😶🥀🫠🥰💔🥀💔😭

9:23pm- Ok so I feel a lot better. I prayed and then meditated after. So lately…maybe the last 3 days or so. I’ve been meditating. I do my normal salat prayer. So once in the morning then once at night after I shower. And I meditate. I don’t have a set amount of time. I just sit with my legs folded Indian style. I take slow deep breaths and concentrate on my breathing. Breath in breath out. Is all I think. Nice and slow over and over and over over again. I do this with my eyes closed and just keep thinking that. If thoughts come to my mind I refocus on breathing in and breathing out. I don’t wanna think about anything really. I just wanna clear my emotions, clear my mind and reset myself. Sometimes I’ll see something. Like a face or animal or building. I don't concern myself too much with that. I just focus on my breathing. So I felt much better after that. And decided to upload my video tonight. I need to edit the other two videos and upload those next. Yeah for sure this weekend I’m going to go visit my sister. I need some physical love in my life. I need a fucking hug. I feel so isolated and alone, an that sucks because I’m surrounded by love. Tanvi, Ashley, my sister, rebs, mer, jewels, hell the list goes on and one. So many people care about me, but I keep my distance from them. I push people away…I don’t know why. I hate that I’m always so extreme. It’s always from one extreme to the next. Either I’m all this or all that, either go big or go home. An I just wanna be in the middle. I just wanna have a middle ground…I'll finish uploading this video and go to bed. I need a hug, I need a wife to rub my back and say it’ll be ok babe. Just relax and rub my head until I fall asleep…I’m grateful for my life but I’m sad. I feel like I have no purpose. I want a family of my own. I want to be able to focus on my books. On my youtube. That’s the next thing I gotta stop consuming. Stop listening to my audio books, stop watching youtube, just stop consuming and start creating more. Do more youtube videos. More editing of my videos. Work on my book more. Write more in my blog. Just do more creating and less consuming. I have been hearing that message as well. LIke God is telling me to do that more as well. I need to lean into that. Maybe that’ll help me over this girl and move on with my life. 

9:52pm- that hurt video is old. But I just had to relisten to it and it really just touched me. Reminded me about hurt. E is hurt and she hurt me because she's hurt. I can't take that personal. Also I saw this on Twitter. i rewatched my hurt video and look at the tips. its like my videos really are for me. I really do love myself. I'm texting mer about it and she speaking the truth. i throw all logic out the window when I'm in my feelings. 

5:31am- I woke up around 3. I prayed but couldn't figure out what God wanted. Why I woke up so early. I tossed and turned…I wanna call her and talk. But I know that's my ego. If it's God she'll call me. Me calling is my ego…an it's like I have to have faith that this whole thing I'm going through has purpose. That God is doing something for me.

6:42am- It’s like one minute I’m totally ok. I am grateful and joyful for the life I’m living. My house, my health, my kids, my friends and family. Then boom, suddenly and all at once the loneliness and sadness consumes. It feels like I’ll be trapped in this forever. My ego comes up and is like look at our life. Look at all we’ve done. It has to mean something, it has to amount to something. It’s so odd, the feelings I have for her. When I compare them to what I think or want from anyone else I see is just like nothing compared. None of this makes sense to me, I look at people all the time and I wait to feel what I felt. I wait to see if my spirit will speak to me telling me to go to them. That they and me are bonded and it’s nothing. I have no idea what I'm going through but it hurts. It fucking hurts so bad man. It’s like I just want to move on. I want to not think about or focus on a relationship or who dick she sucking or anyone else. I want to focus on me, I want to be happy with me and the life I’m building. Focus on my youtube, focus on my blog, focus on my books. Maybe my desire for a relationship is a way for me to ignore my calling to focus on my business ventures…but youtube is not about the money. It’s about me spreading my message. Me speaking my truth to the world and finding people who feel and think like me. My blog is me speaking my truth, me letting out all the inner works I have, the inner anger and sadness and freeing myself from it. It’s a part of me getting rid of my ego. Crushing this idea of self and I am so special I am so different from other people. My books is how I tell my stories. How I share some of my ideas and thoughts with the world. How I can spread various different messages subtly. Nothing I’m doing is really about the money, can I make money from them. Yes…do I want to make money from them…yes…but I’m not really doing them explicitly for money. Than again, it’s all a distraction. It’s all just foogasy foogasie. None of it really matters, nothing we do really matters. In the end death will come for all of us and none of this will have ever meant anything. We’ll die and people will forget us. The world will keep spinning. All your material things will no longer have the value and worth you placed on it because you will be gone. It’s like why try anything? Why not just live for the flesh and have a good time while alive. I tried that love shit and look how that turned out. Fucking girl didn’t want to love me back, didn’t want to heal and grow with me. She would rather sit around sad about a life she could’ve had…is that what I’m doing? No…because if a woman came along wanting to be with me and she wanted to grow and develop and do life with me. I would give her a chance. Hell when Jessica (21) was calling me from that fake number I legit thought she was ready to talk and grow and matured and was ready. But nope fucking little girl just wanted to play junkie games on my phone and still act like I should read her mind and figure out what she wants. Like leave me the fuck alone with that childish bullshit. When Asia came back around I thought she was ready to grow with me. I told her i wasn’t feeling good and would need time to get over my last relationship and she got angry and started talking about how she got her a man who aint shit but he is her man. Basically trying to make me jealous…but baby why would I be jealous over you dating a loser, an losing you aint a lose to me. It’s like the women I keep coming across don’t want to grow up they don’t want to change, they don’t want to be better. They want to stay right where they at in life. An it’s like ok God, so where do I go to meet better women? I don’t do clubs or bars because clearly those people are trying to mask their feelings and numb the pain of their inner selves allowing them social blindness and bravery. It ain’t online because most online dating is for hook ups. An if you want a serious relationship out of it you gotta pay for a subscription and you gotta treat it like a job. Checking it daily, filtering through the bots and fake accounts and one line response women. It’s like fuck God why are you doing this to me? Because I’m about ready to just go back to hooking up with women and calling it a day. Just having casual sex, smoking my weed, and enjoying the brief moments on this earth that I have. Why even bother trying to uplift myself. Trying to tap into my higher self and live a spiritual life if it only results in hurt and heartbreak and feeling alone and isolated. That’s dumb to me. But still yet here I am doing it. 

9:26am- I have to stop trying to understand. Stop trying to use my logic and understanding of the world and life and God and myself. I have to have faith. Belief. I God is real. An I know he gave me a message a sign. I have to believe that and stop thinking about how it'll happen. I have to just believe and accept that I'm waiting for it to happen. But it will happen. God is a deliverer. Ok let's get this 4:30 day done.

4:44pm- time to go home. Get my kids and work on my stuff. Yeah I'm go home and do some editing. Well cook then maybe film and do some editing. I'm really scared of the future. Scared of what my life is becoming. But it's about faith and trust in God. Faith that everything will workout for me best. But when I get scared, I keep saying thank you God. Everything will workout. 

9:00pm- I feel like shit. I'm going to bed