1:07am- I hate how insecure I feel…how I always think negative. How the thought of her laid up with another man hurts my feelings. I hate how angry I suddenly get…I wanna be better.
5:51am- oh God protect me today. I'm tired man.
7:28am- I was going to film today. But I think I wanna do the painting as soon as I get home. If I get a chance to film after painting I will. But I'm go get this oil change because that's a must. The boys need new pants. Well Jojo more than Jophiel. Because he got Jojo old paints. After the oil change I'm go do the homestead information. This way I can go file my taxes this week or next. I'm do turbo tax to see what I can get. An I'm go to the lady T’hiya gave me the information for…. I'm be honest, Everytime I'm thinking of or doing something for the house. I think about her, I think about how she would feel about what I'm doing. How we could've been doing this together. I need to fix this fear of being alone. Fix this desire to always be distracted by someone. Fix my insecurities, my fear of being played or left. I just want to be happy, I just want peace. I want to love a woman with all my heart and be loved back in full. Reciprocation, I never had a woman truly give me back the love I gave her. I'm always liking them way more than they like me. Or they like me and I don't like them.
8:02am- man this heartbreak really hit me hard. I legit think of her daily. And it hurts that she's not ready. Man oh man, I legit want a life partner. But I'm proud of myself. Because no matter what I'm feeling I do what I have to do. I push past my feelings and I do what I have to do.
8:24am- oil change done, now to the homestead people. Than home to paint.
9:16am- I'm missing someone who literally doesn't care and never cared about me. No matter how much I showed my love she never appreciated it never was excited or happy about anything I did. No excitement for any of my gestures of love. I feel so dumb…I deserve a woman who appreciates my affection, who is delighted at my gifts, who loves the fact that I want to be a father to her fatherless child. Love's that I buy her family birthday and Christmas gifts. A woman who wants to spend her free time with me. I deserve a woman who would proudly post me online. Who hugs me in public, a woman dances on me when we at parties. A woman who wants a relationship. That's literally not her and was never her. An I have to accept that…my heart is broken but I deserve better. She never deserved me.
10:09am- here we go.
let's make it happen.
2:06pm- I love the two tone look. Man I like the job I did. It looks great... I'm really proud of myself.
2:25pm- everyone wants to feel loved and desired. Everyone wants to feel valued. Wants to feel seen. I hate that I have to sit with this. An it's all my childhood trauma. My mother really fucked me up. My brother running away really fucked me up. That kid touching me in elementary school really fucked me up…I've lived with so much pain and hurt for years. Having sex with strangers to fill the void. Smoking weed, drinking alcohol. Doing anything to never sit with the hurt. The feeling of worthlessness. The feeling that I really don't deserve this or that. This shit hurts…but I have to do it. I have to get through this…or I'll keep on the cycle. My boys will suffer, they'll inherit the cycle. I have to break this. I have to free us all.
5:18pm- today was a good day. I was sad a bit, hurt a bit, got a little angry…but caught myself and pushed through. I had a great day. Very productive. The living room and kitchen are painted. I'm getting the house in order for real. I'm go get the kids, take Jojo for his glasses, grab and groceries and probably some polo tropical as well. Or I might go get his glasses Thursday when I'm off. I kinda wanna go back home. I'm seriously falling in love with my house. With myself…I'm glad I'm healing. It hurts a lot but it's time. I gotta let the past go. I gotta seriously grow up.
8:10pm- as I reflect on my past. When I get to feeling insecure I look for women to reassure myself. I talk to different women. But if someone makes me feel insecure I use to try to fuck the closet person to them. Sisters, aunts, nieces, moms, best friends. It was my way of getting back at them for making me feel that way but always validating the feeling that they don't value me correctly. Because even your blank would fuck me. So you being dumb for not seeing how lucky you are to have me…insecurity is my biggest problem. I naturally feel it but I feel it more when the people I like reject me. When people make fun of how I talk saying I sound like a white man. When they say my voice isn't deep enough or sounds like I talk through my nose. Those things make me self conscious. An I doubt myself I begin to feel I'm not enough. So I seek validation in my ability to be sexual with multiple people. My ability to be sexual with the people closet to the ones who made me feel less…I don't like that, and it's something I've done many times over the years. To many women…I'm about to write then I'm going to bed.
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