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11:01pm- it's crazy to me that women literally like me and it's always some reason they won't give into that. They job stops them, since I'm a client. Or we work together and they don't like that. Or they live in another state or county and they don't like that. An it's like baby I'm not forcing nothing. An I don't want no long distance relationship. But I'm my mind it's like this is God. God don't want me with this or that person. He literally is saving me for a specific person. An is like who Lord? Where they at? Cause I'm ready for my wife. But whatever I got to focus on other things. Focus on my books, exercising, YouTube, and I signed back up to college so I'm get my bachelor's degree as well. I'm going to bed, I gotta get my sleep schedule back in order. Get my routine back in order. 

5:36am- yeah I'm tired…an what a dream. I dreamt of people but now I can't remember who. I felt, odd a bit but it wasn't that bad. I can't remember who it was. But it was someone from my past. Dang man, whatever. But yeah I'm tired. Today going to be a long day. I'm back at work. I gotta get my morning routine in order as well. Ugh let me go get some coffee, definitely going to pack some coffee as well. 

6:56am- For the month of March I wanna try to really focus. Like no youtube unless I’m at work. An when I get home either make a video or work on my book(s). Nothing else, unless I’m reading one of my books. An going to bed around ten or eleven the latest. Last night I went to bed around eleven or so. An I don’t feel super tired today but this morning I lingered around ina sleepy stupor. So it’s like nah man, go to bed on time then get up early and jump out of bed to start. In the morning that’s my time to meditate, exercise, pray, journal, get ready for the day. I don’t wanna linger in bed rolling around looking at email, checking messages (which none are from who I really want to hear from) looking at my bank account and stocks and crypto. That’s not the way I want to start my morning, so I think for March I’m going to do the hard thing and really push myself. Let me get Jophiel up and start this day with him. Get him ready for what’s to come. 

6:47pm- I feel tired, I'm about to shower and go lay down. But took at my car advertising sticker. 

I'm going to get my car washed and put it on there. But I'm not off until Thursday. Fuck it let's get the money. I was thinking all of March will be writing. Only do my YouTube on my days off. But before or after work is writing. I gotta write my books and advertise it on my website. I just gotta focus my energy. 

7:00pm- ever since I learned I'm working Sunday I feel a bit anxious...a bit scared. But I'm sitting with my belief. God has kept that girl away from me for a reason. I don't think I'll ever see her again if she's not for me. If she is for me the next time I see her she'll come and talk to me. We'll fix this thing. So Sunday she won't be there or if she is there she'll talk to me and we'll fix it. An my mind is like an if she's there and doesn't talk to you. Then what? An I'm like that's not going to happen. That's not God plan. 

8:41- Oh snap, she said two weeks from now I’m taking her out. Absolutely I will, I think I know where I’m take her also. Take her out for dinner. Oh yes. She got that gorgeous smile, banging body shape, Oh yeah I like her. An she talks, she says what she wants, she speaks her mind. Oh yeah I’m fucking with her. She got two daughters, which is fine because I literally love kids. Yo God is good, this could be it. OK so let me not think of the future or think ahead. I’m just relax and cool it. Like I been waiting for this, waiting to feel this excitement. This flame inside…it’s different from what I felt when I saw E. I wonder if Mer was right. What I felt when I saw E is not my spirit warm and happy. It was my gut telling me to avoid her, my intuition telling me she is trouble. I have no idea, I’m going with the flow. No rush just going with the flow of life. Whatever God wants…an definitely I’m going back to college. I gotta get out the post office. I need more money, I want to be able to shower my woman with presents, take her out often, pay for flights, and go on road trips. Like I want to be able to really treat my woman like a queen. Because that’s my love language. That’s me, I like pouring into my woman. I like being able to give my woman nice things. So I think for the month of March I’m going to focus on my book(s) and on my days off make youtube videos. So this Thursday I’m going to make my gobabytrade video and maybe 2 or 3 other videos. 

9:34pm- ok God, I think I'm getting it. I'm not fully into my new life and I'm completely out of my old life. I really hope things are going how they should. I believe it, I'm sitting with it. I have faith I have belief. I'm going to bed soon. I feel a little tired and I really want March to be a working month. February I was chilling all month. I'm grind in March. Get my mind ready for school. 

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5:19am- why the fuck did I dream of Malika last night. So odd, I haven't really thought of her in years. Lately when I pray I pray for her by name. But I name a bunch of people. If I remember someone's name or they pop up in my mind I speak it and pray for their healing and that God will make his presence known in their lives. I saw her in my dream last night. She was talking to me. I think we live together but wasn't together. It didn't make me feel anyway. She was just there. 

