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6:00am- yesterday was seriously rough for me. I'm praying today is a better emotional day. Because yesterday I was ready to numb the pain. Ready to smoke or hit up a chick and see what's good. Like this whole journey of betterment is for the purpose of feeling better. To conquer my insecurities and free myself from this fear of being alone. To figure out why I keep picking women who don't like me. Why I keep involving myself with hood chicks who literally don't want a better life. Why do I keep trying to save women who live shit lives and don't want to be saved. That's the point of this journey…but if I'm just miss this girl and feel bad all day because of it. I might as well have sex with the 2-3 people hitting my phone asking me. Might as well drink occasionally and smoke and just chill and enjoy the numbness…I avoided it because I felt bad doing it. But I feel bad doing this as well. So it's like what the fuck. An this feeling bad really fucking hurts. Like A LOT!! Let me get ready for work and get this day done. Today I wanna try to focus on gratitude and deep breaths if I get emotional. 

6:47am- maybe that's what the lesson is. Learning to focus my mind back on me. I get to thinking about her and how she moved on so fast. How are played me for a whole year and pretended and how she just jumped on another dick. But it's like bro…you're healing you're fixing you. Who cares what she does. Bitch might get AIDS because she let every dude fuck her raw. That's on her. You gotta focus on you. You gotta bring your mind back around to you. What do you need to do. What do you need to figure out. What do you need to solve. So today that's the move. Gratitude and bring it back to me. Bring it back to my healing journey back to my trying to be better for me. For my son's. For my soul. I wanna be a good father. I wanna be a good person. I wanna be the best version of Joseph there is in the multiverse. I wanna be the person I see in my mind when I think of me. An that requires passion, pain, and persistence. It requires me to focus on me. 

7:17am- it's like the whole point of being better is to earn a good death. To earn my reward for the next life. To earn a reward in this life. It's like, death comes for us. An I want my death to be worth something. My death to reflect the life I strived to live. This shit really hurt me to my core. It brought me back to reality. Back to understanding that I'm actually alive. That my existence means more than just being alive. It means more than just myself. An that means something. That means a lot…I'm more than just a person existing for my own selfish needs and wants. I'm a tool for Gods greater purpose. My suffering is for the love of God…I'm hurt but there is purpose in this hurt. That's the idea, it has a real purpose. 

7:40am-sometimes well most the time almost all the time. I feel guilty, I feel angry with myself. Because I know she acted and acts the way she does because she's hurt. She has a deep pain inside her. And she either doesn't want to heal or doesn't know how or refuses. An that's why she pushes people away. It's why she stays stagnant in the same place in life. Doing the same shit…these people be hurt. And I come along wanting to carry their hurt. Wanting to cure them if their hurt. Thinking that'll make them love me. But that's not how it works. And I still get angry about it. I wanna lash out. That's not right though. She's hurt and hurt me but I can heal. I don't have to be hurt and go hurt someone else. I can be better. Because I am better. 

11:07am- something I'm start doing. Anytime I think of her I'm going to think about what I could've done better. I'm stop thinking about how she trapped in her cycle of pain and sorrow and she chose that comfort over the hard work of healing and being in a healthy relationship with me …what can I learn what can I do better. So when I get a healthy partner if I see they get hurt how can I help them heal themselves. 

11:44am- I'm doing good with my Spanish lessons. 

i feel like I know more Spanish. I really wanna practice and get good. I wanna speak it fluently. But that takes time. I'm learning though. Consistency is the key. Sticking to it. 

12:06pm- I really do hurt for my sons. They grew up without a mother. I grew up with an abusive mother. They never got to know the love of a mom. An I've been trying so hard to find someone to settle down with. An it's like God is like no nope no you can't have it. They can't have it. An that hurts my heart. 

12:28pm- I pray I meet a woman who will be a great mom to my son's. A woman that God willing I can have kid(s) with. A woman I can pray with. A woman willing and wanting to go through the hardships of life with me. 

1:18pm-that girl said “didn't you use to date a girl we work with? What's her name?" I said her name and she goes “oh nah, you ain't over her." I almost died…cause how can you tell from me just saying the girl name 😂🤣😂 this shit crazy.

2:38pm- what I felt for her what I felt when I saw her what I feel now that I'm not with her. I've literally never felt this. This shit still hurts. An it's like why? For what? 

3:13pm- whatever God wants to happen. Will happen. 

4:45pm- I don't know why this pain came back up. I don't know why she's on my mind again. Why I'm back hurting over her. I was good for a few days and boom out of nowhere…the pain and sorrow is back.

5:09pm- I think tomorrow I'm take my kids to see Sonic 3.

5:36pm- I asked God to help make sure I make $2k or better all this month. To ensure I can pay my bills without stressing. An God been doing it for me. I asked God to heal that woman and make her see I'm the one for her. And he got her sucking another man's dick 😭😭😭😭 

6:33pm- I just wanna be madly in love with someone madly in love with me. Publicly love them and express myself. We have lots of sex. Maybe a kid(s) buy more property and build our wealth. And we retire and travel the world at 45-50 until we die. I just want a life partner. Someone to go through the ups and downs with. To lean on when times get hard. To pray with. Someone to rub my back and say it'll all be ok when I'm stressed out. I really don't understand why God won't give me that. I am so scared of what's happening in my life right now. Because I'm confused and I don't know what's happening. Ugh…I'm going back to the office and hopefully I can go home. I'm ready to go home. 

7:19pm- I feel so good being home. OMG I love having a house…I gotta force myself to do all that things I'm supposed to do. I got home and all I wanna do is shower and lay down. But it's like nah man, that ain't bringing us closer to the life we want to live. We gotta push past how we feeling and make it happen. I think tomorrow I'm buy a shed…$500 or less…I'm measure it out. I was going to put like a mesh area back here. But instead I'm buy a good size shed and put it right there. I Can move the bricks so the shed sits directly on it. The room will run perpendicular to the back door. Because I got to much stuff in the laundry room and I don't like that. 

8:20pm- people always hurt and embarrassed when you expose them. Well why did you do that or say that if you didn't want anyone to know? Cause it's NOTHING I DO OR SAY that I won't expose. I'm a grown ass man. I said it and I did it. The fuck you going to do to me? Bitches cheat and embarrassed you told people you told. Hoe shit her pants and embarrassed you used her as an example. Man eat my ass I say what I want when I want how I want. Stand on what you do and say. Or don't do it. Fucking losers!!!