7:54am- she was so negative. The woman never gave me a compliment but insulted me all the time. I remember we went to the beach at night and she was like all I can see is your teeth you so black…and it's like why say that? As I think about it now. All my life people insult me on my skin tone. Always reminding me I'm a dark skin person. Darker than most people, an it's like. You're my girlfriend. Why are you insulting me. Jessica was telling me about how she went to the beach yesterday and that triggered the memory. E really is hurt. On the inside she's got some serious pain and trauma and it manifest by insulting and hurting others. She really did try to push me away in the beginning but I stayed and kept trying to show her. You deserve love, you can be loved, I'll love you. But it's her lack of trying lack of wanting to grow that made me really walk away. I pray she's healing…because I would marry her if she healed tries to heal or is in the process of healing. We all fighting demons fighting our past. Trying our best.
8:16am- I'm talking to Jess and I don't know. I be thinking about E. I think it's because I think/know Jessica likes me.
but I'm not over E and honestly I want her back. But her just saying how good a friend I am. Reminds me that I am the person I think I am. I am the person I try to be. I try to be a good person. Help where I can, do what I can to improve other people lives. I love the girl and she's hurt. That's why she couldn't see my value. But her being hurt isn't reason for me to hurt myself I gotta stay me and pray for her. Because I am who I think I am. I'm a good friend, a good lover, a good father and EVERYDAY I try to be better. An that means something. That matters.
11:39am- is about to be movie time. I love my life…damn Jojo giving me problems mowing the lawn. And the damn battery die to fast on the mower. So I gotta get a third battery. I gotta figure out building this shed as well. Fuck I want a wife. I'm grateful for everything. Happy for all I have. But fuck I wanna have a wife to enjoy life with. But I'm so grateful. God is good to me. God is good. God is good.
12:00pm- so we're late. But whatever…and I need to be more grateful. I think I wanna focus on that more. It does hurt me my kids are growing up without a mom. An it hurts me I don't have the romantic love of a woman. An it hurts me I have to go through the trials and tribulations of life without tender love and care of someone who desires my happiness and peace. But hey, that's God will. An I have to be thankful. Because I believe everything happens for a reason. Life is happening for me. Not to me. Even if I feel sad about it.
2:09pm- I been so focused on the bad. But me and her had really good moments. That's the part I want back. That's the parts I miss. When she was showing affection and love. It was good. When she was not moving from a place of hurt. I could feel and see her love for me. I do miss that. I pray she's healing. Pray she's ok. Sonic hedgehog 3 was good. It's a movie about choices.
3:08pm- when I go to use my drill I think of her. Because she bought me the drill. An it's like I wonder if she thinks of me when she sees the things I bought her. The jewelry, the jewelry box(if she still has it) the perfume, her daughter tablet and all the other things. I wonder if she thinks of me and longs for me how I long for her. How I miss the moments of peace and love that we shared. I really do pray she heals. Because we could've been such a happy family.
6:22pm- I was not in the mood but I did some filming…this quarter I'm focused on my house and YouTube. But I think the house is going to become a background thing I do all year. Not just because I'm sad when I do certain things (because I always wanted to do it with a wife) but because I wanna focus more on my books and YouTube. I'm change my videos from every other day to every two days. This way I can schedule my videos. I wanna drop a video consistently. But also as soon as I make them I wanna upload them. Because YouTube isn't really to make money. It's more about getting my ideas and message out there. Speaking my truths and ideas to find people who feel and think like me. My blog is for me to speak my truths. To say all the things I want to say but don't say. But I can say I said it to someone. Today was a little emotional for me. I pushed through it though. Pushed past it to keep going. The sadness inside me has to go away eventually…I hope.
7:06pm- I keep reminding myself I had to break up with her. I had to choose me. She wasn't ready to grow up. She wasn't ready to be a woman. I had to leave her or I would've been miserable. Stuck in the same position in life. I had to leave her. It hurts so bad, I miss having a person. Having sex…but I had to leave her. I have to keep growing. I have to leave my old life behind.
7:24pm- I was going to ask her to marry me on my birthday. I didn't because I looked at my life and it was the same from when I met her. She didn't wanna buy a house together. Didn't wanna plan a future…I'm so stupid. She is never coming back. Never going to grow and become the person I need and want. I have to let her go. Let go of the potential. Let go of the hope and desire…I just can't figure out how…I'm supposed to just suffer through this? Just hurt until it doesn't hurt anymore. What a cruel way of existing. While she goes on fucking and sucking like I didn't give her all the love and affection she ever prayed for. Like I ain't the best man she's ever had…ugh I'm hurt. I'm still angry.
7:45pm- this is easily one of my favorite parts of my house. 
I'm going to fill this wall with pictures of the people I love and cherish. Mainly me and my kids and Vanessa. And of course Tina.
I'm going to fill this wall with pictures of the people I love and cherish. Mainly me and my kids and Vanessa. And of course Tina. 8:00pm- I really don't understand why breaking up with her hurts so much. Why I can't get over her. Why I care so much. I literally have NEVER felt this way after leaving a woman alone. An I've had WAY better girlfriends. Way better sex. Better looking women. But I've never an I mean never. Looked at a woman and felt what I felt when I looked at her. My insides feel warm when I think of how good it feels to look at her. She's so stupid.... Dinner is done, video is filmed and uploaded. I'm going to bed. I was productive. This week I'll mail out my cards for the people I care about. No matter how I feel I'm going to push to do my art. Because even when I'm in a relationship again (God please let me find someone and get married and spend the rest of my life with them) I want to still do my art. Still focus on me and my stuff. This really sucks y'all. I hope y'all pray for me daily. Good prayers to, don't be praying for my downfall dirty bitch!
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