger house yet. But I want a Tesla and I wanna be able to take care of my mom and my wife (when I find her)
5:57pm- no matter how good you are to someone. They can easily not see your value. An no one is sitting around thinking about how they hurt you. I ain't perfect, but I definitely reflect on my actions. On the hurt I cause to others.
6:19pm- I have no clue what's going to happen in the future. But I know this can't be my last stop. I'm not supposed to retire from the post office. I can't do 30 years of this. I'm fix up my house so it feels even better going home. Than I'm going to really work on my art. My YouTube and books. Because once I'm making enough money on my stocks, and art I can quit this job. Or get my bachelor's degree in cyber security and work with computers from home. Or hell I'm still waiting for a response from the supervisor position in Vero. I might just get that position. Which would be such a blessing. Stable schedule, more money, more time with my kids, closer to my house. It's a overall win if I got that. I'm about to head back to the office and hopefully I can go home and not go back out too help.
6:52pm- they at crying about the hours about to be cut. How they sending people back to Orange Ave where their hours will most likely be cut. This is why I always save money and try to live below my means. So I'll always have some money put to the side to help me if I ever really need it. People spend spend spend and you single and you think oh yeah I'll make it back. No baby nothing in life is promised. Except death and taxes. This why people need to always be trying to better themselves or save and plan for the future. Or have a partner who actually wants to be your partner. Because life is easier when you have another person to lean on. As for me, they cut my hours I'm going to use that time to YouTube and write. Probably do some major tufting. Which I need to set up and get together. That's why I said no more major spending for me. Next major purchase is my Tesla, cause I ain't buying no one nothing for that birthday. And they ain't get me nothing. Those days are done. I'm so ready for this year coming. I'm really going to buckle down and focus on me. Hell in the summer I might go back to college…. Man I love to see a man with his woman and kids walking. I tried to do that with E. Go over there and me and her and baby girl go for a walk. An she was like no, I ain't in the mood to walk no where…she legit is a hurt person or she just didn't like me. One or the other…what a fucking life man. You show someone how good you are for them and they'll legit stay the same and push you away. It's not easy loving a broken damage person who doesn't want to heal. 2025 I don't want no broken women. No damage people in my life.
7:05pm- this the part women now adays not understanding.
7:26pm- fuck I love having a house. Pulling to my driveway 🥰😁😁😁 and one day if God blesses me I'm come home to my wife and new born baby and maybe even a toddler. If God chooses that path for me life.
9:09pm- I don't like this lady pulling me into her stuff. I don't like that shit at all. Especially when she dealing with men because she don't listen and she don't know how to handle people. That shit annoying as fuck and I don't wanna be involved. I don't like my mother involving me in her shit. She doesn't make good choices, everything is fast and easy. No actually desire to do hard work and that's apart of her downfall. But what type of son or person would I be to leave her in a position with people who could hurt her. I'll call her tomorrow and talk to her. Figure this crap out. It's annoying. I'm about to go to bed.
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