6:51am- I feel anxious…nervous …I feel my emotions bubbling up. Wanting to flow out of me. They offered me to go into work today. An I would've but it's like nah. I got things to do. To handle…I need to film today after the doc. I also need to call for Jophiel teeth and handle that. Go to the post office to forward my mail as well. I got things to do. But I think after I drop the kids I'm go get some coffee and potato wedges from Wendy's.
7:26am- I really do feel emotional today. I'm sitting with it, but I don't know why. I'm go get some coffee and head home and see about life.
8:14am- drank some coffee with ashwagandha.
9:46am- that was quick and fast. $186 every two weeks out my check for a ten minute visit for a guy to tell me I'm overall healthy. An now I go to get my blood drawn and he says they can probably do the sperm count and testosterone check.
10:29am- I really don't like waiting rooms. A bunch of people sitting in a small area breathing in each other's oxygen and carbon monoxide. Like fuck man…I should've worn a mask.
12:58pm- why did I think they would check my semen through my urine…I could've given the sample today but I'm not in the mood. So I'm jerk off this week into the jar and drop it off Friday. I was thinking of seeing Tina but I'm like nah fuck that. It's my long weekend I'm just stay home. Or maybe I will go see her. I haven't decided, I have until Thursday.
2:11pm- fuck it I turned in my swimmers. Let's see what happens. I'm find out soon enough what's going on with my body. Man I gotta go get Jojo now. Which is fine because I did a lot today. I filmed today as well. Made a reel to real, I need to edit and upload it for Saturday. And Sunday I'll do more filming for the JB show. But yeah I'm getting things done. Feeling good…I miss my damn Edith. I wish she wasn't hurt, I pray she heals and comes back. But if not than that's fine. I ain't stopping my life. If I see or meet someone I'm move on. I just don't want to because I want her. But she don't want me. So it's like why wait and see. But I'm not willing to settle and I'm not chasing no woman. I only want to talk to women who make it obvious that they like me and want me. Like I'm pretty sure shorty who work close to me want me. But she be fronting like she don't. But come over and talk to me daily. An other lil lady makes it clear she wants me. But she's like “I think you still want your ex and I'm not fucking with you. But if you over her, I'm fucking with you." An they both nice, both got two kids, but I don't know. I don't think I'm ready. Because honestly, I think I am still wanting my ex. I still only want her, everyday I'm still choosing her as my partner. Although the fucking whore is letting another man fuck her 😡🤬 or maybe she's not. Maybe she's celibate just like me. I shouldn't think so negative.
2:37pm- fucking bitch is over me…I gotta move on seriously. I don't know why I thought she might come back. I gotta move on.
2:41pm-i thought I saw her car earlier. Called Maria to find out if she at work. Maria not at work and says she not at work today. Ugh I fucking hate that I'm not over her. Fuck man, I wanna move on with my life. I can't believe my heart dropped when I saw that car. I still feel sad and hurt at the thought of her. I wanna move on with my life.
3:20pm- fuck I gotta get over her.
6:25pm- man feeling through this really is hurtful and bothersome. No matter what I feel I try to stay focused. I push through my feelings and do what I gotta do. It's not easy at all. But I'm going to keep going. Keep pushing forward. Sometimes I wonder if she ever really thinks of me. If she processes her feelings for me and what we had. But it's like who cares, she doesn't care, she doesn't love me. I genuinely have to move on. I'm going to start seriously trying to stop thinking about her. An longing for her. I gotta let her go.
7:00pm- I really think about why I’m so bothered by this breakup. Like I had to let her go. She didn’t and doesn’t want what I want. An it’s like if I stayed with her I would be miserable. She would’ve held me back from becoming the person I want to be. I want to be a better person and better human. An she wants to stay the same. I had to let her go. But I think about what Mer said about it. An it’s right…she was the first girl I really tried to be with. Like I really did give it a MAJOR effort. She’s the first girl I tried to be with after Vanessa without the lust in my heart. Like when I saw her when I think of her. It’s not sexual. It’s more like a lifetime connection. More like wanting her to be my wife. An it didn’t work out because she only saw me as a sexual thing. Someone to have sex with and distract her from healing herself. I don’t want to live in pain, live in hurt. Exist in this pain…I want to move through the world in love. Move through the world in hopeful love and giving love and offering love. One day I’ll wake up and be completely over her and move forward with my life completely and she’ll be a memory of a life I used to live. A life that was and is beneath me.
7:17pm- The universe, God has given me everything I need and want in this life. God has something for me. This hurt and pain is for a reason. I’m supposed to learn something. An I pray the lord gives me the strength to learn what I’m supposed too so I can move forward and live the life I’m supposed to live.
8:00pm- it's my ego. My ego is bruised and needs to die. That's why I'm so hurt. Why I keep feeling hurt. Why the hurt keeps coming back.
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