7:24am- I love my son's. I love being a dad, being a father. Watching them grow. Learning who they are and how they think. Seeing their differences. I love knowing I participated in their development. I know it's going to sound bad and contradictory. But I like that I'm single and they have no mom. Because they are all me, all mine. An I like that, it makes my ego feel good. But it also puts a huge weight of expectations inside me. But don't get it twisted, I want a wife. I want them to experience having a mom.
7:48am- what a great visual of how I feel at this point in my life.
i know I'm not stagnant and going in circles. But I feel like I am. My growth is visible to all. Even to me. I feel and see it. I know it's happening. But my external the 3D hasn't caught up. But I can admit I still love her. Somewhere inside me I still want her. I still think we're meant to be together. Maybe I'm delusional. I know I'm not desperate or I'd have settled for anyone from my past. For even her as she was. I want and need healthy growing relationship. Something that is good for my soul. Not just my flesh. I need a relationship that nourishes my spirit.
4:38pm- so they invited me out for drinks. But I don't drink so I declined. But Mesha totally got me thinking about this girl. I was so good, no thoughts about Valentine's or her. And she like sparked the thoughts. Sparked the hurt inside…I pulled myself back to now. But I felt hurt. Felt hurt that again she would rather be with someone who doesn't even love her like I did…do?...I don't care, I'm just focused. I'm staying on track. I believe God is controlling my life. Controlling my life. Controlling my life. An honestly that's exactly what I want. I want what God wants for me.
5:52pm- she didn't even think to call me. To fix this…dude didn't even do what I did last Valentine's but that's what she wants. She rather give her body to someone who doesn't even cherish her. Than for her to heal her broken heart and return to a man who loves her deeply. She truly is broken, truly is living in pain. But that's ok. Because that's not me. I'm not living in pain. I'm not unhappy. I have peace and joy in my heart. Took a while to get to this point. But I'm seriously content and it's so much easier to see and count my blessings. My many many many many many blessings. So let that girl fuck a man who don't care about her while neglecting her daughter and living with her mama in they grandparents old house. I'm stay here with the good life I've cultivated for myself through hard work, sacrifice, and love. Continue my inner healing so I never settle for less again. I never settle for a person who openly says they're toxic and does nothing to heal or grow. 👎🏿👎🏿
6:05pm- I am still hurt, still angry…I had to leave her. I couldn't stay with her. I need to grow, to change, I need to be with someone who sees a future with me. I need to be with someone who wants to talk to me. I need to be with someone who likes me. I need to be with someone who adores me and cherish me as much as I cherish them. I need to be loved. An she never loved me. Fucking girl didn't even like. That's why it was so easy for her to block me. So easy for her to fuck someone new. So easy to look past all the love and affection I was giving her. My ego and pride are still hurt. I'm still hurt that I had to let go. I really didn't want to. I really wanted it to work. But clearly God didn't and don't. Thus she hasn't come back. She's not going to come back. An that hurts…but that's reality. That's my now…I'll probably go to bed early tonight as well. I feel emotionally drained. Sometimes I think it's the shift in my frequency that's draining me. My mental retraining and energetic shifting. It's tiring even if I don't see or think so. It's draining me. An I'm just in the mind to listen to my body. To go lay down when it says lay down. I'm allowed to be tired and hurt. Unlike her, I actually loved her…I really did try. I could've done things differently I definitely could've NOT done A LOT of things when I felt insecure. But I really did try and I loved her with 95% of my being. In the end it didn't work. An thus I'm here. Alone on Valentine's day while the woman I want is probably sucking some guy dick who literally just wants to use her for sex and she thinks she's ok with that. But in reality to hurting her inner child and self image and trying to drown out her pain with sexual pleasure…I been there done that…I need a cigarette.
6:24pm- I just want her to heal and come back…but she won't and that hurts. An God still hasn't given me the person for me.
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