6:50am- I’m feeling really good this morning, really excited about the future. I’m feeling really positive about what my life is becoming and who I’m becoming. I’m feeling good about the life I’m building for myself. How I’ve been moving through the world and how I plan and want to keep moving through the world. I put my clothes to wash and put the paint stuff out to dry. Because I don’t want to buy more painting stuff. I washed the paint brush and rollers and now they are out to dry. So hopefully they’ll be dry by tonight when I get home and I can use them to paint. I’m going to try and paint the entire living room and kitchen tonight. This way when I get up tomorrow and finish doing all my stuff if there are parts to touch up I can do that. I also got some paint remover to get the paint off the tile and baseboards that we spilled. Everything is going good in my life. I just gotta keep going, I gotta stay focused. I pray no matter what happens this year I can continue to stay focused. I can keep my mind on the prize and keep pushing forward. Tomorrow they release the job opportunities at the post office as well. So I'm look into that as well. I’m applying to better positions for the next two years. I actually need to find someone to read my KSA and see if they’re good or if I could improve them in any way. God is good y’all, if we do the work he’ll help us. If we do the possible he’ll do the impossible. Have faith and push through the pain and sorrow and on the other side things will be awesome! It takes time and patience, just stay focused stay willing stay ready.
8:51am- I think because I'm always insulted about how I talk and how I behave it makes me feel insecure. Like I they always telling me I talk like a white person. I'm like a white man. That shit makes me feel insecure. The constant jokes about me being gay because I'm a nice person and always smiling. Like those things really did damage my self esteem. Makes me question who I am. Than just trying to be who I am people make it seem like being smart is not good. An I get it, these are internal things I need to deal with. An that's what I'm doing.
2:23pm- everything really does happen exactly how it's supposed to happen when it's supposed to happen. God is the director of this whole thing. Either Edith will change and grow and come back to me and our love will be permanent and a Act of worship to the all mighty God. Or she won't and I'll meet the woman whose meant to be my wife and our love will be an act of worship to the Almighty God. But I needed to let her go in order to grow and develop into the person I am today. To keep on this path of advancement. This path of growth and betterment. EVERYONE wants to live up to there fullest potential, a lot just don't want to go through the pain and hurt to achieve it.
6:34pm- finished my work and going back out. But it's fine because I want the money. I get paid 3 times this month. I need $2k or better every check. But I also still wanna go home and work on my stuff. Tape up the ceiling and start the painting process…I really do wish I had a wife. But I guess I'm not ready…maybe just as I'm growing and changing so is…I'm just focused on me and doing what I need to do to live the life I want to live. I'm go home and finish with my YouTube video uploads for the week. Tomorrow I wanna do more filming and editing. Got content for the next two weeks.
10:17pm- so I'm still painting. And I got a sudden sadness took over me. Missing this girl thinking to myself she should've been here helping me. We should've picked the color together. We should be together .. but what's meant to be will be... If she's meant for me she'll come back. Ready to grow ready to change. Ready to value me and love me correctly and I'll love her with all my heart. And our love will be a testimony to the love of the one true God above.... I really am lonely... But here's the paint so far. And I still gotta do the dark paint. But I'm try do all the light paint tonight.
man I like that color.
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