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5:31am- if that's you praying for something bad to happen to me. I hope God heals your heart cause you got serious problems wasting your prayers like that. For the last 3 nights I've been waking up in the middle of the night. Usually around 3. Tonight I woke up around 1. I had two dreams I can remember a little. They made me feel good. Wasn't nothing important or special. I just remember waking up thanking God. Oh first was about a boxing match I was supposed to be in. I was ready to fight. I went to use the bathroom to pee. There was no toilet but to my left was a hooded figure standing there looking at me. So I turned around to walk out. An as I went to grab the door knob for the stall. Someone grabbed my legs and I started to kick before I fell back on my head and woke up. Then the second dream was about a hotel I think…the second one I don't remember to much. But ok let me get up and get ready. God is good. 

12:34pm- I really don't want to talk to anyone. I gotta figure out why I feel this way. Why can't I get her off my mind out of my heart. I gotta figure what God is saying to me. Because he's always leading us. So it's like where?... What lesson am I missing? What am I not seeing? Every time I remind myself of her cons how she not good for me. I'm reminded she's hurt…but her being hurt is no excuse to hurt me. It's like fuck man, I get it she's hurt. I'm fucking hurt to. I was hurt and scared when I met her but I didn't take it out on her…fully….I held it in most the time. Ugh whatever man. God don't want me with her so I have to let her go. PLEASE MIND, let her go…. As soon as I get off work. I'm go home shower pack up and hit the road. So see my sister and Tanvi. Maybe that'll help me feel better. 

6:02pm- maybe I'll leave at midnight or early in the morning like 6am or something. She works all weekend so barely going to get any quality time. But it's fine, at least I can say I went to see her. An at least I'll get out the house. See something different. I just gotta get air in my tires and I already got a full tank of gas. So yeah it should be good…. I'm so fucking delusional. Somewhere I can't love myself. Why was I thinking about texting her and asking her to come with me up there. Like a family trip 🥴🥲 I really gotta get it together. But I did good. I've been slowly getting over her for real. Like it doesn't hurt so much seriously. I keep reading the pros and cons list. She has so many cons and not even trying to fix them. I don't need that or deserve it in my life. I deserve a healthy good love. I'm a good guy and everyone says it. All my exes say it. Hell even she said it. She just can't let go of her pain. Just can't break free from it. All I can do is pray for her. I'm not waiting for her. 

8:13pm- yeah I'm leave in the morning. Early. I saw this and felt so much better. Cause I been TALKING to God. Asking questions and just talking. Today I did you again. I didn't text anyone or answer my phone when people called me. I just sat with myself did my work and talked to God. I'm getting really comfortable just being alone. Being with just me and my thoughts. 

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