7:05pm- I pray God heals her. Heals her broken heart. Help her to see her worth. To see her value. To see she's loved and desired.
5:55am- I had odd dreams about my cousins and uncle. I dreamt I was still in my aunt house. Living in the back. They were judging me for listening to my affirmations on loop. I was sleeping with my neighbor. I woke up feeling angry, emotional in a negative way. I been up since five…I really don't know, I feel this emotion in my stomach. It's not positive but I can't pinpoint what it is. I feel…scared, and hurt…I know it's like a anxious feeling. Like something is off. Things aren't working out how I want. Which is kinda true but not so much. My taxes didn't go how I want. Which Sunday I'm go with someone else if these nedjy people don't do it. An I'm probably ignore people phone calls today. I ain't to much like how talking to Mesha triggered me yesterday. Now I feel some way again. Then it's like Monday is coming but I know God will take care of me. Ugh even that isn't giving me comfort. That's upsetting me because it's like what the fuck man. Than my shit head mom keeps calling me acting like she don't know what she's done. Fucking lady is trash…I feel myself getting angry again. Wanting to fall back into that negative loop. Back into nihilism and pessimistic thinking. My life literally feels up in the air.
6:39am- I really don't feel good this morning. Like I don't understand what's happening to me. What's happening in my life. It's like why would my higher self tell me to be with this woman. Why would God send me here just be broken hearted. Like I got my degree then BOOM post office called me. I got hired for Vero then BOOM she was like hey you wanna work in fort Pierce. Then BOOM this woman never worked at Orange Ave and all of a sudden she working there. Just to follow Paul. Cause you know that's the love of her life…like what the actual fuck man. I feel betrayed at times. Like why would God do this to me. Put me through this pain. Bro this shit really fucking hurt me. Like to my core it hurt me. I legit wanted a life with her. I felt it inside my body. We are meant to be together. Meant to be in love…. I've been feeling tired lately. Like legit feeling tired. I feel my emotions inside my body. The energy takes energy when it flows through me…I don't want to be angry with anyone. I don't want to be hurt either. I really wish she never texted me. I really wish she would've left me alone. She knew she only wanted sex. She should've left me alone. I told her I wanted a family, I want a wife. Ugh…I gotta let it go. I am not my pain. I am not my past.
7:37am- there are 4 different women who like me and want me. And I'm not over Edith…I still want to be with her. I still think we belong together. I hate this for myself. Because she don't want a family. She don't see a future with me. But still I want to love her. This hurts me, this feels unfair to me. This makes me feel stupid. Makes me feel a sense of self hatred. A sense of self harm…but identifying the emotion doesn't help it go away. An maybe I'm feeling all this because Valentine's just passed. Because Monday I may see her. Because her birthday is next month. An it's like I'll never forget her…shit I don't remember any of my exes birthdays. Not 23 or 20. I know 20 is the day after Jophiel I think or somewhere really close. And 23 is this month I got her saved in my phone. But mail…she has the same birthday as Vanessa. I'll never forget her. An to me that's so hurtful. Like why would God do this to me? Ugh…I really gotta shake off this funk. Shake off this hurt and move on with my life.
10:14am- yeah I still love her. 🥴🙃
12:27pm- I'm not waiting on her. But I'm not going to be like her and just fuck someone else to get over her. That's not my style anymore.
4:36pm- I deserve love, I deserve a better person, I deserve a love who chooses me everyday. She's not for me. An I choose me everyday, simply by not talking to her, not reaching out, not giving her anything. I deserve a real tender love.
4:44pm- I don't think I love her at all. I think she feels familiar. The feeling of insecurity she gives me. The fear of loss and hurt she gives me. Because why would I want a woman who doesn't even like me. A woman who wants to fuck for fun. Nah man I deserve better. An I keep trying to be nice to her saying how she's hurt and that's why. Fuck that. That bitch is legit trash. A fucking hoe and wants to be a hoe and I'm making excuses for her. That's crazy…I do that shit for everyone who hurts me. I do it for my mom all my life. I did it for Vanessa. I literally do it all the time. Nah man I gotta stop that. I deserve a good love. I deserve to be chosen. To be poured into. She's not for me and I don't love her. I love the familiarity of love self esteem and toxicity. But I don't want that anymore. I don't need that anymore.
5:34pm- everything happens for a reason. Trust in divine timing. Trust in the fact that God is working everything as it should be worked. Everything is coming together. I've got faith. I'm being prepared for my wife.
7:05pm- what the fuck is wrong with me…why did I catch myself looking for a birthday card for her. Getting ready to buy card for her. Because I know she really likes birthday cards…WHY DO I WANT TO LOVE HER!!!! What the fuck man.
8:27pm- is she thinking of me or something. I have this scared feeling in my gut. Feels so off, got me feeling anxious and in my feelings. I'm sitting here playing spellspire and feeling scared and anxious and nervous…this is so stupid. If she's thinking of me she should just call or text. I would take her back if she changed her ways. But nope, she wants to be the same piece of shit person. Instead of growing the fuck up for herself, her daughter, her family, and the man she claim to have love. I'm about to shower and go to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment