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6:44am- I know I'm getting better with my insecurities because I feel them triggered and I can sit with it. I can talk to myself and understand better what is triggering me. why it's triggering and talk myself down that ledge of anger and hurt. that desire to lash out and jump over board into the sea of emotions. I've been more able to think my thoughts and let them past. Think of someone or something and feel some way about it and move forward. move through the emotion, through the memeory without a complete melt down. I'm still hurt and scared but I'm able to deal with it better. able to sit with it better and make more logic of it. God has been protecting me from myself. Some days I feel so weak, ready to break and just go sleep with these women and smoke a joint. but than I talk myself out of it, or someone calls me and starts talking about something spiritual or needed and wanting my help, or I literally hear my spirit saying no lets not. get off that app, get off that website, stop texting that person. an it's like that's God protecting me from me. It's like my cousin said to me yesterday. "God is telling you to wait, I'm preparing your wife for you. Preparing you for her. and I'm just screaming I'm tired of waiting lord. Just give me trash, give me the trash women because I don't wanna be alone anymore." my cousin keeps saying use this time to seriously focus on you and focus on your goals. An it's like damn that's hard, an why God can't give me a woman who would pour into me. a woman who would add to my life by motivating and talking life into me as I talk life into her and add to her life. but that's not my story, that's not my destiny. an honestly like I been saying, that shit hurts me. that hurts my feelings and makes me sad. because I talk life into everyone I meet, I talk positive to everyone, I help everyone everywhere I can. An it's like why can't I get a woman like that? a helpmate who is actually a helpmate and wants to be a helpmate. why I keep getting trash, but than again it's like that's a reflection of how I feel about me deep inside. for so long i've been so angry with myself. I didn't really think I deserved to be happy. I didn't really think I deserved love and respect and kindness and a woman who truly wanted me. For a long time I felt like I had to prove that I'm the guy. prove my value and worth to people around me. prove that i'm the best for someone. an all this time it's like no. no. no. Someone will come along and see who you are and what you have and what you can offer and they'll desire that badly. they'll look at you and say I wanna be with him. I wanna be apart of his life. I wanna be the one who he calls and desires. I wanna be the woman he needs and want. an she'll just be that without having to change. an if she does change it'll be because she wants to change. she wants to be better. she wants to grow and prosper in this world in this life and she'll want to do it with me...with all that said, I'm changing my focus. I'm going to focus on the house but that's a secondary thing all year. because I'm have to spend more money than I expected. I need a new water heater. a 65-80 gallon and that's gotta be installed which ain't going to be cheap. I need a shed floor built and installed. I need to fix the wall in Jophiel room. an after all of those things. then I'll look into the circular driveway and the tesla. ultimately I got a lot of things I need to focus on and do. Feb I'm going to look into doing my taxes. this month the main focuse is to get the house in order in the sense of get all the papers and crap off the ground. my room is still a mess and needs to be organized. the living room needs to be organized or at least finish being organized. so yeah I got a lot of work a lot of things to do. but I also need to carve out time to work on my books. that's important. I think I'm focus on that first quarter of the year. second quarter and third i push for sales and fourth quarter I write another book or drop another one. this year I wanna drop two books and moving forward maybe drop one book a year. I gotta figure out how I can get my stories out into the world.

7:49am- I have so many things to do with the house.

1:18pn- I'm getting off late today. I want the money. I got things to do. But tonight I'm going home to edit my video…Monday I have to work and I think I'm going to end up having to work with her. I just won't look at her and I'm have my headphones in so I don't have to hear her either. I know she doesn't care and never did. It's kinda me fault for trying to force something. But I'm sick of eating trash. Sick of trash women. I want better and deserve better. 

2:07pm- I felt nervous and scared. But now it's like bro…you didn't lose Edith. She lost you. That girl is living in hurt stuck in the same position in life. Dude look how your life has improved. You got a house, money in the bank, investments, looking good physically. She lost a good man. A father for her daughter. Just so she can drink and eat different dudes dick. So yeah Monday if she's there. Fuck her and I'm keep it moving. Cause baby. I AM THE PRIZE!!!! I'm D@T GUY not that guy. 

3:49pm- I just realized I'm still hurt she didn't pick me over her hurt.

4:10pm- I thought I wasn't. But I am…I'm still hurt. My ego is still bruised.

5:01pm- I just been blaming her and blaming her and blaming her. Like I didn't do anything. An in reality she spoke her truth many times. Said she felt I was moving to fast. She felt I wanted all is her time. She said I made her feel like she wasn't good enough…I could've loved her better. It maybe wouldn't have changed the outcome of all this. But I could've tried…I don't have to talk to her. But if she's there on Monday. It is what it is…I'm hurt but I get it now …I could've and should've asked more questions. Tried to talk more about what I could've done to love her how she needed and wanted. It's just something I thought about. I'm listening to this book. 

It's really good so far.

6:19pm- it's like as soon as I start to feel better. I begin to learn something new about myself. A new insecurity or fear revealed or I get a deeper insight into one of the ones I already understand. Like my desire to be needed is a fear that I'm not enough. A fear that I'm not worthy of love unless I can be useful…man this inner work is a life long thing. The constant need for growth and betterment is not a easy road. It really does take special mindset to have a growth mindset. To constantly be trying to improve and better yourself your situation and the lives of those around you. Monday is the day I see how much have I grown. How will I handle this trigger. I know she doesn't care. I know she's moved on. But it's like…I haven't physically seen her in months. And I may finally have to see her. An it's going to hurt because I know she didn't and doesn't care. That she'll not even try to say anything or fix anything but will talk with everyone else. I'm anticipating the hurt. An that sucks…but maybe this is what I need. Well clearly it's God will. It's what he wants for my life. 

10:44pm- I feel impatient and the sadness and hurt has been creeping into my heart. But I did do my editing. I'm about to shower and go to bed. I'm proud of myself. I'm staying consistent with my words. I deserve a reward. I've come so far since I left her alone. Sucks she couldn't talk life into me. She couldn't be a positive reminder. We couldn't grow together…I'm have to focus on my writing as well.