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6:26am- the more I live in the now the more I lose this sense of fear. This sense of dread. But it's a everyday all the time thing. My mind tries to pull me into the future. It knows I'm not going into the past. It's easy to catch myself looking at the past. Because it's like, bro that's done. That's dead and gone. But the future. It tries to tell me how great it will be. How wonderful our future is going to be. But I catch myself, I pull myself back to the now. Back to the here and now. My now is great, my now is wonderful and free. Only my now exist. I thank God for my life. Also I need to order this damn TV wall mount but my wall is drywall. I wanna get it professionally installed. I kinda don't wanna do it myself. 

12:23pm- I did pretty good this month. 

for me this good, because I'm not trying to get subscribers. I'm just putting out the content I want to put out. But I need to get back into dropping my video and my writing. 

3:40pm- Everytime my phone goes off my mind immediately says I hope it's her. I remind myself it won't be her. But I have to think to myself. Why am I not over her? Why do I still want her? I'm not longing for her anymore. But I still want her. My heart says if she returns we should take her back. But I don't want the old her. I don't want the hurt her. Just as I've been healing and growing. I want a better version of her. And she's not going to be that. She's comfortable in her hurt. In her bullshit lifestyle. I deserve better. I want better. 

4:54pm- I been feeling anger bubble up inside me. I identify it, ask why is there and feel it through. But it's like what the flip. Why you getting mad bro. It's all good, everyone is living. God got us, our journey is going good. We're burning the past and a new better future is around the corner. But I'm still hurt or annoyed. 

6:04pm- I think I've been emotional the last couple days because Valentine's Day is coming. And my brain keeps telling me instead of her choosing to be better. She started fucking and sucking some dude who doesn't even want to marry her or be with her. She went to be with some guy who just wants sex and that hurts my ego and pride. That hurts my feelings. But it's like there is literally nothing I can do about that. If she wants casual sex instead of a committed relationship. That's her decision that's her right. Her choice. Then to think she's going to really just do Valentine's Day with another man. Well I'm stupid, she did Christmas with this new guy like she knew him her whole life…. Ugh I'm triggered, I'm annoyed I'm hurt. I really wanted to be with her. I really wanted to make a life with her. And Everytime I think why I can't see a valid reason. She wasn't good for me or to me…but still yet I want her back if she's healing. She should've been left him alone and healed her heart so we can be together again. But this time better…. She's so hurt so living in her pain. Ugh….I deserve better. I'm not going back. It's so annoying because we should be married by now. Living together. Saving up for our second house. Ugh…there is nothing about her for me to miss. Nothing I was supposed to love. Still yet I love her. Her GORGEOUS face. How my insides felt warm when I see her. How smart she is when she talks. How she would call me out on different things. Even her silence gave me a sense of comfort. I really do miss her, an I still love her. An I think I feel bad that I still love her. Because like how could I. Why would I love someone who treated me so badly. Why would I love someone who clearly didn't see a future with me. An I think I feel some way about me loving her…

6:24pm-Something I noticed about me. When I feel empty or hurt or unseen. I want to pour into someone. I never think to pour into myself. The first thought is who can I pour into. Who can I say encouraging affirmative uplifting words too. An it's like yourself. Let's talk those nice words to ourselves. Let's hug ourselves. Let's be kind and uplifting to ourselves. We deserve a good friend. We're our best friend.