7:46am- it's crazy how I'm feeling anxious. Feeling emotional…because of a stupid holiday. It's like what's wrong with me? It's been months. I've been doing the inner work. Listening to my body listening to my emotions. I hear you Joseph. You miss her, you love her, you wish she would heal and grow and come back ready to be a family and give love and get love. But that's not her, that's not her journey. To be hurt by this is silly. I'm not even thinking about her, not even longing for her. It's literally a subtle silent ting I feel in my gut. This sensation of missing something. A feeling of being without something. I want my own person, I want love. Someone I can call and talk to. Someone to have sex with. Someone to share my life my thoughts my person with. But this is a lack mindset. Which is crazy because I have everything I want and need.
12:54pm- is a subtle sadness. A undertone unhappiness. The thoughts keep trying to come up. Why wouldn't she want to grow, why would she sacrifice her happiness to live in pain. But then I think of my mother. Her oldest son doesn't talk to her, her daughter betrayed her and it hurt her to her core. An the woman decided to hurt the only child who is there for her. She betrayed my trust. Chose to live in her materialistic ways over wisdom and love. I keep hearing her voice the last time I spoke to her on the phone. She was complaining about Thays taking her stuff and how she wanted her things back so badly. An I said maybe this is God. God allowing you to start over. To see that your material things don't make you a person. Allowing you to start over. Forgive your daughter let her have the stuff she give thanks she talking to you again after you said those hurtful things because she took your worldly possessions. I said be a good person. And her literally words were I don't want to be a good person. I live in my ego. I'm a materialistic person. An it's like wow…some people will literally know their flaws and destructive ways and choose to live in that. Choose to remain that way. To be that person. It's the reality they choose to experience. The only thing I can do is raise my frequency to avoid these people. To help the planet and our universe. As each of us raises our frequency we add to the universal consciousness we uplift the human race. I really don't get how I keep attracting these people into my life. Like seriously, I want better people. I want good people in my life. I want quality friends who expect better out of me and help me grow and develop. I want a wife who is growing and uplifting and wants to help me and loves me. I can't figure out how this is what I'm attracting into my life. What I'm manifesting for myself. That means somewhere in my subconscious I'm totally broken. I'm believing I deserve these people. But consciously I don't believe that or want it.
2:47pm- is literally a sadness inside me. I feel it there. Just lingering and I'm not sure how to get it out. But it's like bro. We're saving so much money. Because God knows if I was in a relationship I'd be broke. I would've gotten her jewelry, taken her to dinner, roses, a massage. Like I would've spoiled her. Because that's me. My woman gotta have the best feel good about herself and me and love being in love with me. An the money and material things aren't supposed to do that. But they're supposed to add to it. To increase the joy. Add to the benefit of claiming me as your man.
4:38pm- the affirmation loop really does work. When my old way of thinking creeps in. I repeat the affirmations. I say them out loud. I listen to them non-stop. They really are changing my thinking. My immediate thoughts.
6:26pm- I feel that anger creeping back inside me. That annoyed feeling. I'm going to shower and go to bed.
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