🤔🥰🥱💔😭🤷🏿‍♂️😫🙄😬🫠

11:21pm- I'm still up…talking to a childhood friend. This woman was FINE as a kid. I mean she was BAD…but she never liked me, she ain’t give me no play as a kid. Used to be like Joseph you ugly you black as hell blah blah blah…and I lost contact years ago, never really cared. Than one day in like october I bumped into her at a laundromat. An she gave me her number an we spoke and reconnected. I mean she got 4 kids so I’m not really trying to do nothing. I ain’t really trying to get into nothing right now anyways. But it’s funny because she had just recently broke up with her man and I broke up with my girl. An it’s nice to kinda feel like I’m not healing alone. But her and I don’t really talk honestly. Than tonight out the blue she calls me and we talking and it’s nice. An I like the conversation….than I think to myself I’m always putting limits on people. Saying I don’t want a woman with too many kids but it’s like why do I keep putting limits on what a partner is going to be. But it’s like I don’t know what I want, I know what want. I know what I physically want. I don’t know…but talking to her makes me feel like ok Joseph. What are we doing? What are we looking for? Because if you want a wife you can’t put limits on the woman. Limits that are shallow limits. The real only thing you want from a wife is for her to actually like you and love you and want you. All that other shit like how many kids what job where she lives. That shit can’t matter, that shit is shallow and it’ll only lead to more heart break. It’s like I gotta change everything about what I’m doing. What I’m trying to do what I want to do. I know I want to be different. I want a different life I want different in life. So I have to change all of it, change everything. I have no idea who is for me who my soulmate is…but I feel like God will tell me.

12:33am- I like Dee, she mad cool and she healing as well. But I ain't ready. I'm still not completely over Edith and my spirit don't jump at the idea of Dee. I'm taking everything nice and slow, I'm not getting distracted. I gotta focus on me. I got to stay the course of growth. But I'm probably keep talking to her. But I wanna completely be over Edith. Like the thought of her with someone else don't bother me over her. Like seeing her means nothing to me over her. Plus again I want God to make it clear that a specific woman is for me. He got to let me know definitively. Same way I felt in my spirit Edith is for me. Shit I still feel like she's the one she just is resisting it and being dumb. But honestly I feel like she and I are supposed to be. But she ruining God plan so he's going to change it up and I'll end up with someone else. Like when a movie has to replace the main actress with someone else. Same thing God is going to do soon.

5:31am- fuck I'm tired…😭😭

7:05am- I'm grateful for this journey of growth. For this journey to become better. I still want to heal with someone. To continue the journey with a partner. To have that deep human connection with another person. But I understand, is not my time yet. An I really do still miss her…but I understand she's not for me. An I want to have sex and be distracted by someone and exist with someone enjoying the ups and downs of life. But that's not God's will. At least not in a romantic way or connection. An that's hurtful but it's my story. I'm trying my hardest to listen to my spirit to listen to my inner voice to my inner child. I'm genuinely scared but I got to keep going …so today at work will be good and tonight we'll be making something happen. I did very little writing last night. But it's fine, I did something. Everyday I want to do something. The little steps the little moves create a bigger picture.

7:49am- look at what Mer sent me. The other day I was talking to her about personal power numbers. 

mine is 7 and that's what 7 means. An tell me why that's exactly how I feel at this stage of my life and it's exactly what I'm going through at this stage of my life. An I believe the universe works off numbers. 

like I really believe it. 

10:15am- I'm getting off at 6-7 tonight and I'm working tomorrow. Which sucks but doesn't. Because I need and want the money. But it sucks because I'll probably end up seeing this woman. Which I've been trying so hard not to. But it's God will. I need and want the money. 

10:23am- I feel a bit nervous about seeing her. Like I want to see her to see how I feel when I see her. But at the same time I don't want to see her…this is the test. This is the defining moment of am I over her. I'm go in a bit early just to set my stuff up away from everyone. It hurts to let her go. To know she really doesn't want to grow with me. After all the love I gave her. Maybe she won't show up. Maybe I'm making it bigger than it is. 

1:36pm- the worst part of all this is I know she's hurting. I know she knows I'm the best man she's ever had and it's dumb to lose me. But she not going to change. This whole time she hasn't done any stuff reflecting or changing it growth. Just clubs, bars, eating dicks …an it's my ego that's hurt. My ego is hurt that she really rather live in her pain and toxicity than to accept my value and work through the pain to have a better life for herself and her child. Than I thought as well. Yeah Dee is not for me. She's going through a healing process but she's still talking to men. I'm celibate and I'm not talking to anyone. I'm literally strictly focused on my healing on my growth focused on me. I don't want to be with anyone who can't truly self reflect and see where they need help and improvement. I'm seriously sad y'all, seriously lonely and hurt. But I know it's for my best. It's for my growth…even if E does talk to me. I wouldn't couldn't and won't rush back into a relationship with her. But she won't talk to me. 

2:10pm- I been sticking to my stuff. 

i wanna learn Spanish, I wanna write my books. I seriously want to change and become the person I know I'm meant to be. I just want my wife while I do it. Like I don't want to stop this journey. It's not easy at all and I see why I avoided it for so many years. I see why so many people avoid the hard part. Like damn yo, why it gotta hurt at much... But I have faith it'll all pay off. It'll all be worth it. 

4:03pm- no matter how I feel tonight I have to get something done. I have to push Past my feelings…but I think it's so funny that all the women in my life who didn't want to submit or listen to me as the man in their life. All the women are doing the same thing they was doing when I met them. They have not advanced their life in no real meaningful way. They ain't buy no house, they didn't get married, they didn't pay off debt. They literally still doing the same thing. And look at me, spiritually advancing, bought a house, paying off debt, money invested and growing on its own. It's like if they had been women to my man. They would've won like I'm winning. 🤷🏿‍♂️

5:47pm- more and more I think about tomorrow I feel like I'm scared because my ego. It's just like why I'm so hurt she didn't choose me over the club and alcohol. The thought of that bruises my ego. Her choosing not to change hurts my ego. It makes me feel like I'm not who I think I am. Makes me feel like I'm not as great as I believe myself to be. But that's my ego because the reality is she's fighting demons. She's living in pain and sorrow. Trapped in a pattern of self destruction and sabotage. 

6:19pm- ok I'm still kinda in my feelings. But fuck it, I have to push past it. I have to be able to still do my stuff. Regardless of how I feel. Even if I don't do all of it. I gotta be able to do something that'll take me a step further. 1% minimum each day. Towards my art, making my house a home, resolving deep rooted issues, taking care of future Joseph. I'm going home to cook more rice, shower, film at least one episode of somethin and do some writing. I'm thinking of going to bed around midnight. I'm also going to tape up the walls for us to paint. I think I'm going to paint Monday night since I'm off Tuesday. And Tuesday and Thursday I'll do more painting since those are my days off. 

7:00pm- got some groceries and I'm getting some kombucha now..

10:48pm- I filmed even though I was feeling sad and what not. I edited one video I'm about to edit another than I wanna do a little writing. Everyday I wanna write. Even if it's two words. But I'm staying focused. I'm so ready for a different life.