I gotta let her go!!

5:15am- God is in control of my life now. I was supposed to go in at 6am but as I'm up getting ready she text me saying come in at 8 and run a route. I said ok and didn't get angry or feel no way. Especially since I just finished praying. Asking God to protect me from my flesh, from myself, from the evil of others, the evils of my mind and heart. An God has been MOVING in my life. Dude I'm scared and nervous about what's happening in my life and for the future. But it's like, God seriously got me and I have faith in that. If I die today I could feel good. My kids will get life insurance money, they'll inherit the house, they'll get my crypto. Like God is so good he's truly blessed me and filled my life and heart with joy. Down to love, I have great friends who care about me. Jewels, Mer, Tanvi, hell even Asia honestly. Than I have my family whose here for me. Tina, Areba, shakela, I am truly blessed to be surrounded by love. 

2:09pm- I got triggered this morning. They was talking about the Xmas party and I had to put in my head phones. That shit so hurtful how this girl acted. How she literally doesn't want to grow and become a better person. But no dwelling, let it go and move on with my life. I need to cut my hair and shave. I think Sunday I'm take my boys to Dave and Buster's since that's the day of the party. I really wish she would've changed with me. I wish she was with me now. But fuck her, the bitch is literally trash. Drinking riding new dick the next day after a break up. Found out she was cheating. Fucking dude while fucking me 🤢🤮 she still living with her mama ignoring her daughter. So yeah I deserve better, fuck her!!! Straight like that. And fuck her bum ass friends. 

5:54pm- I'm not bitter... I'm still hurt. Confused... Feeling some way. But I can't force it. Can't force her to love me. Even if I know I'm the best thing for her. I have to respect myself and respect my value. But all day I couldn't shake the feeling. I'm getting off soon and I'll pack to my car and keep it moving. Life goes on, this to shall pass. I'll love again and God willing she'll love me back and it'll be the greatest love of my life. Like I've never known love. That's what I pray for. 

7:08pm- let's go drop this stuff off. I actually need to do laundry. I'm put some clothes to wash as well. 

8:00pm- just one trip tonight. I'm going home to shower and go to bed. I'm tired and got work tomorrow. But tomorrow when I get off I'm take apart the bed frames. I'm put the kids in before school program and after school. And yeah man, start living in my house. I saw a nice teal that I think I'm going to make the living room color. Saw a nice flower pattern to put on the base boards. Yes yes yes. I'm ready to start on my house. It feels good when I pull into my driveway. This girl is so fucking corny. She really rather live with her mama and drink and fuck instead of be a real adult. Crazy part, I can literally afford my home alone without financial help from anyone. An it's like together we could've done BIG things. 

9:11pm- I was missing her today, I'm not bitter. I think deep inside me I still love her and want her to come back and grow with me. But I know she's not. I know she's trapped in her pain. An it's such a sad thing, but it's her life and I'm living mind... So I'm reading my book before bed and saw this and thought so fucking true. 

I'm letting God control my life moving forward. Ever since I stopped trying to control things. God has been so good to me. He's been leading me and comforting me and showing me he's protecting me and helping me. An I'm on the journey, I'm scared, but I'm not stopping and I'm not looking back.