9:32am- I really love how I can hear birds chirping when I go outside my house. Like that brings me a level of peace and awareness that's a lil hard to explain. 

9:57am- Today is supposed to be the last day of this court stuff. Today ends this chapter of my life.Maybe that’s why I’ve been kinda anxious. The last couple of nights I’ve been kinda restless. TIred but not tired. Today me and Jophiel go to court to finish things up. To get these DCF people out of our lives. God willing it’ll all be put behind me and I don’t ever have to worry about any of this crap anymore. So After this what’s the next big things in our lives. It’s basically Jophiel dentist appointment, an I have to make another doctor appointment. The last doc was good and told me nothing is wrong with me. But I want a second opinion and I still wanna get my sperm tested. I know it’s healthy but I wanna know how healthy. An I have high testosterone which is good as well. But overall I’m healthy, but I want another opinion because like I said yesterday. I want another child. So I wanna make sure i’m healthy enough to handle that. But yeah I’ve been feeling tired lately. I’m not really sure why, I think it could be a shift in my energy. A shift in my thinking and inner core beliefs. You know I’ve been training my subconsciousness. An it’s working, I can see my thinking shifting and my emotions different. How I react to things and how I think about things when they happen. The mental work is tiring on the body. 

3:05pm-driving home now. That was quick easy thing. We didn't close it out, but it all worked out great. And I'm get exactly what I want so that's a great thing. 

4:21pm- fuck it I'll take the boys out for dinner as a celebration. He wants burgers and the Chili's is right up the street…I was talking to mesh earlier and it wasn't that bad. But everytime is like a reminder that I'm friend zoned. But oddly enough I still want my Edith. So it's like what does it matter. Plus if you don't wanna be her friend. Just stop answering her phone calls. But I understand why she calls me. She needs someone to speak life into her. To remind her she's on the right path. To feed her spirit and give that little external motivation. An I get it, it's nice for me because I can pour into someone but it sucks because I want someone to pour into me.

5:49pm- my boys are happy and that was a decent meal. $80… last time we went out was Jophiel birthday and I thought about E the whole time and this time I didn't really think of her but I thought about her. I miss going out with her. Looking at her and just admiring her beauty. The glow of her skin. I really loved the shimmer. If she's meant to be with me. I hope God sends her back soon. I still love her. But if she doesn't come back. I pray God heals her. So she can be a better mom, better daughter, better sister. Better person. 

8:40pm- God is so amazing, I'm so ready for this new life. For this shift, for how things are changing and becoming amazing. I gotta seriously lock into my art into my workouts into my YouTube. Into doing my thing…I believe God is healing Edith so we can be together. I believe if she's not meant for me. He's preparing my wife for me. I just gotta focus on my art and body and let the time pass that's needed for her to heal and come to her senses that I'm the best man she's ever had and the man who loves her the most. 

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6:31am- my baby boy is off to school today. I love how they bus stop is literally right by the house. They don’t walk far they just walk right there. It’s other kids that live around here and go to school with jojo as well. So he could legit start a nice little life here. I love this for my son. I’m so glad I bought a house. This house is a perfect size for us. An when my wife comes we’ll have room for her as well. 4 bedroom 3 bath. Great buy and I think when I go bigger with my wife. I’m going to keep this house and rent it out. But for sure, I was thinking about it last night. I want another child. I want to have a baby. I wanna get married first then have a child. So yeah in the meantime I need to buckle down and lock in. because I need my $100,000 a year after taxes. I signed back up for college. But college is a after thought. I think the second half of this year I’m going to seriously focus on college and work towards my degree. For now I’m just taking a few classes, focusing on youtube and writing my books. That’s really what I need to do. Focus on my books, get them done, then promote them. Because after the books I want to write some movie scripts and film those. I still wanna make art, movies that inspire people. Movies that touch people inside, really sparks something in their core. Ok so today we do a bit of budgeting and I gotta go to walmart for a few things and I should do some filming. I’m thinking about doing that. I gotta get back into gear. Shake off this funk I’ve been in. Also when I open my blinds you can literally see right into my house. I can see jojo bus stop from my bedroom window. Yeah I gotta get curtains for my home. I like the blinds open because I like letting the sunlight in. 

