😶‍🌫️🫥🫤😶🙃

5:42am- who am I if i’m not this person I crafted myself to be. This person I worked so hard to create and maintain….that is the ego. That is my ego. That is the person that’s hurt. This persona that I created to protect myself from the reality of the world. The reality of my existence. That nothing matters that I don’t matter. That in the end the world will spin with or without me. That when I die I will be dead longer than I was ever alive. That I am everything and nothing at all. Simply the art of the nothingness. Like the beautiful designs in the sand when the tide pushes and pulls on it. The ego was created to give me a sense of self. A sense of purpose. A sense of individuality. Who am I when I stop trying to be someone that others will value and see worthy of being seen. I have lived in my ego all my life, always trying to have more, get more, be more. Always trying to be seen to be valued to be noticed to be different to be better. Today I’m going to sit with these thoughts…who am I? What am I? How have I allowed my ego to control me? How can I control it better? Because it makes sense, the ego is the part of us that tells us who we are. It’s the part that says I am blah. An they can’t treat me that way…I have blah, and have done blah, I am blah…an that’s the part of us that limits who we are, who we can become. It limits us because it says you’re this way and you’re good. So why become someone else, why do something else. You’ve been this person and have gained so much so why not continue as this person and you will continue to gain in this way. But to change, to become a new person, to develop a new ego…that is the beauty of life, you can become anyone you want at any moment. You can change, you can be different. It will hurt but you can. So you might think, well just because I can doesn’t mean I should. An it’s like yes thats true, but because you can does mean you should. Because why not? Because why would the option to be better to be different be there if it was not meant for you to explore it. My ego is bruised, this facade I created is bruised. I’ve spent so many years creating it, molding it, honing it to be the perfect defense against poverty, ignorance, ugliness…an still yet I have become those things…poor and lacking mindset, ignorance to the power of my ego, ugliness in how much my emotions and ego control my thoughts and words. I have to kill this person, kill this ego. Tear down the walls I’ve created for myself. The personality I created to guard me against the reality of my existence. 

6:20am- the thought of ordering some coconut water for her for valentines day. Have it delivered to her house. Because I know she really likes it. An it’s good for her. I thought about it, but it’s like why would I do it? What’s the purpose? Am I doing it out of kindness and love because I know she likes it and it would make her happy an I want to make her happy. Or is it an attempt for me to get her love back? What is the purpose? I could order it and she would not know who ordered it for her. Maybe she would text me thank you and I wouldn’t respond. I would just read it and not respond. Because she would only be reaching out because I got it for her. An that’s not what I want. I want her to reach out to me because she desires me and wants to connect. It’s just like Jessica (21) I know it’s her calling me but she won’t say anything when I pick up. And she won’t respond to my text when I text her. So I just let her call and don’t say anything. My desire is deep now, I have changed so much and I continue to change. I continue to grow and become this new person. Who I am becoming I don’t know, but it’s not a destination. It’s a journey. Like going for a walk to nowhere. You just keep walking…I thought about letting everything go. Letting go of youtube, letting go writing and everything. Just living, doing what I want and not trying to feed my ego. Not trying to feed this persona I’ve created. I’m not sure how that would look. How to become a nobody, a person of nothing. An existence….but one thing I know for sure, is that it’s my ego. That’s my problem, it’s my ego.

1:38pm- well my cholesterol is high. And my testosterone is high and good. Which means my sperm will probably be great. But overall I'm in good healthy condition. I bought a workout bike and I'm going to start riding everyday. Probably every morning. Along with meditation. But I'm in good healthy condition…my ultimate desire in this life is to be my best self. To live up to my fullest potential. But also to love someone and be loved in return to the fullest. To utmost of our capabilities. I want someone devoted to me as I am devoted to them. We would grow and existence the ups and downs of life together. 

2:35pm- I've really always felt like I wasn't enough. Still even now look at me. I was scared to buy the house because I felt I needed a partner. I don't want to heal alone because I don't want to be alone. I've spent my life looking for external validation. Looking to be understood. To be desired. This change. It hurts, it really does hurt me. But I needed it. 

5:41pm- I saw this. 

and it's how I'm feeling. I want to understand my spirit and live to be my fullest self. I want to be my best self. I want to fulfill my spirit so I don't get reincarnated. I'm ready to move on to the next form of existence. I'm tired of this... Than I saw this. 

and it's exactly what I want. I want to love a woman who fully and utterly loves me. I'm all in and she's all in. We're just obsessed with each other. 

6:18pm- I really want better people in my life. This girl is trash. But I need her for the kids. An it's like bro just change their school and cut her completely out my life. Even if I had a wife it wouldn't be guaranteed that she could help with my kids. It's like I need help. An God is like nope. You don't need help. I'm like my kids need a mom and God is like nope. They don't need a mom. 

Dang, i gotta wait to go back to college. I'm sign up and start going back to college. If I do stay at this job for the next 2 years. I wanna get my bachelor's degree. I just wanna live the life I believe I deserve. I just wanna be fully happy. Internally and externally. 

7:53pm- I'm shower and lay down. I got home and I feel a bit emotional. I might upload my video for tomorrow. But honestly I'm probably get out the shower and lay down and watch YouTube until I go to bed. I feel blah... Although tomorrow my water heater getting swapped and the hole in Jophiel room is getting fixed. So then I can do the kids room and organize my office and I still gotta buy a coach. Since damn Walmart returned my coach. Let me look on Wayfair and Walmart again.