💔😫🥺... 🙂‍↕️☺️😎

11:21pm- I'm done for the night. I'm proud of the work and heading to my room to write a bit and it's cold. And I thought about her cuddled up with some trash ass dude. She would rather do that than grow the fuck up and be a woman so we could be in our house in our bed cuddled to together. That shit sad... I wanted to make a life with her. And now I'll probably see her tomorrow and feel nothing. She won't speak to me or even try too. An that'll hurt my ego. Hurts my ego to know I loved her so much tried to give her the world and that wasn't enough for her to change... Look at all the weight I lose over the last few months 

i was really fucked up over this girl. And she just was out sucking and fucking and partying. While I was heartbroken crying and totally destroyed. Me changing and growing isn't for her. It's for me. Even if she came back I couldn't and wouldn't just take her back. I'm different I would have to see that she's different. Because I've come a long way I've changed in so many ways. An she's probably exactly the same. 

8:13am- I tossed and turned almost all night.

which makes sense. Anytime she's on my mind before bed I can't sleep good. I don't feel tired but I don't feel well rested. I pray today goes good. I hope I don't see her. I just wanna get over her. I hate that I feel this way. Hate that I think of her every fucking day. That I miss her ...I pray I learn to love that which is good for me and hate and run from that which is bad for me. I deserve good love, deserve a good woman, deserve a healthy relationship. I deserve to be happy. I'm do a little editing before work. Gotta keep building my life.

8:46am- Jessica hit me up and said don't worry she won't be there. So I feel so relieved. I thank God for real.

9:43am- yo I was fucked up for real…like I am so ready to get over this girl. God don't want her with me. An it's like ok God, take her from my heart take her from my mind. Free me of the thoughts of her. The pain I feel when I think of her with another man. Help me be completely over her so I can move on with my life. It's like why is she in my heart on my mind. I'm ready to move forward. I felt so scared going to work today. I was so worried about seeing her. I hate that for myself. 

4:55pm- I spoke to Jessica all day today. She's so cool, a really good friend. I'm go take Jophiel for his hair to get done. This girl has been on my mind and in my heart…. Maybe seeing her won't upset me as much. But I'm scared I'm going to see her and feel nothing. An honestly that's hurtful …I'm really going to have to let her go. An I'm ready to do it but it's like how? how?

5:41pm- what's meant to be will be. I'm open to God controlling my life. I'm never chasing another woman. A woman show me she don't like me. I'm going to believe her. I just want to focus this year. I been praying God makes me want that which is good for me and hate that which is bad…the kava bar is going to be my reward to myself. I'm really trying to stick to my changes, to stick to my growth. I'm sick and tired of the same old bullshit. I have to live a better life. I need better, want better, and deserve better. I'm going to upload this episode and edit the next episode. Than go get Jophiel pick up my pictures and go home to shower…I feel so stupid for missing her. She was not a good girlfriend and ultimately not a good person. 

8:15pm- I did the editing for the videos. I'm do the uploads and schedule them for specific dates. Tuesday is more filming. I'm going to shower and work on my book soon. Everyday I work on my book. Man I'm ugh…I'm not going to talk about it. I'm so scared though. But I'm going to do this while scared, while emotional I'm going to keep pushing forward and do my work. 

9:46pm- why is he still getting his hair down. Asia be with that bullshit man. She keep stopping to do other shit. I'm tired and wanna go to bed. I know my baby tired.

9:51pm- damn girl just text me back saying 3 more rows…I'm go to Walmart and wait in the parking lot of her apartment. Did do some writing so I'm proud of myself. Everyday I work on my art. I pray no matter what happens this year, everyday I start consistent and work on my art.

11:24pm- finally home in my bed. I had a great day today. I thank God…maybe what I felt for E was trauma love…maybe it wasn't my spirit telling me she's the one. I honestly don't know but I'm focused on me becoming who I'm supposed to be. Leaving behind all the other stuff. Also I think I wanna figure out how to buy kombucha and kava and make it at home.