8:01am- that coffee wrecked my stomach. But it’s ok, Im getting back into routine. I was looking at rings to buy for my wife. I think her finger size was a 7. But she probably weighs more now so her finger is thicker. But I’m wait to buy it for when she finally comes back. On another note, I’m getting ready to go to Walmart and get this stuff. Jophiel underwear, protein powder, bananas, sponges, and sticky notes. Today will be a good day. I need to be productive right now my stomach hurts and I’m not in the mood to do anything. So we’ll see. Seriously it’s important I’m more gentle with myself. I gotta let go of my pursuits. Life is about being, just existing. 

9:10am- I really love and thank God that I can hear birds chirping every morning. When I was waiting for the bus with Jojo I could hear birds all around us. Right now I can hear birds in the backyard. I don't really like that an thank God for that small mercy of his voice. 

9:40am- the ego lives for the future or the past. An I've been living in the future. Constantly thinking and talking about a wife. A wife that I currently don't have but want. That's my ego, that's ego. 

9:50am- killing your ego isn't the answer. Understanding it and using it as the tool it is. That's the key. Because you need the past to guide your future. To know where you came from and where not to go back to. The future is important for hope, for feeling better. When you can imagine a better future you can and will act in better ways. So you need your ego, your sense of self. Again I don't drink or smoke because I want my sperm to be as healthy as possible. I want to have another baby. Maybe two ..I imagine a future where I'm married and my wife is pregnant with my child. That's my ego that sees that for me. An I like that. I want that. So I do things now that will bring me closer to that. Delaying my happiness now for happiness later. As long as you can see yourself being who you are. You're in control of who you are. Because at any moment of seeing yourself do or say something that doesn't align with who you think you are. You can step in and alter the behavior of yourself. An active observer opposed to a simple observer. 

12:23pm- I made some juice, blackberry, strawberry, ginger, watermelon juice. That shit taste so good, I put a ting of orange in it just to add a bit of citrus. Jophiel likes it, an I like it. So yeah man this juicer was such a good investment. 

2:32pm- Jojo like his new school the fucking bus stop is literally in front our house for both of them. God really did this for us. He put us here for a reason. So when Edith comes back and ready to live together Emani can get the bus right there in front the house. Everything is working out. I was so scared but God is handling this good. 

9:22pm- I'm going to change my email for my YouTube channel. Today was another great day. 

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7:49am- I have no idea what's going on with me. The last couple days I been feeling emotional and tired and just overall annoyed. But things are going good in my life. Like seriously going good. But still yet I'm not happy, I feel this uneasiness, this sense of annoyance. Not that I'm missing something but more like I want something. You know that feeling you get when you want something specific to eat but know you'll have to settle for something else. That's the feeling I've been getting. I need to put together the kids dresser, the desk chair, donate these cloths, sell this stuff I have, and organize the kitchen. I think I been in a funk. 

8:42am- so boom Jojo starts school tomorrow and now I'm waiting for the call for Jophiel to start. An just like that we are living our new life. I think Twitter has been adding to my funk. So I gotta stay off Twitter and stay off YouTube. Basically I gotta stop consuming. It's not helping me, it's been putting me in my emotions and having me thinking shit. One thing I can say, I feel good that my past has burned away. 23 is gone and I literally never have to talk to her again and I'm not going to. 20 stop calling and saying nothing. Which again is great never going to talk to her again either. I also decided to let mesha go. If she calls I'm not going to answer her. Because honestly she doesn't pour into me. An I'm more her friend than she is mine. So yeah I'm let her go as well. I just want better people in my life. I want people who pour into me. As of right now the only people I feel loved, Cherished and poured into by is Tanvi and Mer.

9:05am- fucking hell i make too much money. Ugh 😭😭😭

9:47am- I'm glad I don't have her number. I'd have texted her everyday. I love that girl still. Which is annoying. I hope she continues healing and God sends her back to me. Or send me my person. Cause I'm ready, at least I feel ready. I think I'm ready. My life as of now is stable peaceful and I'm content. Once I can break this emotional mental hold. I'll be good, an it's just about doing it. Doing what needs to be done. Two major things coming to me that I'm looking out for. My food stamps application and my tax return. 

4:49pm- there it is. Jophiel Startes Friday. Everyone is good to go. I hope my wife comes really soon. I'm so ready to share life with someone.

5:52pm- man my cooking is seriously getting better and better. That chicken was fire. I mean it was good. I thank God for everything I have. For everything I don't have. God is so good to me. I'm absolutely and utterly scared of what's happening in my life right now. But I'm moving in faith. I believe God is leading my life. Controlling my life. Pushing me towards a specific life. An I'm moving in that direction. No trying to control people, trying to control my life, trying to explain who I am and what I'm doing or about. I'm just going with what God is doing for me. But fuck I'm scared and fuck I want a wife to share this life with. 

