2:50am- I can't remember what the dream was about. But I was sleeping in the dream and I felt something approaching me as I slept. It held me down and began to whisper something. I'm not sure what. Maybe now I got you. I scowled up my face and darted my eyes around while they was still closed. It held my arms close to my body and I heard bells ring. I wanna say 3 times. As the bells rang I open my mouth and bite as hard as I can. Biting off something from the spirit. When the bells stopped I open my eyes and for a moment I couldn't move. I began to say a prayer before moving and grabbing my phone to write this... Allah watch over me, watch over my family. No demons or evil prayers can harm me and mine. I believe in the one true living God. My God has promised me as long as I believe and do good works. He will protect me from the Satan who whispers into the hearts of men and jinn alike. My Lord will protect me from the unseen as they wonder the earth. My God the God the only God the one true living God will protect me and my children and all members of my family from the evil hearts, thoughts, and tongues of those who plot against me. I fear no evil my God is with me. I rebuke any spirits that linger or watch from the shadows. You can not hurt me, for Allah has promised me in this life and the next. Greatness!!! Amen... I'm going back to sleep.
8:40am- God I really just want to get over this girl.
9:30am- going home to pack and move and go back to work at 2.
10:00am- I know it's God will that her and I didn't work. It's God will that she doesn't want to change and grow with me. I honestly get it and accept it. But it still hurts. I think sometimes why not God. But I hate why me type questions to God. Any type of why questions directed at God is ungrateful in my mind. It's like bro, who are you to question God. But it crosses my mind. Why couldn't she be the one for me? Why couldn't we make it work. Why doesn't she see my value and love me. Like why not do that God, you put it in her heart to not want me. So why didn't he put it in her heart to love me and make this work. Because I legit was ready to make it work... I also realized I have to talk in the paste tense in order to get over her. I used to love her, used to want things to work. Why didn't God put that in her like he put it in me. Ugh, I'm go drop off around stuff to the house and maybe even break down the beds when I go back home.
11:27am- I'm fixing up my house but I'm sad at the same time. I'm grateful and sad. I wish I could've shared this with a lover. Not just friends and family. But a actual life partner. I'm so grateful to God, but sad I not only did it alone. But will experience it alone. I loved mail, and wanted this with her.
12:51pm- time to head back to work. I turned my extra room into my office. Originally it was for mail mom if she wanted her to come live with us. Or for her if she didn't want to live in the house with me... I don't know, I feel some way. I'm trying to be happy and grateful. God is good though. I have faith. I really gotta brush this off. Hopefully today after work I can have everything out of that place. I still need to pack up the kitchen and kids beds. Than I'm done, until I remove the bed and couch. Which I'm try to do Tuesday. I need to see what day I'm off.
2:46pm- I'm doing whatever Allah deems for me. I wanted to start living in my house but Allah is like not yet. It's really started to look like I have to wait until Christmas break. Worst case I'm only leave the mattresses in the apartment and nothing else. I'm ready to go... I really dislike that mail isn't with me. How can I not be for her when I miss her so much. When I still want her so much... But she legit don't miss me or want me. An I can't hurt myself forcing her to see I'm the one. But it's like again. Allah why do you not show her, put it in her heart. Or take it from mine... Ugh... My job is killing my plans, but Allah knows best. This is his plan not mine.
3:34pm- the way I feel and carry on you'd think she broke up with me. But i actually broke up with her because of so many things. She legit doesn't deserve me. But still yet I want her. I hate this for me... But I'm stop talking about her. Instead I'll just say I don't feel good and sit with my thoughts internally, praying about it. No more voicing and crying online. If Allah willed it we would be married living in our house right now. Instead she's with a loser and I'm living in my house with me kids alone. 😭😭😭
5:53pm- I am genuinely sad... An I need to figure out what I'm do about this 6am working... I know tonight I'm going home, I don't wanna sleep in my apartment unless I HAVE to. I'm ready to set up my house.
6:36pm- I think I'll have them sleep on the blow up mattress. Either at the apartment and put they beds in the house. Or blow up at house beds at apartment until we leave. I wanted to talk to someone else about it. But that's apart of my codependency. Always asking others of their thoughts... I'm talk to the boys and see what they think. But I think blow up at apartment is better. I'm about to go to KFC for dinner... I really am sad. I don't want to be but it's there.
7:36pm- I'm seriously hurt... 😩
8:22pm- I just really don't understand this woman. She literally would rather live with her mom, club, go to bars, and fuck for fun. Instead of living a stable life and building wealth. A father for her daughter, stable home, a man to call her own who wants to marry her. Fuck man, it's so stupid to me. I have to let her go. I have to... I'm about to go back and get the boys bed.
9:00pm- it feels really good pulling up to my house. Just being inside. God I'm so grateful, I'm so happy I did it. I'm go to the restore for a coach before I buy a new one from Walmart. I need shelves as well. I need a stud finder and then I can put up shelves. Get this Internet going so I get make videos. I'm Mount my tv to the wall. Oh and I need to find my wifi mesh. I think Sunday i might still take the boys to Dave and Buster's. Or I might wait until Christmas break. I gotta check my budget to be sure.
9:40pm- car to small, I gotta go back. Bring one bed at a time. But the bed frame is going to be easy to dismantle. So boom we ain't going to have nothing in that apartment except my old bed, the blow up mattress and the coach I'm throw away. God I'm so grateful to have a house. A actual house 😁😁
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