🥴😔🙃🫠🙃🙄🤧

5:34am- I'm going to force myself to let her go. I left her for a reason. I left all those women alone for a reason. They're not what I want. I'm going to read my pros & cons list anytime I think of her. I'm ready to move on. Ready to find love that is about growth. Ready to be with a woman who is about growth and bettering herself. I don't wanna be with a woman who leaves her child with her mom so she can go to clubs and bars and wants to fuck men for fun. I want a woman who wants to be a wife. Not one who wants to be a hoe. 

8:55am- I just feel so unseen. I unloved. An it's so stupid because I am loved and desired. People show me and tell me this daily. But I feel unseen. Like nothing matters. Like who cares just do whatever physically feels good…but I'm telling myself to just keep thanking him for things. Keep thanking God for random things and soon you'll feel better. There is no going back now. No going back to mail, 23, and 21. No going back to women who want casual sex and not to be wives. No going back to my past. 

11:06am- I feel so emotional today. 

11:47am- I feel so confused about my life. About the direction I'm going. What's going to happen to me. I feel confused and scared. I feel angry as well…but the anger is odd. It's out of place. Because I'm not really angry but I say I am. Really I'm hurt and sad. Hurt and sad that I'm here. That I'm so ungrateful for this amazing life I have. There it is, I'm angry at the fact that I can't figure out how to get out of this mood. Out of this funk in my life. How to completely move forward into my new life. I feel so tired today. Lately I'm general I been feeling tired, sleepy…I don't know why. Maybe it's all the emotions I've been feeling. It take so much energy to process these emotions.

12:55pm-that's gotta be one of the reasons I'm going through this. To finally get over this interdependence. This desire to be with someone. To constantly be attached to another person. The desire to be seen. Maybe that's why God has me lonely and isolated. So I can purge myself of this. Is apart of why I feel so insecure. So full of self doubt and confusion. Always second guessing my choices. I have to get over that. Get past that…I've been wanting to call her or text her so badly. But I know it's not the move. By doing so will feed my ego and ultimately hurt myself. She's not what I want in a partner. 

1:30pm- is not when the qualities of a person that make them trash. Because people change…it's the fact that they know they're trash. Know they have horrible qualities and traits and instead of trying to fix it. Instead of trying to be better trying to change. They double down or dwell in the trash behaviors then blame everyone but themselves for the trash lives and relationships they have. 

5:56pm- at least I got some happiness today. Some external happiness. My juicer and exercise bike came. 

so now I can make my juices. Which is cool to me. I'm put together my bike now. I feel tired and sad still. So I'm going to put together the bike. Set up my juicer. Maybe make some juice. Then I'm going to bed. 

8:07pm- exercise bike came broke in the box so I gotta return it. I feel a bit better. I really do get it. Mail is hurt... But she didn't have to hurt me.