7:42pm- fuck I been spending like crazy. I gotta get my shit together. Get back focused and stay there for a while. 

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11:16am- God is good, everyone signed up and ready to go. The past is burning away. No reason to go to fort Pierce other than work. They in good schools, Joseph can continue his higher learning. An so I'm go sign them up for the school bus. But yes Lord thank you for all this coming together. My new life is truly starting. Imagine if I get the position in Vero. Boom, work in Vero, live in Vero school in Vero. Maybe this is a sign. My wife lives in Vero. Cause them Fort Pierce chicks are trash. 

2:05pm- boom God is good. I made some juice today, signed up boys for school. They start tomorrow or Wednesday the latest. And Jophiel is getting his hair done right now. 

2:35pm- still think it's her when my phone goes off 😭😭

3:25pm- I got a lot done today. I’m really proud of myself that I didn’t watch any youtube today. I thought about it and wanted too, but I been telling myself I got so many things I can be doing. I really need to let go of watching youtube and playing video games. It’s time to get back into gear. Get back on the grind of doing things. I decided I’m going to fix up my front yeard. I got like this little flower area place that looks like crap. So I’m going to fix it up. Lay some bricks to section it off, get new mulch, and get rid of the old plants there and plant new plants. And I’m going to build my garden. So it’s like I got so much to do. No more playing around…but it really would’ve been nice to do all this with my wife. To have done all this with Mail…but whatever that’s not God plan. She’s not who I’m supposed to be with or she would be with me. She could call or text me at any time. I pray God continues to heal her and guide her. An if God says she is for me he’ll put that in her to reach out to me. Because I still love her. Tomorrow I’m get jojo physical done for school and by wednesday thursday everyone will be signup and starting their new schools with buses. 

4:09pm- I cut Jojo hair and need to cut my own hair next. This the area I'm going to fix up. I'm get this whole part together. I got so many things I'm going to do to my house. I love having a house. Can't wait to have a wife to share life with. I don't need one, I just want one. An right now the person I want is still mail. Maybe I'll feel this way until I meet someone new. Until I see someone and feel what I felt when I see mail. I haven't seen her in so long I wonder if I still feel that way. If my spirit still smiles when I see her. 

5:06pm- I stopped complaining, like telling other people about the pain inside. The confusion I feel. I used to tell Merlyn and Tanvi. But now I just sit with it. Or I talk to God. I don't think it makes me feel better but it feels good to know I have the strength to sit with myself. Today I've been feeling a bit emotional. Like I want a drink a smoke. I want to escape… but today hasn't even been stressful or anything. I literally just want to escape reality. I have so many things I can do, should do, but I just want to watch YouTube play video games and look for a wife. An I only want the wife to share life with. Talk to, eat out, make decisions, have sex, laugh, and overall someone I can adore. Cuddle up with, kiss on, snuggle, buy jewelry for, play video games with…ugh…today needs to be the last lazy day. I gotta get back into creative mode. Back into the grind. God has isolated me for a reason. 

6:05pm- I'm going to have to buy a generator for hurricane season. As well as window shutters or boards to cover my window. But I think I'm start on that in August. It's raining and my power flashes sometimes. I think something is up with my power connection to my house but I'm not sure. I'm probably pay a electrician. Maybe that's why God has isolated me from everyone. I'm supposed to focus on myself and house and kids heavy. But a spouse is really on my mind. In my heart. It's been this way for awhile. But ever since I got with Edith it's like I REALLY want it. That time with her really reminded me of being with Vanessa. I bought her a really nice birthday card. She really likes a nice birthday card and I got her one. I won't send it though unless God sends me a sign. What's the sign in looking for. I have no idea, it's gotta be something plan and clear that says send her the card. I was thinking if she contacts me. If she text, calls, or speaks to me. Or send a message to me through someone else. I'll send the card…I don't know if God wants me to let her go. Because she's still in my heart, I still want her. So it's like God left her in my heart for a reason. At least that's my belief. I don't know…but today was a great day I got a lot done. Tomorrow I'm get more done. And this week I'm seriously start back creating. I gotta push past my feelings and mood. And just create. Maybe for March I'll challenge myself to make a video everyday and drop them every other day. Yeah that's my challenge. So yeah y'all stay blessed and prayed up. Raise your consciousness.