7:30am- I'm tired but not crazy tired…I'm not as scared and nervous about Monday. I mean I still feel the feeling inside me. The fear of seeing her. Hell what if she's pregnant. Pregnant for this guy who is less than me. But than again it's like bro. She would've made you a baby daddy. An I NEVER want to be that. I married Vanessa. She got pregnant and we got married. I don't want a baby mama I want a family…ugh I guess I'm not fully over her. Over what we shared. What we could've been. I seriously want to be over it. But inside I feel the sadness…on another note I'm contact IRSC to see about getting this bachelor's degree. It's like without a spouse I feel like fuck it. I'll keep building my life. With a partner I'm keep building but not in the same way or same speed. God really is controlling my life. There are so many signs. An that makes me happy but sad. Sad because he made me go through this pain. Sad because he made my spirit long for a woman who didn't love me or want me but pretended to. Sad because he didn't make her change and grow so we could be together. But I'm happy that God is guiding my life guiding my actions guiding me in a specific direction. I hope he really is preparing my wife for me.
12:56pm- just because someone isn't changing fast. Doesn't mean they're not changing. I'm still hurt, still sad, still longing…I'm scared about Monday. But it's God's will. This life I'm living is God's will. If she's there I'm going to hurt. It's going to hurt.
4:22pm- self love is self acceptance.
5:10pm- man I feel scared and nervous. Like I legit am worried and fearful. But I understand she doesn't want me. She doesn't want what I want out of life. She doesn't want to grow and go through life with me. She's changing at her pace. I'm just scared of the unknown. Will she try to talk to me?(No) Will she look at me? (I don't know because I'm not going to look at her)... Maybe I need this to fully get over her. No matter what this is God will. This is God doing…honestly I hope she's off or calls out. I really do hate how scared I feel.
6:48pm- it feels good to get home. But yeah I gotta get a bigger water heater. Jophiel wanna shower and so do I. But with a 40 gallon tank we only going to get 15 mins each of hot water.
8:58pm- I really dislike how I feel about this. How I feel nervous and scared. Fucking girl is trash and don't want shit out of life. Literally chooses to live with her mom and hit clubs in her mid 30s and I'm in my 30s with a house money in the bank and investments. Like she's beneath me. But still yet I want her. Still yet I yearn for her …so what's wrong with me? Why am I scared to see her? Why am I nervous she won't care? Why do I even care? I want a better life. She doesn't so I have to leave her behind. I have to keep going. I have to give myself the time and energy I deserve to build my life. If I had a woman who spoke life into me that's different. A woman whose cup was over flowing and she gave me her extra. But I don't have that. So I gotta pour into me…I'm fill out this FAFSA form. I think I wanna take a class or two. I wanna work on my books. I wanna keep making my videos. I wanna make my house as comfortable as possible. God wouldn't give me this hurt if he didn't think I could handle it. I feel like I can't handle it but I'm doing it....I'm scared I'm still hurt and I feel so lonely. I still feel angry at her and myself. An still yet I still want her. But I won't look at her or say a word to her. Because if I let her back into my life. She'll only bring me down like she was doing before. She won't give me compliments, won't encourage me, won't speak life into me, won't help me. She'll just drink, club, party, insult me, and go fuck other men. I deserve better! I want better! I need better!!
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